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I'm convinced my T isn't experienced enough


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I just don't know how much more time I should give it.I have been seeing him for 10 months now (first & only T ever) I am thankful for him & I feel like I've learned some things from seeing him and have grown a bit as a person but I just don't know if he can really fully help me.I know the process is a long journey but, I do have my doubts sometimes. I feel comfortable with him & I don't know if I'd really do better with another T but, maybe I would. I'm just confused.

Yesterday was the first time I have ever shed a tear in front of him.It was just one tear...and then I composed myself & totally stopped.He got up from his chair & akwardly passed me the box of tissues and sat back down. It was so impersonal & felt wrong.I actually read an article last night about how Ts should react when a client is crying...it said that the better way for a T to handle the situation would be just saying something like"the tissues are on the table,if you feel you need one".He just seemed like he had a robotic response to it & I didn't feel like I needed a tissue for 1 measly tear.Then later I said "Damnit!You saw me cry!"AND HE LAUGHED! I think he felt like he had finally accomplished some kind of breakthough & he was proud or somethng.I guess that seems a little silly but the point is-I think I've made my T a little too distant towards me because of my erotic transference toward him in the past.I think he takes the coldness towards me a little too far because he is trying so hard to subdue any feelings he feels toward me.He used to be more relaxed & even used to joke a little before.Now he just closes up like a statue.I even said yesterday that he acts like one of those British guys who is not allowed to talk or have facial expressions.I think his counter transference may be interfering with him being able to be genuine with me.Maybe that's a good thing but maybe I need a person-not a stoned face robot as a T.

Even when I say things like "how are you?"He used to say "fine" - with hesitation.He doesn't even want to really answer.So one day I said"I don't even know why I ask.You're always gonna say fine"and the next week when I asked him how he is doing he said"Good enough".I thought was a stupid & unnatural twist.He said that for 2 weeks in a row & now he's back to saying"fine".I know that seems silly but I just don't know how I feel about him being able to help me.He makes me nervous & uncomfortable when I don't get to know how he feels about me but...I keep coming back for more.I almost wish he would just be the one to come out & say"we've ruined our alliance by all the erotic transference so maybe it's best that I just transfer you to another T"

I'm not sure what I'm even asking here but does anyone have any thoughts?

Edited by BlurredBoundaries
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If you're feeling a disconnect from your therapist maybe it's time to move on.  If you don't feel like your getting what you want out of these sessions then it's perfectly ok to find a different tdoc.  You've been going for 10 months which is awhile, I've been seeing mine for 1 and a half years and feel very confident in her abilities and our relationship.  It's your time and you need to feel like you've gotten somewhere after a session.

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If I were you, I would ask for a second opinion at this point.  See if you can get a referral to a psychiatrist or PhD psychologist who can do a full assessment and make treatment recommendations.  It doesn't mean that you have to leave your current therapist necessarily.  But it will get you a firm diagnosis and having a firm diagnosis will help you determine what kind of treatment that you need.  It will also give you a second set of professional eyes on what is happening with your tdoc, which can help you decide whether to stay or go.

 

For someone in your situation, because your transference is so strong and potentially distorting, that in person in depth consult with a professional is really the only way to sort out what kind of therapy you need.  Nobody here is going to be able to untangle that.  You NEED a professional who can help you sort out what is actually happening from what you perceive is happening.

 

And I say that with all compassion, as a person with really crippling transference issues with pretty much every therapist I have ever had.

Edited by tryp
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I've wondered before if the erotic transference has been getting in the way of your therapy.  I do wonder if a female therapist might be better for you.  Of course it is your call.  I think tryp makes some good suggestions.

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I think tryp's suggestions are excellent. My hunch is that you might better benefit from a different type of therapy, such as DBT, but you should talk about that with the doctor who does a second opinion full diagnostic workup. Also the suggestions to see a female tdoc are good ones.

Edited by bookgirl
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Thank you everyone!

I appreciate the input! My T is going on vacation next week so it'll be a while till I see him again but, I'm going to tell him that I may need to get a 2nd opinion.This is going to be very hard for me for 2 reasons. First of all-I can barely afford paying to see him weekly so adding more to my financial burden may be next to impossible.I can probably pay for a couple sessions with a Pdoc but other than that,I just don't see myself being able to afford going regularly.

The other thing that terrifies me is actually getting a proper diagnosis.I have mentioned it before on here but, I am very afraid of having the BPD and/or NPD (or whatever my particular flavor if crazy is) set in stone on paper.I know it's confidentail & what not but-I'm still really scared of any consequences that may bring about in my future.

To be completely honest...there's a 3rd thing that scares me about this.I am also reluctant to make my T feel like a failure.I dont want him to think he isn't good enough.I don't really want to make him admit his feelings (whatever those feelings are-hate-anxiety-attraction,whatever) for me to a Pdoc.I honestly don't think he would ever admit to it anyway.I know that's ridiculous & I will do it because ultimately this about me-not him but...I'm just being honest.It's not easy for me.

Thanks again for all the wonderful replies.

Edited by BlurredBoundaries
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At the very least, you do likely need a 1-2 appointment consult.

 

Having a diagnosis is scary and nobody likes having things in their medical record that could come back to bite them, but if you're going to get better it's absolutely vital to get a good handle on what you're dealing with.

 

I can see how it would almost feel like you are "betraying" your therapist in some sense.  But I promise you, you aren't.  He is going to be just fine.

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