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Why can't those that you love simply understand our MI , BPIIRC for me. What is so hard about accepting us? Heck others can accept all sorts of illnesses and afflictions, but MI they find hard to accept.

I'd be better off if I never told anyone that I was BP. Ex certainly won't accept it as why I did the things I did. No forgiveness in her heart. Maybe I just have a huge "L" on my forehead for loser.

The last couple weeks I keep having the big "S" bounce around the perverted brain. I mean what the hell, who really would miss me and my problems? Certainly the women that I have loved wouldn't. There is simply no place in this world for an honest, caring, devoted responsible(??) man. If only I could be an asshole and not care I'd be better off.

It's just crap that is all. Going nowhere fast. Love sucks. 

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Why can't those that you love simply understand our MI

I was wondering just exactly how you meant that. Do you mean, why don't they *believe* it? Does your ex not believe the dx, or is she noncaring about how you feel?

For me, I feel sometimes like it's the former. I guess because I hold so much in, my husband sometmes acts like, yeah, right, I think you've got an overmedicating dr. And I don't know why it's so hard to say how I feel.... if I have a sore throat, or achy, I'd say so. So why can't I say, there's broken glass in my head, and everytime someone speaks it's like stirring it around. Or, I want to put my fist through the plaster wall. Or he acts I'm being overdramatic. Don't get me wrong, he's been "supportive" in most ways, but since I'm no longer curled up in fetal position for weeks on end, it's all over, and I'm fine?

Then again, if he could look inside my head, he'd probably take the kids and kick me out.  *weak laugh*

Love doesn't suck, you just haven't found the right person. Best wishes. And drive the S out of your mind.

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Heya hawkeye,

I also don't know exactly what you mean.

But.

DH told me that "having a name for it doesn't change anything that happened."

Compared to the cute stories in self-help books I've been reading, that sounds wrong to me.

I didn't do things half as damaging as some BPs do. And DH doesn't *want* to see the past in a different light, or look ahead with new eyes.

I even briefly wished it was a tumour, so I could show him a picture of it.  That would make it real.

He also told our current therapist that he isn't sure he can live with this "new regimentation ncc says she needs."  You know, the social rhythms, consistent bedtime stuff.  Like it's something I made up.

This sucks.  Plus antibiotics made me mixed-lite the last few days.

I thought about crashing my car today but no S-word.  Not specifically.

If the S-word doesn't go away please call somebody IRL.

Some people either just can't wrap their heads around the fact this is a physical problem, no matter our best efforts, or just *like* to be angry and unforgiving.

I hope DH is the first kind; I'm hoping our *new* therapist will explain it in a way he can get.  Even if he kicks me out, I want him to heal, and he can't if he doesn't get this.

Hold on.

--ncc--

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My SO sees laziness, not depression.  She can't understand why i can't concentrate.  She can't understand why i don't care about things sometimes.  She doesn't understand BP no matter how much I explain it to her.  She doesn't think she can keep track of my moods and help me through them.  She doesn't think she can tolerate the dysphoric hypomania.

;) I constantly think about, as you call it, the big S. I think about it as a soothing sensation, which the logical, rational part of my brain knows is wrong but i think about it anyway.  :)

My SO is the only good in my seemingly dismal life.  I love her and it will be hard when she leaves me.  I guess its best to prolong the inevitable and enjoy her as much as i can until then. 

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Why can't those that you love simply understand our MI , BPIIRC for me. What is so hard about accepting us? Heck others can accept all sorts of illnesses and afflictions, but MI they find hard to accept.

I'd be better off if I never told anyone that I was BP. Ex certainly won't accept it as why I did the things I did. No forgiveness in her heart. Maybe I just have a huge "L" on my forehead for loser.

The last couple weeks I keep having the big "S" bounce around the perverted brain. I mean what the hell, who really would miss me and my problems? Certainly the women that I have loved wouldn't. There is simply no place in this world for an honest, caring, devoted responsible(??) man. If only I could be an asshole and not care I'd be better off.

It's just crap that is all. Going nowhere fast. Love sucks.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

hawkeye:  Love is a temporary insanity curable only by marriage.

No, really.  Your a good person.  I'm sure your selling yourself short.  I'm also sure that many people would miss you.  Sounds like your pretty bummed out with the "R" thing.  Dating is so complicated for the mentally interesting.  Every one of my (2) long-term relationships with the fairer sex have in the end, left me miserable.  I think that's because I didn't know what real love was.  I was too dependant on the relationship for a sense of well-being.  I have not had a serious relationship in over 5 years.  I had a big gaping hole where my heart used to be after my fiance left me 5 years ago for a stable, wealthy, guy.  Can't blame her.  I was not taking my medication and was, as she put it, an emotional chameleon.

I've given up on dating.  The problem I have is that after I get to know someone and share that I have BP, I usually don't hear from them again, or they slowly blow me off.  Ohh, I didn't mean that literally.

