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Broke off my engagement, heartbroken, bereft, defeated...help, y'all...


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I haven't the emotional energy to go into great detail...wish I did...the ONLY thing that keeps me from ending it ALL is a spiritual belief is that if you take yourself out, "before your contract is up," you end backup in "spiritual kindergarden" or something like that (I am NOT religious, but VERY spiritual...)  Hope that makes sense...

 

I am SO sick of "normies" walking around with undiagnosed, untreated, unconfronted "issues" that have mine beat by a mile (I am BP2, a few have thought me Borderline[it doesn't run in my family, it gallops...]even if I am, I'm not the kind that screws people over, I ALWAYS GET SCREWED OVER!!!)  Every time I've been hospsitalized, I get (rightly) nailed for caretaking...honest, if I do say so myself, I'm a good and very loving woman...

 

There is more to my story, have been going through the _med-merry-go-round (NOT the cause of my break-up)  No f-ing shrink will take my cr@ppy insurance (I am a former artist on disability for my BP)  I just sure know how to pick 'em  (An abusive NPD "poster boy," a well thought of member of AA [don't get me started on THAT!] that turned out to be a sociopath...)  Yeah, I can pick 'em...

 

I just want to live with a man who loves and adores me (getting the same in return!) in a cabin in the woods with LOTS of animals....right now, my dog, Louis is the only man I can count on...I am broken....so there it is...some kind words would be a balm, peeps...thank you, Lucy

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Lucy, I don't know what else to say but I can relate to every. single. word that you are writing. I want to tell you how very sorry I am, but please know that the next time you get into a relationship, you will know what you don't want anymore. I always try to think of each person as a step up from the last. Just know you are better than what you have had. I know I don't know you, but I know that for sure. As long as you do, too.

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Lol at "spiritual kindergarten"...like we aren't already there, this is exactly what I think of this place (Earth)...I totally feel you...just finally in the last year or so have I truly, truly, realized that suicide really makes no sense...I only really tried seriously once (when I was 17), but I've had a sick habit of fantasizing about it over the years (I'm 49), always in response to the unbelievable ridiculousness I always seem to get caught in...My spectacular 20/20 hindsight has convinced me that I am a chronic codependent/(caretaker!)--yes, I have a ton of animals--all well taken care of, not like a hoarder-- with nearly zero ability to filter toxic people out of my life, which could be used as a script for a soap opera...I seem to attract the worst ticks of the human variety...

At any rate, hang in there...I'm myself teetering on the edge of a divorce from my second husband, who I love very much (and vice versa)..but he is seriously unable to understand what drives him. That results in some really hair-pulling/make me wanna scream behaviors on his part, and fuels my addictive nature and resultant escapism. I KNOW intellectually, that we really need some time away from each other (he agrees, we have very nice conversations about splitting up :/  )...but so far, neither one of us will make a move...it's infuriating... 

 

Hope I'm not talking too much about myself, figure I'd just try to relate...;) 

 

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Dear ((((dances))))  I am sorry to hear of your almost nuptials...I am afraid I am an idiot when it comes to chat (never done it!)  I make up for it by being the slowest "hunter and pecker" in the world...? xo, Lucy

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ahhh, I've never been in chat chat either. for messages, you click on the envelope at the top of the screen, hit create new message, and then type in the recipient's name.

 

not any pressure, just wanted to explain. I'll also keep checking back in periodically, but have to go for now. sorry again. it truly sucks.n

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Lol at "spiritual kindergarten"...like we aren't already there, this is exactly what I think of this place (Earth)...I totally feel you...just finally in the last year or so have I truly, truly, realized that suicide really makes no sense...I only really tried seriously once (when I was 17), but I've had a sick habit of fantasizing about it over the years (I'm 49), always in response to the unbelievable ridiculousness I always seem to get caught in...My spectacular 20/20 hindsight has convinced me that I am a chronic codependent/(caretaker!)--yes, I have a ton of animals--all well taken care of, not like a hoarder-- with nearly zero ability to filter toxic people out of my life, which could be used as a script for a soap opera...I seem to attract the worst ticks of the human variety...

At any rate, hang in there...I'm myself teetering on the edge of a divorce from my second husband, who I love very much (and vice versa)..but he is seriously unable to understand what drives him. That results in some really hair-pulling/make me wanna scream behaviors on his part, and fuels my addictive nature and resultant escapism. I KNOW intellectually, that we really need some time away from each other (he agrees, we have very nice conversations about splitting up :/  )...but so far, neither one of us will make a move...it's infuriating... 

 

Hope I'm not talking too much about myself, figure I'd just try to relate... ;) 

 

You relate QUITE well!!!  AND, you look like a horsewoman as (was) I  (I want a gaited mule at this point in my life..!)  Thank you for your words of understanding, I am sorry for your painful situation, I think those of us "sensitives"/MI are too often prey for the vultures that masquerade as "normal!" Tell me about your animal loves if you will?!  Had a hunter/jumper in high school who was half Morgan, Half Thoroughbred...he was my first boyfriend AND anti-depressant!!!  Lucy 

 

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Panda, I've ALREADY tried to join for free (right from the frying pan, into the fire, I always say...!)  They keep rejecting my VALID email, sent them 2 emails telling them such (which don't even appear in my "sent" box)  Grrrrr...I think they need their meds tweaked...what a rip...no wonder they are underpopulated...all I needed was rejection from THEM, ha!

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Panda, I've ALREADY tried to join for free (right from the frying pan, into the fire, I always say...!)  They keep rejecting my VALID email, sent them 2 emails telling them such (which don't even appear in my "sent" box)  Grrrrr...I think they need their meds tweaked...what a rip...no wonder they are underpopulated...all I needed was rejection from THEM, ha!

 

don't worry.. I joined, and you aren't missing anything (like 13 members online at once)

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I am sorry to hear about your problems. I went through an amazingly bad breakup that tested my sanity a few years back. I had a history of picking abusers and one even ended up in jail for a federal charge...nothing like everyone in town knowing your marriage sucks:) my current husband is wonderful and understands my moods, my meds and my MI. If you need to vent, I am a great listener. Just take this one day at a time. That is the best advice I can give.

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