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Finally getting out of codependent messed up, jealous etc .. plz read


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O.K. make a long story short. 

 

I am an addict / alcoholic. Been trying to recover for 3 years which is when I met this woman. She helped a lot. I now have 14 or so months clean and sober. Here is the deal though. On top of that my mental health issues have come to light. She can not deal with them, and hey ... I don't blame here honestly. Codependcy on drugs and alcohol is one thing but who wants to be with a genuine nut job ? lol ... 

 

Anyways we have been off and on for years. We finally pulled the plug for real about a month ago. Since then I have been trying to find housing. Ultimately, as of yesterday, due to a note from doctor stating my inability to work and my pending SSI reconsideration I was bumped up from #225 to "within 2-3 weeks" I will be in, 100 % paid apartment with utilities included - awesome :) 

 

Now here is the weird part ... I am happy to be moving on. She is happy to be moving on. Yet we both get resentful at eachother at times when we are making steps towards moving on. Example, when I quit letting her help me with a lot of things and do them myself. She will say she is happy. Then one other little thing will come up and she says she wants to help to be a friend, I explain I can't let her and she gets sulky and upset. It's ruining the remaining friendship we did have which was solid suprisingly. 

 

To boot, a year and a half or so I was sure she was being unfaithful although she is NOT the type, during one of our "split ups". This guy has been on her like crazy. Ballsy enough to do it right after AA meetings right in front of me being very flirty and always typing "LY" in text and FB messages (Love You) ... She always said not my type, just friends, yadda yadda yadda ... She also states she needs time and doesn't want a relationship period .. etc. 

 

I know I don't need one for a while .. I know she doesn't either .. 

 

Here's the thing. This guy is a player. She is naive. She is codependent. She is going to get sucked in and played. I know, not my problem. I am letting it piss me off and control me life. They are both not so much lying to me but not admitting they are meeting up after a AA / Al Anon meeting tonight. Fine by me I can say one minute. The next I am upset by it. It is driving my crazy, killing my serenity. I think if it was anyone else it would be MUCH easier to deal with. But this guy that fucks every newcomer woman at AA going after the woman I was with for 3 years pisses me off. I forgave him and her in my heart for any past infidelity, which I believe there was, but now this just seems like a slap in my face. 

 

It will be much easier when I get in my own place finally. But right now - It fuck hurts. Makes me sad. Makes me jealous. I don't want to feel like this. I really don't. I don't know what to do, how to change my thinking, etc .. To get over this. I am going to try reading my AA acceptance pamphlet right now. Any other suggestions ?

 

And no, I did have hopes of us getting back together but no more .... I also have promised myself no sex or relationships until at least mid January which is pry still not long enough. 

 

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Hi Lanry,

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.I know you just want to protect her & she probably needs protection but, at the same time-you gotta keep whatever sanity you have left & the 1 thing I know for sure is...being friends right after a breakup is probably not a very good idea.I'm not saying you can never be friends-I just think it's always best to spend time completely apart.I don't have any answers for you in terms of not being sad,or angry,or jealous.I just think things happen for a reason & maybe that's why you're getting your free housing.It's time to focus on you & only you.Take care & goodluck.Sorry if that didn't really help.Just my .2 cents.

Take care & goodluck.Breakups are excruciating!

P.S.I would date a "nut job" so don't let that make you think you aren't dateable.

Edited by BlurredBoundaries
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LOL Thanks Blurred 

 

That did help, and those are my intentions for sure. That is why I will remain abstinent and relationship free until ATLEAST next year. Possibly longer depending on where life takes me. Just hired disability attorney so hopefully my reconsideration gets approved and that will vastly improve my self image as well. I don't want it - but I need it. In the mean time, working on my own life is the utmost of imprtance. 

 

I agree on the friendship thing. It is very difficult to know the boundaries. I do know I will be very careful if we are in touch, and it would be by phone only. We mainly talk about spiritual stuff. That aside we honestly don't have as much in common as we thought we did.

