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A brief history of my life in dating and drugs, and why I am who I am.


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Before I say anything, I really appreciate you reading through this all. It really does mean a lot to me that someone would be interested enough to just read what I have to say.

I'm always open to comments, suggestions and advice and am able to talk about anything.

As of now, I am 69 days harm free.

 

The attached image is a timeline of what I'm about to go into detail about.

(Alternatively, you can view it here.)

 

I was thinking about all the events that have happened lately and trying to figure out the cause… and I finally found the source of the problem. If you’ve got some time to kill, I would really appreciate it if some people read it. 

 

Okay, let’s start off with relationship 1. This was the first and only relationship that I was truly happy with. I didn’t have “problems", neither did she. It was great. Happy, fun, everything. (The red CD post is about this one). Anyways, I let my guard down and she “cheated" on me with a guy that played in a band and had a dirty face. He was my friend, his mom and my mom were best friends.. I didn’t see it coming. I was totally in denial.
Then, came the bargaining. I wanted to give everything to make it work.
Anger followed that, and a period of depression. This was the first time I really abused drugs. I always did drugs or drank but I got reckless at this point. Probably a few near death experiences, I don’t even remember.

A few months later, I begin talking to relationship 2 (Referred to as R2 from now on). She wasn’t living here and was going through a lot of problems. Me, being a nice caring guy, noticed her struggles and began talking to her as a friend about it all. We end up becoming very good friends and told each other everything. She moves back down within driving distance to my house. Perfect. Everything was perfect. The first time I drove solo was up to her house. Well, her friends house. I picked her up and drove us to Walmart. It stated raining really hard so we just stayed inside and listened to a CD i had made her. It was so perfect and I remember drawing hearts on the fogged up windows and writing her name in it and I was so happy. The car battery ended up dying, and her friend "needed" her back home. We kept putting it off as long as possible.I wasn’t able to see her much but every chance I possibly had.. I took advantage of. I would ride with friends up to Pace so they can play basketball and I would get them to drop me off on the way.Often, I wasn’t able to see her for more than like 10 minutes these times. I had the chance to go and see her one time when she was at her house. It was a hour and a half drive there and back and I knew I’d only be able to stay for like 15 minutes or so. But I went anyways.This was really nice and I loved it. I love you’s were exchanged, staying together forever’s, all that. When I had gotten home though, things had changed. For whatever reason she wasn’t talking much anymore to me and it was weird. 
Her ex-boyfriend, interestingly enough also R1’s ex, was harassing her and stuff on Facebook and I felt like I had to do something. I ended up finding things out too, such as him getting her drunk and taking advantage of her. I was mad so I went to his house pissed. Long story short, we got in a car chase and R2 called me begging me to just leave it alone. After that, we were just simply done.

After that… I got REALLY reckless. Drunk driving, binges, drinking till blackouts, ODing on pills, you name it.. I did it.
Shortly after everything happened, I OD’d and was in a drug induced coma for three days. I took 8,000 mg of an unknown pill. I was at my grandma’s house in Alabama and swallowed 20 something pills. This was right after R2 was done and I just couldn’t take it.
When I got back to Florida, I was baker acted and sent to Panama City for three days. 

Then, came the partying. I hardly ever socially drank or did drugs, besides coming to school fucked up, and my friends started to get into it too. There’s not much to say other than I threw a party at some kids house, got all the alcohol, and before the majority of the people were even there.. I was already blasted. Once everyone started getting there, things got turned up a notch. Beer pong was too easy for me and I was hardly even drinking the beer so I drank them while playing. 1 beer was split into 3 cups, there were roughly 9 cups total.. so I at least drank 12 or so beers in beer pong alone. Anyways, after countless beers and drinking a bunch of bacardi with these girls that were like 13, I hit my limit. I puked everywhere. My friends were there, grabbed me, and we left. I was puking the entire car ride back to his house, all over the outside of his car. I blacked out once or twice during the ride. We get back to his house and I passed out in a church parking lot while they went to get food. I was out for like an hour, and once I got up.. I was ready for more. Long story short, I kept drinking and drinking and have no idea how I got back to his house. This was the best moment of my life.

