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Anyone else experienced this with employment ?

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I did not post this under the law, employment, etc situation because it has WAY more to do with my illness than any legalities of workers right or my application for SSI/SSDI.


I am getting to know my illness better. For example, it took me 3 days to realize I am sad and lonely due to my breakup - NOT slipping into a bout of depression. This is normal. Before I probably would of frieked and it might have led into a full blown bout of depression. Learning stuff like this is helpful. I am grateful for this lesson. 


That being said, on to employment. 


O.K. Majority of my employment last decade was commission only door to door sales. I was able to make quick money, and a lot of it, when I was doing well. This money would then hold me over through depression bouts. I knew it was time to quit selling when my numbers went way down, my charisma was gone, and I hated the idea of knocking the next door when I used to love it. I always expected rejection and my confidence used to be high. There were no changes - this would be out of the blue. 


Anyways continued this pattern for years. The last few years I have become much much worse. 


At this point my employment is beynd sporadic. I do what I can. Clean gutters occasionally. Mow lawns sometimes. Do landscaping occasionally. Move people when I can. These sort f odds and end jobs with no major supervision causing me stress which makes my illness A LOT worse. 


Even doing this within 2-3 days I am flat out exhausted. It is not so much physical fatigue. It is mentally draining to work. 


The odd thing is when I do work, I feel great. Just outstanding. It boost my confidence. When I have days like today and not even a single lawn to mow (even for charity) and no reason or way to get out of the house I am very very bored which is also similar to my depression symptoms. If I let these symptoms go to long they turn into flat out serious bouts of extreme suicidal depression. 


On the other hand if I push through the fatigue, I hallucinate. I get paranoid and think everyone is conspiring against me. My stress and anxiety go through the roof. I feel like a failue and wonder how one day can change SO MUCH. 


I on one hand want to work. On the other hand it causes me serious problems. Yet on the third hand I do NOT want to sit on my ass all day and do nothing. Even volunteering usually involves being around a lot of people which is a huge no no for me. I am so at my wit's end. 


Has anyone else had anything similar to this due to either Bipolar or (possibly starting to think I am schizo afffective) ?


Any solutions ? Advice ? Willing to try nearly anything that doesn't require intense supervision which causes stress or being around a lot of people. I would prefer to get SSDI and just have some super small hobby business making $200 - $300 a month to "Kill Time" with, do some charity mowing, charity snow removal, stuff like that ... But that is miles away .. And just retained legal counsel on my first reconsideration. I have a feeling I will have to go in front on an ALJ. 


In the mean time I am 99  % sure I am at least 3 weeks away from 100 % covered section 8 housing and will have $200 a month in food benefits. This leaves me with NO CASH - But at least VERY basics will be covered. Hopefully I will be able to perform these super small odd jobs in frequently to pay for toilet paper, dish soap, deodeerant, etc ... 


Just in a very scary place as I haven't been on my own technically for 15 years and just out of a 3 year + relationship




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I'm not being rude as I've read your post twice and I'm not really sure exactly what you are asking.  Could you possibly edit on with asking specific questions?  I had a twenty year employment history where I did the same, as you post ' I was able to make quick money, and a lot of it, when I was doing well. This money would then hold me over through depression bouts.'   Although not in door to door sales I was in sales with hourly pay plus commission and did the same when a bout of deep strong symptoms of MI hit me and I was headed for bed for a month.  The money held me over until I could function again and work again. 

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Can you try at least working part time then go from there? Sounds like you are able to do work (you mention all of those odd jobs). Certainly all those odd jobs add up to be working part time at a job. Then, like I said, you could go from there and go full time. Sounds like you need a new career. And if doing odd job work is not your thing, (you said you like being supervised) then get a structured job. And don't feel bad, many people do not like to work in unstructured environments. Many people cannot handle those jobs at all. So it sounds like you have good skills.

And you are well on your way to free rent and food stamps right? I think I read that. It can be like a good fresh start for you. Out of a co dependent relationship and onto a clean slate with a new place to live and food and a new job. I would love to be given that chance! You are very lucky.

I hope you get your new place soon. Homeless shelters are not a very fun place to reside. But don't get me wrong, they are much better than nothing.

Take care and keep us posted!

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And another thing you may want to check on and see if your city has a vocational rehab program.

I know the one we have will sometimes help pay for college, will help you get a few nice outfits for interviews, give you career or aptitude tests, job coaching, etc.

