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On being touched and intimacy


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I did not want to hijack another thread about being touched so I'm starting my own because I wanted to talk about being intimate with your SO.

 

I'm sad to hear that I'm not alone in not liking to kiss my husband or have him touch me gently or even a hug. I wish we didn't have to go through any of this crap. I hate being touched anywhere. I told him about my trauma after a while and he said that things made a lot more sense now. He is very respectful.

 

I hate being intimate with him. I do it because I love him, but I get no pleasure out of anything. I can't be touched anywhere and I often have to go to a different place to escape the reality of what is happening. I think of something else and try to not think about it and just hope it is done soon. Sometimes I feel violated again but I try to remember I am safe with him.

 

Rape is in my past and also my dad did somethings to me as a child/teen. I don't want to go into details. I'm sorry.

 

What can be done to help this? I don't want to be like this anymore. Does therapy really help? I hate talking about it and have not admitted it to any tdoc I've had.

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Yes, I think therapy does help this problem, for a lot of people. I was abused as a child and have spent some time on child abuse forums and this is a common problem. I remember a lot of people there saying therapy helped them. Personally, I have a lot of trouble with sex, but I think it's more of a SZA thing.

 

I know it's hard to talk about with a tdoc, but I'm betting you will feel better if you do.

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It's hard to go through this. Lots of people have, and yet it feels so isolating. It's actually so common that there are support groups and forums like this one for our significant others on how to have safe intimacy with the survivor in their lives. At one point I had a calender set in my phone that would remind me to initiate sex with my SO. It was set to a dice-count so it seemed random. Otherwise I never would do it, and he'd get resentful.

There are some good books and workbooks about sexual healing from sexual assault. Dissociating during sex (or going somewhere else) is really common, even amongst people who haven't been sexually assaulted, or had run-ins with our dads. You're not alone in doing that. Lots of people will know what you mean, if you can figure out how to bring it up. A good tdoc will be able to put some of the dots together, even if you don't mention it directly. Another option might be to, assuming that you have a good tdoc (I can't remember if it's you who is in limbo on that, currently) to see if your SO can bring it up and you can go together for a little while and work on that.

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