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Hi everyone. I've been on some "support forums" before but I like the sound of this one. Looking for a place where I can get some advice/different opinions that are not sugar coated.

 

I am female in my mid 20's, live alone with 2 dogs and 2 cats, working full-time at a job I enjoy. I have been on antidepressants since I was a young teen, been on celexa for about 10 years now, varying doses.

 

I have bouts of bad depression and bouts of okay-ness that last a few months at a time. My state of life doesn't affect it - ie. I would be just as depressed if I was a millionaire or broke. I have had good jobs and bad jobs and it doesn't make a bit of difference.

 

What brings me here now is that in the past couple years I have been getting ANGRY which is a new thing for me. I feel especially angry at night. My patience is very low and the littlest things piss me off to no end. One of my dogs is quite young and she is full of shenanigans, and stuff she does in the morning or afternoon that wouldn't bother me much absolutely infuriates me at night. She gets a lot more yelling at and scruffings after dinner - and I don't want to cow her from over-disciplining just because I'm in a bad mood. It's not fair that I take out my bad mood on her. The worst part is that it feels like I get relief when I get mad. I know that getting mad at her doesn't do her much good training-wise and I like to use positive re-inforcement most of the time, but it's like blowing up is rewarding for ME so I keep doing it. Now when the sun goes down she walks around on eggshells and it breaks my heart. I don't want to be like that.

 

It makes me think that if I can't even handle a dog what kind of wife or mother would I be. It makes me think I might be better off being alone forever. I honestly can't imagine why anyone would want me - for a wife, a mother, or in the dog's case, for an owner.

Not looking for judgement. I know I can be an asshole to my dog but I'm not abusive, just not nice. She gets lots of love and quality time with me and the old dog too. It's just that when the dog gets hyper I get hyper, except I get hyped up in a negative way and I don't like it.

 

Anyone have success keeping their anger at bay and learning to be peaceful? Like should I try yoga or meditation or something? One of my therapists seems to think that trying a different medication might be helpful, but I am TERRIFIED to try  it. When I changed to celexa it was the worst time of my life until I got used to it.

 

 

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First off, welcome to CB! 

 

Could your anger be an expression of depression symptoms when the sun goes down? Getting a light box might help with that. 

 

A medication change could be in order, but not necessarily a full on change. Maybe your psychiatrist (pdoc) could add something to help with the anger at night? 

 

As well, keep working with your tdocs (therapists) to possibly find the reason for your anger. Have they suggested anger management classes at all? That might be a route to go. 

 

Anyway, welcome! I just want to give you our little PSA: We ask all new members to read the User Agreement, just so you know how we run around here. :)

 

I hope you enjoy hanging around CB! 

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Thanks for your reply - yes, I have read the user agreement thoroughly, it's one of the better ones I've seen. I think I will like it here.

 

I honestly haven't seen anyone for a mental illness related discussion for several months. In all honesty, I'm quite open about my depression and anxiety with most people but this developing anger is something I've kept a close secret - I'm afraid of judgement. I'm afraid that because I live in a small town people will jump to conclusions and I'll get labeled. It could be bad for my job. I'm afraid if I confide in someone about it the matter will be out of my hands. What if someone thinks I am prone to violence and wants to hospitalize me? That would ruin my career. And at this point in my life, my career is all I have. I am not suicidal and never have been, but I feel like I am playing my last card here and if I ruin this job I might as well just die or live off the land in the middle of nowhere away from society. Sounds a bit drastic but I have tried and failed and failed and failed so many times in my life and I've finally got everything I want and I don't want to blow it. ONCE I confided to a counselor about my angry outbursts, and the look on her face told me instantly it was a mistake. You could see the alarm bells going off. Now, *I* know I have no desire to hurt others, but people are so on edge these days about violence - look at that guy who was arrested because he made a sarcastic comment on facebook about shooting up a school. I'm afraid if I say one wrong thing someone is going to jump to the conclusion that I'm at risk for violence and lock me up. I want to be more peaceful and less pent-up, but fear rules my life. I'm afraid that if I confide in someone I'll always be afraid that they'll misunderstand me and backstab me. One of the joys of having GAD :)

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Well, since therapists are supposed to be keeping your sessions confidential, I'm not sure why you think the tdoc would tell your business all around town.  If that is truly a concern, I think you need a new therapist.  You should be able to tell your tdoc everything.

 

I would interview some new ones, and explain during the initial meeting that you are concerned about confidentiality.  How do they handle the notes they take?  Who has access to them?  I would question them very closely about this.

 

Anger is a normal human emotion.  If you feel that your anger is controlling your behavior at night, then a good therapist ought to be able to help you with "anger management."  They shouldn't be running off to the cops and accusing you of being the next machine-gun killer just because you're testy and snap at your dog.  Also, I think that a good psychiatrist might supplement your antidepressant with another med to help you with this.

 

I'm glad you came here and I hope that you take away some ideas that might help you to regain your stability.

 

olga

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Welcome and hope you find some good support here.