So once I began socially drugging and drinking, I kept pushing my limits. DxM (Robotussin) was my drug of choice. It would make me have no emotions whatsoever, which is exactly what I needed. I didn’t want to feel the pain of R1 and R2.

My mom thought my problem was that I was “hanging out with the wrong crowd" and over time I thought she was right. So I transfer to a different school, have a car to get there, and quite a bit of freedom. This is where I met R3. I felt so uncomfortable and didn’t know anybody and had no idea how to socialize and it was bad. But then it hit me - amphetamines make me talk like crazy. I used to binge on Adderall/Ritalin/stuff like that and I would stay up for days without eating or sleeping. These also were some of the best times of my life. So I knew my plan - get drugs that make me talk to make friends. It sounded logical in my head but I couldn’t find adderall anywhere. Desperate, I searched for cocaine. I had done coke once or twice, I mean I liked it but it didn’t last long. Not like Adderall or Vyvanse at least. That first Friday night of the new school year, R3 invited me to come hangout with her at her house. I had talked to R3 on Facebook and whatnot because we had a mutual friend and I kind of connected with her. So I ask my parents if I could go, they said I could but my mom wanted to check my phone first. Numerous texts to people I don’t even know were made in search for drugs. When confronted, I exploded. I was actually doing them for a reason. I wanted to be social. So, I end up getting taken to the hospital and I’m held in the psych ward for 15 days total. Then, I went to a place right outside Orlando. It was a nice stay over all, I did school, learned a lot, met some neat people but one day this new kid came in and he smuggled in drugs. I thought I was done but once he said he had them.. I couldn’t resist. Of course the inpatient place noticed we were fucked up all of a sudden so EMS came and firefighters and we went to the ER. They checked us out and I felt terrible. I was in a place to get better, and thought I was doing good - but I did drugs the first chance I got. This motivated me enough to turn things around and really do good in there.

After 40 days in there, I was released and able to go home. I was back in my old school and felt great. I was sober and wanted to help everyone that was struggling with addiction or mental illness so I created a club for it. I had it approved, made flyers, everything. I just didn’t pull the trigger on it. Instead, I got right back in my old ways and started drinking and using drugs. It wasn’t as bad this time, but it was still worse than the average person.

I get caught once or twice and eventually I just stop altogether. It was nice, and I was pretty happy with my life. But everyone around me still drank or popped pills so it was impossible to stay away from the temptation. I saved some money, and realized I could buy products online and sell them at school. This was an instant hit. I took my $60 and made $400 within 2 weeks. I felt great. I had so much power and control over people and they came to me needing me for something. it was something I never felt and this was the best feeling I’ve ever had.
I originally was just going to sell it and reap the profits, but one night I decided to test it out myself. After being sober for a month or two, I did it. I instantly loved it and did it more often. A few times a week. I’d wait until everyone was asleep, drop acid, and trip all night and morning. Not even sleeping and still tripping, I’d drive to school. I did this almost every day, with some drug or another. You may be asking yourself, “how does this relate to R3?"  well this is how it went : I had connections with everyone. I could get anything, I had money, I was confident. R3 struggled with self harm and over time I actually thought I made a difference in her life. But on March 6th, I felt like shit. I noticed she cut herself and I felt like she lied to me and didn’t care about me and stuff. I buy 4 bars of xanax the next day, snort 3 of them throughout the school day, and dropped acid before first period. I felt like a waste, so I didn’t care at all. I gave no fucks. That night, I ended up drinking at a friends house and was on a bar of xanax, 1.5 tabs of acid, and  I had drank 2 Four Lokos and a few beers. If you don’t know anything about Four Lokos.. one will get you drunk as fuck. 2 will destroy you, knock you right on your ass. Near blackout drunk. So with the mix of all these drugs, I felt I might as well smoke some weed too. I got in my car, my friends did too, and we drove to pick up some weed. I let my friend drive because I knew I was bombed. On the way back though, he accidentally hit a mailbox and I said “if anyone’s going to wreck this car.. it’s going to be me." Within minutes of driving, I come up to a sharp turn. I’m going roughly 40 mph on a residential road and I blacked out. I slammed on the gas and kept going faster. Was it a mix of drugs/alcohol and feeling worthless and like the biggest piece of shit ever? Yeah. I slammed into a telephone pole, feet from literally smashing through someone’s house. My friends jump out and I was like “ah shit I fucked up." EMS came, police came, etc. and I was taken to jail. I was booked, processed, fingerprinted, and released to my parents at 5 am. I had a court hearing for DUI and some other charges. I’m not going to go into how my home life was at this point , but I will say my mom pulled me out of school completely and I had a teacher come to my house twice a week to teach me. I was completely cut off from my friends, totaled my car. At the court hearing, I was sentenced to 12 months probation, 57 hours of community service, numerous fees, and a few DUI classes. That was just about 4 months ago today.  I obviously had no connection to the outside world, so drugs weren’t an issue. Besides, I was tested monthly and if I failed I would go to jail for a year. Allllllll throughout this, R3 stayed in there with me. She didn’t give up, and didn’t think anything different of me. She really needed me. So that was a good feeling but over time I realized I didn’t feel the same way.

