Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org
Sign in to follow this  
NobodysDamsel

I'm afraid to change in case people don't like the new me

Recommended Posts

I'm sorry if this has already been posted by others. Lately I've been noticing that I'm actually afraid to change my behaviour, because I'm worried people wouldn't like who I turn into, and things would somehow get worse.

 

I want to feel attractive, sexy, happy, hopeful, confident, etc. All of these are completely normal and people are expected to feel that way about themselves. But, I'm scared that people have gotten used to me the way I am, and that all of these things would change me so much that I become a whole other person. I would LOVE to feel like a brand new person, but what about my family and friends?

 

If I felt attractive, sexy, and like a grown woman rather than a little girl, I'm afraid that my parents - who I still live with - would sense it, and would think I'm out to have sex. Frankly I'd love to be having sex, but it would be really embarrassing if my parents thought I was, or was capable of it. At the moment I'm almost completely sexless, like a little girl. I'm not a virgin, but I act like a child. I FEEL like a child. Which is probably the way my parents want it. I doubt any of that made sense to you!

 

My friends are very shy, awkward, and have problems similar to my own. I think we are all introverts, and we all like rather childish things. I feel almost trapped by the childishness, and I'm desperate to feel more grown up... but my friends are stuck in the in-between from childhood to adulthood, too. I'm scared that if I were to act more mature, they wouldn't know what to do with me. That they wouldn't like me or be able to relate to me anymore. I've tried talking to them about my feelings of self-hatred and that I feel like I need to make a BIG change to myself, but... I'm not sure how they'd react if I did. When I told them, we were all being honest about our own fears and feelings. We pretty much just listened to eachother and looked at eachother. And fidgeted. I love my friends, but it feels really awkward with them. I don't know if that's just because we all have problems... it probably is. But I feel quite... reserved with them. And that really bugs me. 

 

Of course, I'm not only afraid to change because of what other people may think. I'm scared that I wouldn't be able to keep it up, that I'd be fake, that I'd just be lying to myself and others about who I am. I'm scared to feel sexy and attractive because then I might want to have intimate relationships. And that would make me feel very, very lonely. 

 

I also have this strange belief that I must act the way I look. I feel ugly, so I can't behave as if I were pretty. I look like a kid, so I can't act like a woman. Etc.

 

:wall:

 

Thank you for reading my thread! 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes I think we overestimate how different we would be if we changed some aspect of our behavior or personality.  If you gained some confidence or felt more attractive, you most likely wouldn't seem like a "brand new you."  You would be a slightly different version of yourself.  I don't mean to imply that change is not possible, only that it is often gradual and less spectacular than we imagine.

 

Also, the important people in our lives have a way of changing with us.  As you grow more into feeling like an adult, your parents will probably adjust along with you.  I live with my parents, too, and I have noticed that as I individuate from them and assume more responsibility, they treat me increasingly like an adult and friend, rather than as a dependent.

 

I hope that makes sense.  I relate a lot to what you wrote, and just wanted to throw in my thoughts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The key is little steps. You don't wake up one day and decide to be totally different, you make one small change, and then another, and then, as lifequake says so wisely, the people around you adjust too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To be perfectly honest, it may happen!  I was pretty sick when I married my first husband, deep into depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social phobia so when he was shipped overseas in the military for about a year leaving me home alone with 2 children I figured I'd fall completely apart because I was almost completely reliant on him.  On the contrary, it made me learn to rely on myself and I found out that I was good at it!  I became more confident, outgoing, and happy.  When he came home he did NOT like the new me!!  He was used to me being under his control, he had been the center of my universe, and suddenly I had my own ideas and feelings and saw that there was more to life than just what he wanted.  It got REALLY ugly, he was more overtly abusive...short of it is it ended in a nasty divorce that, along with some other serious incidents, completely shattered me. 