I feel for you.  For along time, I felt I needed someone to make me feel whole.  I was needy.  Now, I don't feel empty.  I'm hoping that now that I'm not seeking I will find her, if that makes sense.

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DH told me that "having a name for it doesn't change anything that happened."
-NCC

isn't that true?

You may understand WHY your teenage daughter periodically sets fire to her room; and understanding why, you do not hate her. But that doesn't preclude doing something about it, maybe a painful something like putting her in the hospital. (or divorcing your mate. :)   )

I understand why my husband does the things he does, he understands why I act the way I do. That doesn't mean we are likeable to each other, or our marriage livable! In fact it has become most unliveable for both of us.  Some of the things he does/says trigger the desire to  ;) that very minute!

DH and I are splitting now, possibly divorcing.  Neither of us is going to magically overcome our MI's and disorders, and neither of us can "Fake" it to the other's satisfaction; and neither of us want to. What hell that would be.  It has taken 8 years to come to this conclusion. What a waste.

Hawkeye: I believe Rabbit is right. If I were in your shoes (I'm not: I'm through with the whole thing ("love"), moving on with my life..)I would be as straightforward about my past and possible actions in the future when explaining your MI to someone you're seriously interested in.  Don't give up. The right person is out there.

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Heya soulshards,

Of course this makes sense the way *you* say it.

Some things of course can't be explained away.

But.

He doesn't *get* that this is a brain disorder.

I mostly just want him to heal, with or without me.

It's very very hard for him to visualize moods, and lack of control, as physical problems.  I think, knowing him it would help him heal if he could.

I want someone to explain to him (when I do it, it sounds hollow and self-serving) that this organic brain disease has hurt us both.

I'm counting on my new psych and/or our new therapist to help with this.

hawkeye:  Absolutely be up-front in a new relationship.  If I had known myself, I would be.

--ncc--

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yeah, i think the problem is not about disclosure, but about blame.  our partners blame us fo our behaviour.

Yeras ago, the love of my life broke up with me because i was scatterbrained and so on.  At the time i had no diagnosis but i knew this behaviour had a biological component.  I was bitter.  Since then i've grown to understand that regardless of the source of my behaviour, she just didn't want who i was.  I came to terms with the fact that it didn't matter if my behaviour was my fault or not, it was still my behaviour.  I'm sad this situation seems to be repeating but i guess its alright.  I'd like for my partner to understand BP but she still has the right to break up with me because i'm BP.  that's okay.

Whether or not you tell people you have BP doesn't change your behaviour.  Ultimately, who we are causes the break ups, not a label.  Yes it would be nice if people could accept our illnesses, but this is a lifelong thing.  Its okay for people to judge us.  This is who we are.  Yes it would be better for people to understand that we sometimes aren't in perfect control of our behaviour, but at the end of the day we still must own our behaviour, control or not.

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He doesn't *get* that this is a brain disorder.

I mostly just want him to heal, with or without me.

I understand what you're saying NCC. It takes a looong while of being a broken record and repeating it...over and over..."It's not ME...it's the _______" (insert MI name here).

Even then sometimes they still. don't get. it.

  Ultimately, who we are causes the break ups, not a label.

Well  except when your actions are caused by MI I don't believe that necessarily is "who you are".  For all intents and purposes, that is who you are to outsiders (unless they have known you before you became MI - my SO, family and friends have watched me turn from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde over the years and KNOW this is not "me".)

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yeah, i think the problem is not about disclosure, but about blame.  our partners blame us fo our behaviour.

Yeras ago, the love of my life broke up with me because i was scatterbrained and so on.  At the time i had no diagnosis but i knew this behaviour had a biological component.  I was bitter.  Since then i've grown to understand that regardless of the source of my behaviour, she just didn't want who i was.  I came to terms with the fact that it didn't matter if my behaviour was my fault or not, it was still my behaviour.  I'm sad this situation seems to be repeating but i guess its alright.  I'd like for my partner to understand BP but she still has the right to break up with me because i'm BP.  that's okay.

Whether or not you tell people you have BP doesn't change your behaviour.  Ultimately, who we are causes the break ups, not a label.  Yes it would be nice if people could accept our illnesses, but this is a lifelong thing.  Its okay for people to judge us.  This is who we are.  Yes it would be better for people to understand that we sometimes aren't in perfect control of our behaviour, but at the end of the day we still must own our behaviour, control or not.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I wish it were so.  I usually disclose that I have MI after 3 dates.  It scares women off.  Not me, not my behavior, the LABEL.  I have dated a number of women who really, really liked me, even possibly been close to falling in love with me.  EVERY time I disclose, I get the "can we just be friends" thing.  Their attitude and feelings change because of a label.  That's why I don't date anymore.  I can't stand being rejected because of a label. 

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