Both R2 and R3 were started because I was down, noticed they were down, and instead of helping myself - I ignored my issues and took on theirs. They were codependent relationships. Very unhealthy.

The thing I realized the other day is that there was an actual reason I was helping so many people. I was trying to escape my problems by helping someone else. But once their life started going bad, my problems started showing up and it was just bad. Which is what led to several near death experiences, as well as the DUI.

Things with R3 didn’t go so well. As I was started to realize this, I tried to detach. There were some other reasons as well, but she eventually broke up with me. The thing about that is that she didn’t stay there. I thought we’d be together, she wanted to be together forever.. but instead of trying to really help me and stick around, she left. I didn’t know how to fix my life, and her words were something along the lines of that she’s not going to try and help and it’s up to me. In the end, it is/was up to me but the loss of R3 when I thought she’d stay around forever was pretty weird to me. I actually didn’t self harm, and I didn’t do drugs. I got over it. I got a job, and started focusing on myself. Really starting to heal because I knew what the root problem was.

Now here I am, 70ish days harm free and 70+ days sober.  I’m doing considerably better. I’m focusing on myself, and really getting my future going. I still have the urge to drink and be socially fucked up, but that’s going to come later in life. Today actually, I was offered a few muscle relaxers. Usually, I’d be all over them - it didn’t matter what pill.. but I said no. I knew I could get away with it and it wasn’t something that would show up on drug tests. But I had the willpower to say no. I originally said yes, but when he pulled it out.. I was like “Ya know what? Nevermind I’m good." To be honest this is the first time I’ve ever said no to free drugs or alcohol.

If you’re reading this, skimming this, acknowledging this.. I truly appreciate it. Thank you for listening to me explain my life story. I just had a breakthrough and had to tell someone. 

- Charles

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Hi, My memory is pretty bad, so I will have to say things in general. I am sorry to hear about all the trouble you have been through with the relationships. I know that they can be very time consuming and draining mentally and physically. It is probably best that you got out of those relationships. They did not sound too healthy. 

 

I am also sorry to hear about your problems with drugs and alcohol. I have never had any major problems with drugs or alcohol, but I know that they can be very difficult to deal with and overcome. 

 

Congrats on saying no to the pills that you talked about at the end of your post. That must have taken so much willpower to say no. I am glad that you are working on getting yourself on the right track. You are so young(I sound so old and I am only 23 xD) and you have a lot of time to get yourself back together again. Each time you say no to alcohol or drugs, you are getting stronger and stronger. You may not see that, but you are. People can still have fun while being sober.

 

Keep up the good work! :) 

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Long blocks of text are difficult to read.  I would also suggest starting a blog and writing information such as the above in your blog.

 

Thanks for the advice, I will keep that in mind in the future.

 

Keep up the good work! :)

 

Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it. Right now I'm in an uphill battle with substance abuse and self harm, but I've made more positive progress than I ever have made in the past.

 

Also, thanks for the comment about having time to get myself back together again - I've really struggled a lot lately with feeling like my future won't be as full as it should be.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I read the whole thing.  Totally awesome that you have come full circle and are focused on healing yourself.  Life is tough, especially when you're young.  It will continue to be tough, there will be challenges and roadblocks, but it seems that you've learned a lot about yourself and these challenges.  Keep it up!

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  • 3 weeks later...

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