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I think the more time you spend apart, the better.  I don't know where you live, but if the weather is nice, go out for long walks.  If she is in the living room, go into the bedroom.  It is VERY difficult to be friends with an ex and it sounds like it will be almost impossible for you two to do that.  Go to a meeting?  Call a friend and go somewhere for coffee?  Do whatever you can to put distance between you two until you can get out on your own.

 

The more you think about her hooking up with that guy, the more miserable you are going to be.  Work hard to distract yourself every time those thoughts come into your head.  She is no longer your concern and you should work hard to detach yourself from her.

 

olga

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no contact and I mean no contact.  It can be done.  I was (am) a codependent that was married to a narcissist and have a mother who is a narcissist.  I read books.  HIGHLIGHTED those books and referred to them often. I went to tons of therapy and only made contact when necessary, i.e. it was related to the kids or finances.  It took two years and lots of therapy to get to a great mental state and have a normal conversation with him without getting screwed over.  Now I have a relationship with my ex on my terms.  It can be done, but you have to cut ties and not worry about what she or he or they or whoever is doing what.  You just work on YOU!   You KNOW that they are not putting as much effort or time into thinking about you as you do about them.  They are narcs.  They don't work that way.

 

You can do it. Put yourself first.

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no contact and I mean no contact.  It can be done.  I was (am) a codependent that was married to a narcissist and have a mother who is a narcissist.  I read books.  HIGHLIGHTED those books and referred to them often. I went to tons of therapy and only made contact when necessary, i.e. it was related to the kids or finances.  It took two years and lots of therapy to get to a great mental state and have a normal conversation with him without getting screwed over.  Now I have a relationship with my ex on my terms.  It can be done, but you have to cut ties and not worry about what she or he or they or whoever is doing what.  You just work on YOU!   You KNOW that they are not putting as much effort or time into thinking about you as you do about them.  They are narcs.  They don't work that way.

 

You can do it. Put yourself first.

 

I agree - it seems like it is a Obsession. I keep myself busy, I spend time with friends, I get out of the house all day ... Then I get home and allof a sudden she stays out till mifnight when she was always home by 9:00 ... She "wants to tell me about her great night" but then leaves these huge holes in her stories for missing time. 

 

I get to where I care less and less, it WILL be better once I am on my one ... Right now it just sucks. I would like to think she is MUCH WISER than to hook up with this guy - But, hey, we all have breakup sex to get over relationships. If it leads to a relationship = seriously not my problem. Easy to say, harder to live at times. 

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no contact and I mean no contact.  It can be done.  I was (am) a codependent that was married to a narcissist and have a mother who is a narcissist.  I read books.  HIGHLIGHTED those books and referred to them often. I went to tons of therapy and only made contact when necessary, i.e. it was related to the kids or finances.  It took two years and lots of therapy to get to a great mental state and have a normal conversation with him without getting screwed over.  Now I have a relationship with my ex on my terms.  It can be done, but you have to cut ties and not worry about what she or he or they or whoever is doing what.  You just work on YOU!   You KNOW that they are not putting as much effort or time into thinking about you as you do about them.  They are narcs.  They don't work that way.

 

You can do it. Put yourself first.

 

Slightly, nut not as bad as some people I have known. She just likes to constantly go on about "how she is a GREAT Mother" - And my mental problems cause her pure stability issues. Fact is, she is very unstable except when she has this new 65+ year old "friend on her meals for wheels route" that just paid for a $2500 AC unit and $1000 vacation. Now she is stable and happy. 

 

As little as she wiill EVER admit it, finances are way more important to her than me. Not excessive but she can't handle living paycheck to paycheck. She believes she is better than that because her past relationship / marriage where she didn't have financial issues. She also tends to insinuate her problems near nothing like mine when she can't quit talking a mile a minute for more than 3 minutes. Took me forever to realize this is a huge part of what drove me buts - I am too laid back for hyperactivity and non stop ADD (Sorry if that offends anyone, just my personality). Her soon seems to be the same way unless occupied or hyped on caffeine. The two of them together ... Is just, well ... WOWSAS !! 

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