 

I can't help but notice that you seem to have a very exaggerated fear of how people will react to your anger. Not just to angry outbursts but to the very fact that you have anger. It's an unusual person who hasn't vented inappropriately at one time or another or dealt with excessive anger and irritability. So I'd be surprised - even if people at work somehow found out that you had problems with anger - if it would seriously affect your career as long as you weren't inappropriate there. I'm also surprised that a therapist would be that taken aback by your anger - it might be that you projected some of your fears onto them. Or maybe they were just not that great a therapist.

 

So anyway, what I'm wondering is - if you have these strong anxieties about your anger - if you then have difficulty expressing anger constructively and assertively when you need to. That's a skill we all need to learn, but if we're too afraid of our anger we might never learn to channel it effectively. And that might make us feel powerless. And it's often exactly that kind of powerlessness that can lead people to vent with animals instead who are "safe." That might be why you feel such relief when you vent with your dog.

 

Obviously I'm just speculating on what little you've written. But it definitely sounds like a great topic for therapy and I want to assure you that your fears that people will see you as some sort of violent unstable maniac are way way exaggerated.

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Thanks for your replies. It is true that my fears about most things are usually either unfounded or exaggerated or both. It is also true that in the past I have suffered the consequences of being open with anger. As a child every time someone bullied me at school and I sought help from an adult, *I* was always the one who ended up in detention for it, because the bullies could lie through their teeth and I was so brutally honest as a child. So I quit asking for help and just took it for a while. Then when I was about 11 I met a girl who befriended me and taught me that I shouldn't be a doormat and that it was okay to "defend myself" - which was to her sassing back and sometimes throwing a punch. After I snapped a couple times and smacked some people around for bullying me people started to leave me alone. I am very honest and open and I never understood why people couldn't just deal with their problems by talking about them and being reasonable. But there were lots of times when I drew the line and said "Hey, I have a problem with this" and spoke my mind, and I always got a dressing down for it - either from teachers, parents, friends, whomever. I am the kind of person who take an almost infinite amount of bullshit without batting an eye, and then I lose it. But when dealing with people problems, when I get angry and frustrated I cry. I don't yell or scream, I just cry and cry and cry. I don't know how to deal with any kind of emotion other than to cry. When I'm excited, I cry. Overjoyed, I cry. Whenever I get in any kind of intense energy situation I cry my eyes out. Even if I'm not upset in the slightest, if I just go through something intense I cry. I cry the worst when someone gives me a heartfelt compliment.

 

Once I came upon someone I knew losing their temper on a dog, and I tried to get in between the two of them. I calmly said "stop" twice and when the person didn't hear me, I tried to seprate that person from the dog and the person fell and hurt themselves. Just as this was happening the persons partner came out and was ready to rearrange my face. And my family thought I needed an intervention at this point and sat me down and had a discussion about my "temper" and how I need to "be careful" - all of which was a bunch of bullshit because I did not feel angry at all during the event, I was calm and cool. The person fell but they still to this day maintained that I pushed them. So that's a prime example of why I feel I can't be honest with people, because they'll take it way out of proportion.

 

I guess the worst part of being the way I am is that everything I do is motivated by fear - I don't do much because I enjoy it or want to do it, I do it because I'm afraid of the consequences of not doing it.

 

I don't have a psychiatrist - our town doesn't have one, only some that pass through every few months. I was reffered from my GP to a social worker who has helped me a lot with other issues. I know that they are supposed to keep utmost confidentiality but I'm afraid that they will feel the need to break that if they feel I am at risk of harming myself or others - which I'm not.

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Hi and welcome!  I'm certainly not an expert but it sure sounds like you tend to bottle things up to a point where it finally has to come out in these little explosions.  So maybe if you could find a safe way of venting it more often a little at a time?  And do some soul searching to find out why you feel like you have to bottle it up in the first place so you can try to change it there?  Maybe if you can chat about it some here it will help a bit. 

 

Btw, I've worked as a professional dog trainer on and off for years and years so if there's anything I can do to help, maybe give a suggestion or two about how to stop whatever behavior your dog is doing that upsets you, I'll sure try.

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Thanks! You are definetly right, I bottle things up a lot. I feel like I have been conditioned over the years to do so because being open has only been met with a negative response. I don't like to feel vulnerable. I even have a very difficult time talking about it online because I think someone who knows me might read it and figure out who I am, but I really feel the need to vent to someone about it - and online it kind of makes you anonymous. I really do worry about small things WAY too much and fantasize that the things I do will have catastrophic consequences. Like for instance, what if, one day I am in a situation by pure chance that makes me a suspect for a crime like murder and people find out that I am on this board or that board talking about being angry and they use that as evidence to falsely convict me. Like a real-life Richard Kimble. That is the kind of stuff my brain makes up all the time.

 

Funnily enough I am also a certified dog trainer, I just don't have much interest in training other people's dogs. I like to work with my own dogs though, I just get frustrated when I fail to communicate with them. Strangely enough I hardly ever get angry at the cats, even though they are way naughtier. I think that when I'm dealing with dogs that are in an aroused state (ie highly excited, fearful, aggressive) I also feel that way. My older dog is calm and stoic and we get along great, but the younger one is still full of beans because she is young and she winds me up. I'm like that with people too. If one of my co-workers is pissed off and in a bad mood, so am I. I really mirror other peoples/animals behavior and emotions.

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