I have not personally used it, but I know a lot of people who have. They really got a lot of help and support in finding a new job!

It couldn't hurt to look into it. :)

Just another random thought I guess!

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I agree with looking into vocational rehabilitation. I'm working on it right now to get help with school at the recommendation of my therapist.

Here it's through the Dept of Economic Security so i check with them if you're interested!

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I had a small pet care business before my knee gave up. Mid-walk with two Labs, for those of you who knows what walking Labs is like.


Anyway, I joined an online organization for pet sitters, and they offered insurance and bonding. I got insurance through them, and I got bonding, even though I was a sole proprietor, because it makes customers more comfortable to see it on your business card. Pet CPR is a 3 hour class, and another bell to put on a business card.


I had to get a business license, and file a DBA (doing business as) with the county, and publish a notice 4 times that I was doing business. But once you have a license, a small newspaper will do all the work, just send a copy of your license and they will publish you for a fee (it was $25 8 years ago).


It sounds way more complicated than it is. If I can do it, seriously, anyone can. I suck at paperwork, and the most difficult part was finding the office where I could get a license.


ETA: Funny I can't do paperwork, since that is practically all of what law consists of.

Edited by crtclms
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I loved crtclms advice...I might try it myself! And I agree with all the other posts. The only thing I would add is trying a lot of different things (if you have the time/energy) and seeing what gives you the confidence and feeling great without making you feel exhausted. I hate having days off because I feel like it pushes the reset button on the shittyness right when I start feeling better, but I get the same exhaustion to the point where I need to stop. I would look into jobs where you are working over 50% of the week, still have time off but are doing things for YOU during those days off like planning day trips, cleaning the house, reading books, working out, exploring, seeing friends, etc. Whatever you enjoy. The important thing is to find the balance between it all to where you can still have "you" time to rejuvenate and do things for yourself without stopping and falling into a bad state, and keeping yourself busy enough with a job you enjoy but don't get too exhausted with. 

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I agree with most. Here are a couple points to re explain 


* I can NOT work with direct supervision. I do NOT want someone micro managing me. 

* I can work for 2-3 days tops but then start to decompensate. If I continue, I hallucinate and get paranoid.

* Working part time does NOT pay the bills. 

* I do not want to live off the govt, but working part time due to my medical conditions renders me unable to qualify for SSI / SSDI

* I do want to work - I enjoy it. It brings me comfort. Yet brings me misery when I repeatedly fail in situations "I should feel comfortable with"

* Vocatinal Rehab includes supervision. When I am supervised, stress starts immediately (especially when micro managed), and I hallucinatue or become paranoid in HOURS.

* Even doing charity work kicks in my symptoms - paranoia mainly .. Everyone talking about or conspiring against me


My idea life, honestly, is to qualift for SSI / SSDI and do a LITTLE bit of work on the side. Side work where I can talk one on one with customers. Yard work, gutters, etc. Not make crap for money but allow it to empower my belief in myself. More for charity then the money. This would give me a sense of purpose. I have also been dealing with more mentally ill people on the phone since my hopsital visit and that helps TREMENDOUSLY. Gets me out of myseld and my problems. Has stopped multiple hospital stays.


The bottom line situation is there is no VOCATION I can be "trained" for. Stress (workplace environments) trigger me. Small odd jobs are ALL I can handle. And even THEN after a day at times I have to take breaks. At the most after 2-3 days I have to take a day or two off to regroup and regain mental stability. 


I am not trying to moooch the system. I am trying to find a balance of stable income and a stable useful life where my condition doesn't limit my daily functioning AS MUCH and allows me to feel productive. 


Hopefully this post makes a bit more sense.

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Ooooh! I get what you are saying now. I'm sorry, I confuse easily.

I thought you were saying you wanted a more structured job and needed to work because otherwise you get in a bad place (suicidal depression). But you are really trying to get on SSDI or SSI and do work on the side. Like $300 a month or so.

Do you have enough work credits for SSDI? I would try to get on that first. You usually get more money than being on SSI alone. And unfortunately if you get SSI instead of SSDI you have to have that $300 count against how much SSI you get. With SSDI you can make I think it's somewhere around $900 (please correct me if I'm wrong) and it won't trigger a ticket to work period.

So it would be ideal for you to get on SSDI and do very part time working odd jobs.

Good luck with your SSDI application. I hope you get a favorable outcome and soon at that!

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