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I never even drank until I was like 19. Even then it was very little and very infrequently. Like maybe 2 times a year.

Then I moved back to my hometown and became even more glaringly MI. I hung out with a new crowd (desperate for friends) and they all drank very heavily. So I began to do the same. I was the life of the party. I felt free and no anxiety and felt good for a while. Which I figured was better for me rather than feeling bad ALL the time.

So I drank and drank and drank. For years. Until I got married and my husband doesn't really drink at all. So he started making me feel guilty for drinking so much all the time. Plus it started making my MI symptoms worse and I no longer felt good while very drunk.

Flash forward a bit. I have never admitted this here yet but I have been through a rehab program for alcohol. Once. And I was in denial BIG TIME back then. No one got through to me or could even convince me I had any kind of drinking problem. But I was also depressed out of my mind and was not receiving any MI help so I don't think that that was helping me have any kind of insight into a drinking habit.

So that was a few years ago. Worst time of my life. Mostly because of the untreated MI. Now I have meds and therapy (kinda). I still like to drink about every other or sometimes weekly. I hate myself for it. I have like 4 to 6 beers once a week. All in one sitting. Bad I know.

I want to quit so bad. I know it is bad for me and my mental health as well. My grandfather was an alcoholic and he quit cold turkey with no ones help at all. I actually see a dual diagnosis case worker. But I don't know if I can admit that I have a problem with alcohol still. Even though I have majorly cut back on my drinking.

Why do I have so much denial over this? I have insight into my MI after many years of education and therapy. Anyone else experience huge denial? How did you overcome it to finally quit alcohol?

I really hate that I don't even think I can have fun without being drunk. Ugh. That's the worst feeling.

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You need to either quit completely if you can't control yourself, and if you can you need to drink just don't binge drink. It is easier said than done. You could ask your husband to help with it if you aren't ashamed. You could just stop buying it and use the money to go to a movie, or rent a movie from lets say redbox or get a netflix subscription. 

 

It is really hard, I couldn't cold turkey from my addiction, stimulants, I just had to learn to use them in moderation. 

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My pdoc/tdoc (pdoc mostly) urged me to look into AA because I was just drinking to get drunk all the time, drinking to have fun and seeing it as one of the only ways to have fun. I went to AA for a bit, met some really awesome people, but soon found out that I didn't really need that. They started telling me that it was my "alcoholism" (I put that in paranthesis meaning myself) causing my MI symptoms and that I didn't need my meds anymore since I was in AA and was working "with a higher power." It was too intense for me but I realized that it just wasn't good to keep drinking so heavily on my meds and that I wanted to get better overall so I needed to stop. It wasn't easy at first but within a little over a year, I drank twice (drunk once out of those).  Tdoc eventually agreed that AA wasn't right for me but was glad I gave it a shot and said that pdoc just took a hard stance on things (he didn't like that I had been drinking since I was 14).

 

To slow my roll with drinking, I just had to stop. And force myself to stop. I stayed away from happy hours with friends/coworkers for awhile, didn't go back home to visit (though I did a few times and it was hard not to drink but I did it), just kind of took some time off of the social scene. Now that might not be the best thing for everyone but it helped me. I guess the time in AA (not the meetings, mainly having sober friends and doing social things with them that didn't revolve around drinking) was a helpful boost.

 

I had a lot of denial too. It was hard to (wo)man up to but worth it. I'm not saying you need AA or that it will solve your problems, I'm just sharing my experience. YMMV. :)

 

ETA: quitting the benzos (I was abusing them) was much harder...I have recently been able to use them again, responsibly, though it is not xanax. I don't think I could use that responsibly ever again.

Edited by forgetmenot220
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It helped me to talk with my pdoc about my drinking.  I had nailed down all of the logical reasons in my head why I should stop drinking, but talking to another person face-to-face about the raw emotions around it made a big difference.  Expressing and reflecting on the guilt, shame, depression, and negative consequences brought some clarity that I wasn't able to find on my own.

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Thank you guys for all your wisdom.

I have tried AA too and it was not my cup of tea.

I do think that one of the things that will help me give it up is the cost. And the fact that I have sober friends and husband. It's funny Forbidden, I was thinking of getting a Netflix account. I think that would be a good trade off.

I aM motivated and excited to try to stop drinking. Or only drinking a few times a year again.

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My pdoc once offered me Antabuse and was like "I have people who take it if they're really comitted to their recovery." I later thought hey, wait a minute, are you saying I'm not committed to my recovery?? Asshole! Hard to say if he meant it that way or not but it still rubbed me the wrong way.

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I just read something here that I have to correct because its untrue : AA itself has no opinion on outside issues (MI), people do. Nowhere does it say in AA to live a sober life you have to give up all meds, esp for mi- I would be screwed if that was the case. I got sober first and then discovered I had major mental illness. If anyone or any group tries telling you that to be truly sober you must give up your meds they are f***in wrong. Some people can drink responsibly, I cannot.

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forgetmenot - those AA people were SO wrong!  That's not even the AA point of view.  No one in the groups is a professional - we're all just a bunch of drunks learning to live life without a drink.

 

I am about 19 years in and am on Ritalin SR and Celexa.  The shrink that DX'd me with ADD said that many people with ADD have a history of alcohol abuse.  We self-medicate and it works, sort of, then backfires at some point.

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I feel different from the people in AA because of my MI.

I hate that.

 

I always think my pain is worse than theirs.

if they had my type of pain,the existential crisis type psychosis and suicidal depression,

they would use too.

well....

 

truth is i dont know how they feel.

maybe we're more alike than it seems.

 

yes,terminally unique and suffering for it.

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Actually lynyah, have you seen their pamphlet on medications? I believe it has recently been updated, or taken out of circulation, but it definitely gave off the vibe that they were against medications. They were also (or have?) coming out with a pamphlet on mental illness.

Whatever the opinion, pamphlet, or person, booze can take a bad turn for people.

I'm glad that AA/NA/whatever-A helps people. :)

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