HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER TYPE II, AND ALSO I HAVE SOCIAL PHOBIA. I HAVE HISTORY OF DRUG ABUSE, AND I HAD BEEN ADDICTED TO XANAX FOR 2 YEARS. THEN, BY FOLLOWING ASHTON MANUAL, I FINALLY MANAGED TO DROP OFF THESE MEDS GRADUALLY. AND I HAVE BEEN CLEAN FOR 18 MONTHS NOW. BUT MY LIFE GRADUALLY BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE AND 1 WEEK AGO I TOOK XANAX( AGAIN) AND IT HELPED ME TO DO DAILY TASKS WITHOUT ANXIETY ISSUES. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I HAVE THE FEELING THAT WITHOUT BENZOS MY LIFE IS NOT AS IT SHOULD BE WITHOUT XANAX I AM LOCKED IN MY HOUSE, BARELY ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH STRANGERS, EVEN WHEN NEEDED.
Ever since I was young I've always dreamed that I'd end up becoming rich and famous and become a well known celebrity or something. There's also other things that I dream that I could be like, such as being really beautiful and going on magical fantasy adventures where I travel to various places and stuff.
But the real world is a piece of shit and it's very likely that will never be the case. I'll never live in a mansion and be so famous that people make biographies and documentaries about my life and the things I've done that made me famous. I'll always be hideous and I'll never go on some fantastic quest or anything of the sort. I'll die without having accomplished anything meaningful.
Because I can't be things that I want, I don't like myself and see nothing good about myself. People try to convince that I'm not worthless and there are good things about me but none of those things really help anything in the end. I can't feel pride in them because I don't have the things I mentioned. I can only like myself if I live the life I've laid out above. I don't want to be anything else and can only feel truly happy and satisfied with my life if I'm like that..
What can I do? Is it possible to like myself despite the fact I'll never be who I truly want to be?
I will try to keep this brief. I was always depressed and my senior year of college (a year ago) I had a major psychotic break where I literally thought I was flying through the universe. I was hospitalized in for two weeks, and I have been trying to fine tune my meds. I am working closely with my Pdoc, but am getting very discouraged. Any input would be appreciated.
Lithium is what brought be out of my mania, and I have been on 900mg er every since.
I have gone thru Latuda. Could only get to 60 mg. I took with food, but still felt ill most of the time.
Cannot take Lamictal due to headaches.
Tried Vryalar and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.
I am now up to 4mg of Rexulti as of last weekend. My Paranoia is the highest it has been since my hospitalization. Saw my Pdoc Friday and he said too soon to tell on the increased dosage and I can go from 7. out of 10 to 3 out of 10 in a matter of minutes. He added a small dose of Lexapro to help with my depression.
Rexulti has been the best drug from a side effect profile. If I could rid myself of the paranoia I would almost be normal.
Does anyone have any suggestions? Really appreciate it.
So I saw my psych doc today and he feels the best reactions I have had to control most all my symptoms are in this class of medications. Where I do not like this "named" class, I will give this one drug one more try. I have been on them all but this one. All the others I can take for short bursts of time. We are trying to find something I can take long-term.
Starting tonight with 20 mg of Latuda. I also asked for Cogentin to help with the horrible muscle spasms and rigid muscles. Mail order will eventually get me the Trasadone to help with sleep and Cogentin for muscle issues. I asked for Xanax and he wouldn't allow that since it's too short acting. I tried to convince him I need something for emergency purposes and he still said no.
It's been 6 months since I have seen my psych doc and in 40 minutes he went thru all my back history, last 30 years to try to find something to help me. He also wrote to my landlord stating that my new kitten is my therapy cat and can therefore not charge me any pet deposits nor fees. I love him for doing that for me !!!
So, after 35 years of treating me I asked... am I BiPolar or what am I? He said basically I suffer under the umbrella of chronic PTSD, tramatic brain injury and childhood abuse. The symptoms I continue to have will not go away, but need to be treated, great, huh? At least he was truthful. Settling in for the long-haul or what's left of my life. Somehow I was magically under the illusion I would be cured, lol.