 

I still haven't gotten back to that happier, more confident, outgoing me again but my point in telling you this is even with how I've experienced a serious setback I know without a single doubt that I am much better off without him!  He was nothing but an abusive, controlling, manipulative, self centered, narcissistic anchor in my life!  I wouldn't have a hope in hell of ever finding that happy me or slowly working my way back to it if he'd stayed in my life. 

 

You want to make a change in yourself and if you feel like that change will be a positive change for you then you must do it!  The people that are worth hanging onto in your life will understand, be happy for you, support you, and maybe even be inspired to make a positive change in themselves.  Anyone who does otherwise are nothing but anchors in your life that need to be dropped anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh I know exactly what you mean! I HATE changing myself or my habits because I'm afraid other people will "notice." not so much disapprove, but if I improve myself, people will notice, which means they must have disliked my old self to begin with. For instance, when I was a kid I hated all veggies. ALL of them. And my pafents nagged and nagged me to eat them and forced me to eat them. It became standard practice to fight with me over the veggies at the dinner table. but when I got older I learned to like a lot of them, and I wanted to try them, but I refused to in front of my parents because they would be like "well holy shit, is she actually eating her vegetables?!" and it would be awkward and embarrassing. Same thing with clothes. I dared not wear anything sexy or super nice, because everyone knew I wore baggy sweaters and was a tomboy..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Even if you change some things about yourself, you're not changing who you fundamentally are.  And it is those fundamental things, I believe, that attract us to other people and vice versa.

 

I also agree with lifequake that, oftentimes, the important people in our life change with us which actually brings you closer together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all. Your replies make a lot more sense, and, thinking about it now, only good could come of it. If I were more confident and independent, a very large burden would be lifted from my parents. Also, I would say yes instead of no to invitations from my friends. Maybe I could even help my friend, who is in a similar sort of situation to me... things are happening in the UK right now that are putting a lot of strain on mental health sufferers, and it's getting to a point where it's do or die. They are forcing my friend and I to work, and that is causing us both a tremendous amount of stress and worry. Maybe if I can work on my self-esteem, confidence, and independence, I can tackle this and help my friend to tackle it, too.

 

Besides, I need to change anyway, for me. It's unlikely that anyone would have a problem with me changing, but if they did, it would not be a reason for me to stay the way I am.

 

I've been thinking about this mess going on in the UK, and I think it has forced me to get some perspective today. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To be perfectly honest, it may happen!  I was pretty sick when I married my first husband, deep into depression, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social phobia so when he was shipped overseas in the military for about a year leaving me home alone with 2 children I figured I'd fall completely apart because I was almost completely reliant on him.  On the contrary, it made me learn to rely on myself and I found out that I was good at it!  I became more confident, outgoing, and happy.  When he came home he did NOT like the new me!!  He was used to me being under his control, he had been the center of my universe, and suddenly I had my own ideas and feelings and saw that there was more to life than just what he wanted.  It got REALLY ugly, he was more overtly abusive...short of it is it ended in a nasty divorce that, along with some other serious incidents, completely shattered me. 

 

I still haven't gotten back to that happier, more confident, outgoing me again but my point in telling you this is even with how I've experienced a serious setback I know without a single doubt that I am much better off without him!  He was nothing but an abusive, controlling, manipulative, self centered, narcissistic anchor in my life!  I wouldn't have a hope in hell of ever finding that happy me or slowly working my way back to it if he'd stayed in my life. 

 

You want to make a change in yourself and if you feel like that change will be a positive change for you then you must do it!  The people that are worth hanging onto in your life will understand, be happy for you, support you, and maybe even be inspired to make a positive change in themselves.  Anyone who does otherwise are nothing but anchors in your life that need to be dropped anyway.

 

I'm sorry that happened! :( I guess it takes a big change in yourself to see how people really are. I know that we attract certain people when we are sick, and attract different people when we are well. I've heard that a lot and I keep that in mind when I think how I would like to have another relationship. I'm glad you found out that you are capable of relying on yourself. I found your story quite inspiring, and I really hope that you get back to your confident, outgoing, happy self very soon!

