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New to this site...I've never really tried blogs/chatrooms/etc. before, but I am sick of worrying everyone around me and/or talking to people who try to help and only make it worse. I have been feeling extraordinarily unstable for a while, thought it might get better but I feel like I'm swinging between manic and depressed almost daily now. Life outside my head is fine, everyone around me is fine, I've just been freaking out. I went off my meds almost a year ago to try a natural approach because I hate taking them and sometimes feel like they made me worse (Lamictrogine, Lithium, Klonopin) and started taking Vit. D, Formula 303, and some Chinese herbs. I thought I was handling it okay until a few months ago and for the last few weeks I have been having the most intense dreams, all night nonstop (even when I nap) and while they are not nightmares or night terrors, I wake up feeling like I've run a marathon rather than slept 9 hours. This makes me lethargic and out of it all day, and nothing I've been doing seems to help. I take Klonopin before bed, Formula 303, smoke medicinal MJ, drink a beer, Valerian root, 5-HTP, etc. etc. etc. I feel like I'm torturing everyone around me with my erratic mood swings but for some reason I'm still feeling resistant to any treatment (meds, calling my therapist). Just need to talk to someone who is similarly crazy.

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'I hate taking them and sometimes feel like they made me worse'

 

It can take several tries of several meds and combinations to get it right.  As miserable as you are right now it may be worth it to return to the doctor or clinic having prescribed the meds. 

 

Also if you really are serious about doing it naturally you need an experienced person not on your own.  TCM has helped people for real.  It's not cheap though and finding a good practitioner is difficult outside of a major city.

 

You also need to see your family doctor or primary care provider 'I wake up feeling like I've run a marathon rather than slept 9 hours. This makes me lethargic ...out of it all day'  this is serious and could be many things and you need to see a doctor. 

 

You are very, very fortunate to have people 'outside your head' being fine.  Think of it also as doing it for these fine people as 'I feel like I'm torturing everyone around me with my erratic mood swings ....'.   Get some help and work with a shrink.  If you don't want to do it for you then do it for those who you are 'torturing'.  Sooner or later even the most caring and loyal people get fed up.

 

Playing games with mixing klonopin, pot, beer and etc. etc.  is a dangerous game. 

 

It's up to you ultimately.  I've known more than a few young men and women having been booted by great people when they just couldn't take it anymore.

 

You state you are miserable and you state you feel you are torturing everyone around you.  So you need to get responsible for your illness/symptoms and get pro - active for real.  Nobody here can diagnose you or treat you.  Please return to the doctor or clinic having prescribed the psych meds you stopped taking on your own almost a year ago.  Work WITH the doctor. Report side effects and good effects.  Realize meds do  have some side effects in addition to helpful effects.  You have to either  do this or not.  It's up to you. 

 

Also more and more people mixing herbs with prescription drugs with pot and beer are ending up dead.   Your post makes you out to be much more miserable and erratic on your regimen than on the psych drugs.   

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As Brian says, your current approach doesn't seem to be working too well for you, so maybe it is time to try again with a pdoc? Can things really get worse? I know that trying different medications that don't seem to work can be frustrating and difficult but when you do hit on something that helps, even a bit, it can be such a relief.

 

Will just say that whatever kind of medications you use, whether from a pdoc or those you believe are more "natural", it isn't just about taking things to feel better, there are all sorts of other lifestyle based interventions that are also important.

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I know I was miserable on the wrong medications, what with the side effects and all. It took a little bit of playing, but I found a good combination of medications, and I feel really great now. Definitely try with your pdoc again and see what you can do. Like the poster above me said, you sound miserable on your current mix.

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If you're torturing yourself and everyone around you, it's time to go to a pdoc and stop self-medicating. And people will eventually leave you if you don't get real treatment. Most MI people have lost friends due to their illness at some point, often because of intolerance and ignorance, which isn't one's fault. However, many who refuse to get real treatment drive others away for legitimate reasons - intentionally untreated MI drains and infuriates friends and family members. I have an ex who is bipolar like me - he refused to take meds and it affected his behavior to a much greater extent than he was willing to admit or own up to. I left him. He also had no friends left at all. My dad is schizoaffective and refused meds for most of his life; he also has no friends left and is estranged from his entire family.

 

It took me a long time to find meds that worked well, and I go through med tweaks from time to time to keep things working for me. It's just what I have to do to take responsibility for my illness. 

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Thanks guys. I just have gotten to the point where I know it won't get better no matter what I do, it's a disease I will have to deal with for the rest of my life but that breaks my heart. I don't want to deal with it, I am too tired. But took your advice and went to see my doc, she put me on Lith and double Klonopin so we'll see what happens. Hopefully I can stay regular with my doses; that is my biggest challenge.

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And I wasn't clear but I was mostly asking for advice about options of what lifestyle changes to try Brian803...My mom is an Eastern medical health care provider so I don't "play games" with my alternate medication, I rarely even do combinations of more than 2 and I'm not using a large amount of any of it by any means; everything I use is either natural, prescribed or I take it in doses that I know (cannabis). My first post may seem like I just blindly dove into this but I know what I am doing more than I specified. I appreciate the reply but I guess I was asking for some comfort from someone who "gets it" or similar experience rather than a lecture because I get plenty of those. I know that I need to be doing those things. It's motivation that I am looking for. 

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I'm very glad you went to see your pdoc; I'm sure it wasn't easy.

 

I completely understand being worn out by your illness.  It is a very difficult thing to battle, but you are taking the right steps.

 

As for remembering to take your meds, try putting notes around the house or setting the alarm on your phone.

 

I hope Lithium works for you.

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I was in my first major depression, staying in bed (most of he time) for about 3 months. The meds were not working. Laying in that bed listening to music  so i could silence my racing thoughts was my life, along with bags of Fritos.

 

One night i got to thinking how utterly useless the meds were. One night i just sat there and looked at the damn pills. For some unknown reason i decided to give the little buggers one more 24 hours before i was just done.

 

This is a predictable story, but at least you'll know i get it about not wanting to take meds. The pdoc and the tdoc both said " You're noncompliant. We won't be able to help you. "

I tried to explain about the meds making me feel sicker, and ya-da-ya-da-ya-da

 

So- eventually the right combination of meds were found, and they kicked in after about 4 weeks of waiting and swallowing meds, as prescribed.

I still had to drag my sorry ass through every cotton pickin' day, but over time my mind began to follow.

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