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Why am I on this board?  I don't even know except I've been fighting this crap for 37 years and I'm at yet another rough patch.  Had my first panic attack my first day of Kindergarden.  I'm sure most everyone here knows how it goes.  Everyone looks ya up and down, says "there's nothing wrong with you, quit bein a pain..."  That's how everyone treated me for over 15 years until I reached sometime in my 20s and a doctor finally put names to what had been going on in me.  Depression, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social phobia.  Started trying out different meds, different doctors, sometimes I felt ok, a lot of times I just wanted to lay down and die.  Somewhere in my 30s I think I was really starting to get a handle on all of it!  I was happy, out doing things, feelin pretty good when my entire life blew completely apart. 

 

My husband of over 10 years didn't like the new, not under his thumb or dependant on him for every little thing in my life, happier me and decided he wanted a divorce.  My best friend (really more like my beloved brother) that I'd been nursing through an illness suddenly died.  I was physically forced out of my house, away from my 2 young children, only to find my husband had cleaned out the bank account.  I'd been home raising my children for years so I had no job or money of my own.  Because I was still looking for a job and had no place of my own the courts ruled that while we would have shared custody of the children he would have the primary rights leaving me firmly in his control and boy did he like sticking it to me!  To top it off I found out I was pregnant.  Heard my baby's heart beat, had to have hope and hold on for that baby!  But my doctor told me to keep taking my Paxil.  I woke in my 5th month of pregnancy to my water breaking.  Delivered my baby in the hospital bathroom alone where they'd sent me for a urine specimin.  They never even gave me the choice what to do with his body.  By the time I was out of shock and the drugs they gave me enough to ask they'd already thrown Jonathan away like a piece of garbage.

 

I TRY to pull myself up by the bootstraps, stay strong, fake it till I make, put on a happy face, blah blah blah.  I've been pretty good at it for quite a few years!  I'm married to a new, WONDERFUL man who made my lifelong dream of having a few horses of my own come true.  I have the best job I've really ever had caring for alzheimers/dementia patients in a nursing home (and I LOVE my sweet little residents there!!).  Despite all that lately has just been awful.  I'm so tired!  They let me cut my hours at work so that I only work 2 days then get 4 off but those two days I hurt so bad because I'm tense and anxious.  There's someone in me screaming "I don't want to go!  I just want to stay home!"  My body is nothing but a robotic cage with me locked up inside it somewhere programmed to just drag me through my days...work, eat, sleep, do it again, computer all day, sleep, repeat for my days off, back to work...  I'm tired of pretending to be ok.  I'm tired of no one I know understanding.  Just sick and tired of sick and tired.

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I am so sorry that nobody replied to your post.  Usually we are better at rolling out the welcome wagon than this.

 

I am glad you found us - it sounds like you have been through an absolutely horrible time - and I hope that you will forgive us for our less than awesome welcome and stick around for a while.

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I am so sorry for all of your heartbreak, ClandestinelyMe.

 

And that we missed your intro post here.

 

I hope you found chat to be more responsive.

 

Sometimes it can take a while to get replies to posts. Usually we try to keep a better eye out on the intro forum.

 

I'm sorry you didn't get seen until now.

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Hello from chat!

The thing about bootstraps is that it's damn exhausting to do that. At some point you need to acknowledge that it's break time, because the effort required can really be overwhelming. It sounds to me that that's happened to you, which is really hard.

Are there supportive things that your husband can do to help?

Are there ways to surround yourself with a support network who can help to ease the burden on you?

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Hey there. It sure sounds like you've had a rough time of it. I admire all that you've done to get through it. Sometimes life seems to hand you one load of crap after the next. How you've managed to deal with all this says a lot about your character. 

 

I'm sorry I didn't respond to your intro earlier. It isn't typical for an intro to go unanswered. I feel remiss and I hope that you'll give us another chance. Stick around if you can. We've got a pretty good group of people here.

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I also apologize for the oversight---I don't know how we missed your introduction.  All of us try really hard to make sure new people are greeted and this slipped by me.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you're here.  It sounds like you have been down a very rough road.  Please stick around and I think you'll find that his is a really good group of people.  I know it's no excuse, but sometimes our real lived interfere with our duties as moderators, and my guess is that I just wasn't around much on the day you posted.

 

Welcome to our little asylum.

 

olga

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It's all good, guys!  I just figured the boards were kinda slow or something and been hanging out in the chat room instead.  I wasn't leaving the site completely just "movin on" to another part of it.

WinterRosie, yeah that's about where I am.  Been pullin myself up by the bootstraps so long I'm tired out and just don't want to do it again.  My husband really does try!  If there is anything, and I mean anything, he even suspects I want or need he'll do his best to get it for me.  The problem is he's on disability for PTSD and some other problems which can make it tough for him to be fully there for me at times.  We try hard to take care of each other though.  

Support network...like friends and family?  The little family I have is out of town and that's fine by me.  I love them but I do much better with them in small doses preferrably over the phone.  Friends...are difficult.  I wouldn't say I have any close friends.  Most of my coworkers I interact with regularly at the nursing home are nothing but glowing about me gushing about how sweet I am but I'm leery of mixing work and home too much.  People outside of work just don't seem to warm to me for some reason?  I've tried for years to figure it out, learn to somehow be more "like-able"...I dunno.  I'm at the point of "this is me, screw off if you don't like it" even if that leaves me totally friendless forever.  Tired of trying to get it right and always coming up short on that front, tired of not feeling good enough.  I'm kinda tired of a lot, huh?  Guess I'm just plain tired.

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Yeah I'm similar that way with friends. I can get along with almost anyone on the street, but being FRIENDS is a little weird for me. I have a friend now but she is so like me that we get each other - ie if one of us doesn't want to hang out for a super long time it's no biggie. We work together and we know that in our line of work, work is real life and the rest of the time is just filler really. We're not social butterflies, but we get along with each other and that's enough.

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