 

Oh I know exactly what you mean! I HATE changing myself or my habits because I'm afraid other people will "notice." not so much disapprove, but if I improve myself, people will notice, which means they must have disliked my old self to begin with. For instance, when I was a kid I hated all veggies. ALL of them. And my pafents nagged and nagged me to eat them and forced me to eat them. It became standard practice to fight with me over the veggies at the dinner table. but when I got older I learned to like a lot of them, and I wanted to try them, but I refused to in front of my parents because they would be like "well holy shit, is she actually eating her vegetables?!" and it would be awkward and embarrassing. Same thing with clothes. I dared not wear anything sexy or super nice, because everyone knew I wore baggy sweaters and was a tomboy..

 

Haha I think I know what you mean. I never used to wear pink or girly clothes when I was younger, but then at 15 I suddenly loved pink and bought lots of pretty, flowery, frilly clothes. It was quite a change. But everyone goes through those changes, probably... especially in adolescence, but probably throughout life. It is quite embarrassing though when people look at you all shocked and go "Oh my God!"  :lol: I guess I am afraid of getting those weird, embarrassing looks and comments. But we shouldn't really care what others think so much.... we are who we are, and people change, I guess! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the fact that you feel like you want to experiment with changing yourself is a positive sign that you will be OK if you try. Don't worry so much about judgment, go out and live your life, take chances, make mistakes. You'll be happier with yourself knowing you gave it a shot trying to be who you think you'd like to be. And hey if it doesn't work out, at least you'll know what you don't want to be, and you can move on to another experiment of self-change or whatever.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Besides, I need to change anyway, for me. It's unlikely that anyone would have a problem with me changing, but if they did, it would not be a reason for me to stay the way I am.

 

I was going to say this. :)

 

Making a change that you want to make feels good. I worry about what friends and people I work with will say, too, but where people comment, it's always been positive. I think people can tell when you've changed something that makes you happy and they respond to the happiness more than the change.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Similar Content

    • By MisterMelancholy
      Ever since I was young I've always dreamed that I'd end up becoming rich and famous and become a well known celebrity or something. There's also other things that I dream that I could be like, such as being really beautiful and going on magical fantasy adventures where I travel to various places and stuff.
       
      But the real world is a piece of shit and it's very likely that will never be the case. I'll never live in a mansion and be so famous that people make biographies and documentaries about my life and the things I've done that made me famous. I'll always be hideous and I'll never go on some fantastic quest or anything of the sort. I'll die without having accomplished anything meaningful.
       
      Because I can't be things that I want, I don't like myself and see nothing good about myself. People try to convince that I'm not worthless and there are good things about me but none of those things really help anything in the end. I can't feel pride in them because I don't have the things I mentioned. I can only like myself if I live the life I've laid out above. I don't want to be anything else and can only feel truly happy and satisfied with my life if I'm like that..
       
