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Mental Block


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So I have this whole alternate life in my head where I do the things I want and I act like the person who I want to be and know is inside me somewhere.

 

Unfortunately this would require me to actually do something.

 

What exactly is stopping me from doing what I need to and being the person I am in my head?

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I do. She is an RN with her psychiatry/psychology doc or masters or something I believe so she plays both roles. She's great but I hadn't see her for over a year because I was trying a new approach. I ended up having to schedule an emergency appointment with her yesterday because I've been so out of it and this is the worst it's ever been. Have you ever felt like that? Like you have really solid life and relationship plans but you can't seem to start/finish anything or get it right?

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I feel like this all the time. I finally went back to school in January after thinking about it for years. For me, therapy is key - telling another person what my hopes and plans are makes me feel accountable, plus I get help taking the small, concrete steps I need to put my plans into action. 

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I can start things, but I can't finish them. Never. I was actually told it is a personality type by a psychologist, but in a non-therapeutic setting. But it is also a characteristic of bipolar illness. Among Crazyboards members are a ton of started, then abandoned hobbies and projects.

 

I am in a stable marriage, although our lives have been in chaos for the last two years. I have good friends nearby. We have enough money, even though we are both on disability. Both our health has sucked, but it has lent itself to mutual support. I have the cutest dog in the world.

 

I still get crazy like clockwork almost every summer. I haven't yet this summer, but there has been a lot of disruption. But last summer I was soooooo crazy. My diagnosis actually got changed from BP II to BP I. But other than headaches (which are constant), there is nothing going wrong in my life. Unless you count being on disability, which I don't. That is actually a relief.

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crtclms...I may have the second cutest dog in the world, if you really have the first but I might have to fight you for the title. :) It is comforting to hear that you can have a mostly stable life and healthy relationships. Also good to know that the "not finishing syndrome" is common among other BP sufferers.

 

Book Girl...That is a good mentality for approaching therapy. I'm going to try it.

Edited by katie
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Hello to katie and the posters who are here : Just a few minutes ago i joined CrazyBoards. And what do my wondering eyes happen to see, looking at my first forum conversation ? I see the exact problem I'm currently struggling with. Since the springtime arrived ( and now it's summer already ) i've been experiencing an inability to do what I want to do and be who i want to be- Just as you said. This has happened so many times it's crazy, which is why i'm here. 

 

I'm sorry but I have the cutest dog. His name is Billy.  :)

 

Everyone wrote things i needed to hear. Probably the most important is that this problem is part of being a person who has bipolar. Actually, i already knew that, but it still feels good to know i don't have to be alone with this illness that has made me miserable for a long time. Of course depressions lift and manic states can be just a great mood without any bad consequences.

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Redemption...so glad you found what you were looking for! I'm brand new here too and have been amazed at the amount of advice and support  I have gotten already. :) Good luck with your mental block, I hope that we can both get past them and live how we want and need to.

 

Another piece of this is my struggle to take my meds...all I can hear is the little (actually quite loud) voice in my head saying "It won't change anything. It won't do anything. You'll be fucked up for the rest of your life and you will never be able to un-think the terrible thoughts that have gone through your head, so why even take them? Why even try?" But I know that is just the illness speaking, so I am working on separating it out from my normal thoughts and putting a different name to it, like it's just my "You suck" brain speaking, or that I have a tumor-like thing that forces this to happen. Separating "real me" from "evil bipolar me" is helpful, but I still fully accept it as a part of who I am. It has made me a hell of a lot stronger, and that's about as positive as I'll get about the whole situation. Haha

 

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P.S.- My dog's name is Pearl. :) She's the sweetest, littlest, most mellow border collie in the world and she feels more real to me than any of the people around me most of the time. I love her to pieces! She's kept me going through quite a few of the really bad moments.

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Thanks for wishing me luck, katie. Thinking i'll need it 4ever, because life is difficult for most everybody. And for people who have BP it seems like we have almost no filter to block out stuff we don't need to know, think, see, feel, touch, hear, ...

 

I like the " real me " and the " evil bipolar me " concept.

Maybe they need to merge and make a baby ?

The baby could be supported, loved, comforted, listened to, valued, affirmed, and on and on with all of the best things to do to raise a healthy little person, who has BP, but she's a survivor !

 

Struggle with meds is not uncommon.

The main thing to remember ( this works for me ) is Never Give Up.

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another P.S. - Billy is a sweetie pie  english cocker. His hair matts like a Rastafarian's dreadlocks, so i keep the little fellow trimmed down. What you said about Pearl is how I feel about Billy. There's something about the unconditional love we get from our dogs that is rarely found in human beings. Someday, if I can ever figuer out how to post photos on here, I'll show you what he looks like.

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Please do, I would love to see him! And I think I'm going to start writing never give up on my arm every day until I decide where to tattoo it, because as simple as it seems I just need that reminder sometimes. Like, all the time. And my brain baby will hopefully be pretty cool now that I've decided to look after it again. :P

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hi Katie, and welcome.. you also have the opportunity to start a blog on crazyboards, and I have found it very helpful in letting you vent and say whats on your mind. Sometimes writing everything out that you're thinking helps a lot. Plus you receive comments from others which is pleasant. I highly recommend checking out the blog section! Sounds like it would be right up your alley :-)

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I do love to write! I will start in blogland. It's hard to keep my thoughts gathered when I'm having episodes (hence, my "crazy journal") so who knows what the outcome will be but I think I'll try it. :)

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