      What can I do? Is it possible to like myself despite the fact I'll never be who I truly want to be?
    • By abrooksIN
      I will try to keep this brief.  I was always depressed and my senior year of college (a year ago) I had a major psychotic break where I literally thought I was flying through the universe.  I was hospitalized in for two weeks, and I have been trying to fine tune my meds.  I am working closely with my Pdoc, but am getting very discouraged.  Any input would be appreciated.
      Lithium is what brought be out of my mania, and I have been on 900mg er every since.
      I have gone thru Latuda. Could only get to 60 mg.  I took with food, but still felt ill most of the time.
      Cannot take Lamictal due to headaches.
      Tried Vryalar and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin.
      I am now up to 4mg of Rexulti as of last weekend.  My Paranoia is the highest it has been since my hospitalization.  Saw my Pdoc Friday and he said too soon to tell on the increased dosage and I can go from 7. out of 10 to 3 out of 10 in a matter of minutes.  He added a small dose of Lexapro to help with my depression.
      Rexulti has been the best drug from a side effect profile.  If I could rid myself of the paranoia I would almost be normal.   
      Does anyone have any suggestions?  Really appreciate it.
    • By Inanlae
      Has anyone done this successfully?  How did you deal with your anxiety--social, GAD--without your benzodiazepine?  I've been taking it as prescribed since 2003.  I am addicted.
    • By Dewey
      So I saw my psych doc today and he feels the best reactions I have had to control most all my symptoms are in this class of medications.  Where I do not like this "named" class, I will give this one drug one more try.  I have been on them all but this one. All the others I can take for short bursts of time.  We are trying to find something I can take long-term.
      Starting tonight with 20 mg of Latuda.  I also asked for Cogentin to help with the horrible muscle spasms and rigid muscles.  Mail order will eventually get me the Trasadone to help with sleep and Cogentin for muscle issues. I asked for Xanax and he wouldn't allow that since it's too short acting.  I tried to convince him I need something for emergency purposes and he still said no.
      It's been 6 months since I have seen my psych doc and in 40 minutes he went thru all my back history, last 30 years to try to find something to help me. He also wrote to my landlord stating that my new kitten is my therapy cat and can therefore not charge me any pet deposits nor fees.  I love him for doing that for me !!!  
      So, after 35 years of treating me I asked... am I BiPolar or what am I?  He said basically I suffer under the umbrella of chronic PTSD, tramatic brain injury and childhood abuse.  The symptoms I continue to have will not go away, but need to be treated, great, huh?  At least he was truthful.  Settling in for the long-haul or what's left of my life. Somehow I was magically under the illusion I would be cured, lol. 
    • By Dewey
      Thursday night was scary for me.  I felt a mood suddenly ink in and I think I may have been hallucinating or dissociating due to the anxiety I was experiencing.  I actually saw out of the corner of my right eye a face that was letting out all the angst I was feeling.  It was a tortured hideous expression, and as soon as it appeared, it disappeared and I could feel all those churning emotions inking back into me.  Soo weird !!!  Was this dissociation, am I now BiPolar, what in the heck happened to me?  Never had this, this intense before.  I was afraid of........ me. I don't have a clue what triggered all this.
      I could tell something seriously was wrong, so what do I do? I go straight to the computer and go to my favorite site to order things I have never been able to afford before as that is one technique to self soothe, only I went overboard.  Yes, I extended my line of credit one late night and now I am buying things that I don't even remember, even two or three of the same item.  I am now busy returning most of them.  However, there are items I have wanted for sooo long that I am now buying, I won't even go into the items I am sending back, way to embarrassing, lol. 
      What scared me the most was the enormous scary mood swing, out of the blue, the mood was bigger than life to me.  I could hear my psych doc telling me what to do as going thru a mood swing like this your body can tolerate extra medication, so I took 1/2 of a 25 mg Seroquel and it did nothing to stop the mood, so 1/2 hour later, I took another half of the 25 mg and it worked, within 30 minutes I was out and I slept 14 hours, woke up in a completely different mood, a completely different person.  I had to say to myself this morning when I woke up, who was that person last night, I didn't even recognize myself and what I went thru.  What a difference a good nights sleep does and strong medicine to help me get to and stay asleep.   Wondering now if I am BiPolar because I heard that only a solid 12 hours of sleep will break cycling and I was definitely cycling last night. 
      I have been coming down from Zyprexa due to extreme vertigo, so wondering if this may have been part of what happened to me.  I also have reduced the Klonopin due to issues with my HMO and have had to stock-pile them, which leaves me wide open for more anxiety.  Lately, my mood and anxiety/panic have rendered me housebound and even sometimes too fearful to get out of my bed. 
      Update:  Last night felt extreme paranoia inking in, back at the computer ordering things I don't even remember ordering as I see notices coming thru my email account, so took a full 25 mg of Seroquel and within an hour, the paranoia was gone and I slept straight thru 14 hours until this morning.  This morning feeling less paranoid, more grounded and a bit sedated due to the Seroquel.  Will see how the day progresses and if the paranoia and dissociation occurs again tonight.
×
×
  • Create New...