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Self-harming for control.


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This post might be triggering, I don't think we have to put a trigger warning but I'm going to just to be safe :-)

 

I feel like I'm the only person that Self-harms for control. I feel like I have no control over my life and my body, and so I gain control by choosing what I do to my body. I like that part. Being able to chose, making my own choices. It makes me feel like my body is mine. 

Does anybody else feel like this? I feel so alone in this... 

After I did it for a while I tried to stop, and I couldn't. I felt like my reason wasn't enough of a reason to get help.

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Yes, I have self harmed to feel in control. To feel in control of my life, my emotions, namely my depression. It gave me control over my feelings at the time. Really, I had no control at all though. I'd cut myself up bad and realize what I had done after the fact. That's not control. 

 

You are certainly not alone. 

 

Your reason for self-harming is certainly enough of a reason to get help. Have you tried to get help in the past? Do you have a therapist or a psychiatrist?

 

Would you like us to give you some ideas on how to stop self harming? I really recommend the pinned threads at the top of the forum, especially the "I wanted to self harm today" thread. It is full of ideas on how to stop. 

 

Would you like to talk about why you feel out of control? 

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Yes I have. I felt my life was so out of control and that I couldn't control my illness. It was a horrible place to be in. But like para said it was the opposite of control and all it did was cause physical harm and increase such behaviours because they're wasn't any room for me to develop better coping skills. Wanting to stop is reason enough, I agree you should read the thread that's pinned. I hope you feel better soon and check in to tell us how you're going.

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I have self-harmed to feel in control. That has been one of my main reasons in the past. I felt, and still feel, that my SI is mine all to myself, my own language of establishment and "accomplishment."

What has helped me the most has been finding another thing that makes me feel accomplished and in control of myself. For me, that has been a twofold approach: establishing boundaries with the people in my life, and turning my energies toward jewelry making and beadwork.

You aren't alone. Please keep posting if you want to talk about it.

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Cutting can be an acknowledgement of the mental pain.  It makes a physical artifact of real pain which cannot be seen. If my leg is broken I can see it and so can others. With MI, I'm a 'cripple' but others cannot see the wheelchair as it's in my mind, as I walk, sometimes even jog, so for me cutting is, in part a way for me to conceptualize the mental pain as in I can see it via the cut then scar.  It gives me control and understanding of the mental pain via a physical marker, symptom.  Just my thoughts.

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When I felt so many things in my life were completely out of control is when I found that I self harmed the most. I knew that no matter what was going on that day that once I got home everything would melt away once I did it. It was my thing and only my thing. No one would take it from me and I felt like I could handle everything else in life once I self harmed.

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Yes, definitely. I was bulimic but came to a place where that wasn't working anymore and now cut to have the same feeling of control. It's scary though. Like, if I figure out how to not cut, then what behavior will take its place??

Therapy and persistence have given me replacements for SI that answer all the same things cutting used to. It takes work, but you can choose behavior(s) you want to take the place of SI, and work toward achieving that.

Edited to fix a weird phone hiccup.

Edited by Mim
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Yes, definitely. I was bulimic but came to a place where that wasn't working anymore and now cut to have the same feeling of control. It's scary though. Like, if I figure out how to not cut, then what behavior will take its place??

 

The nice thing is, once I figured out how not to cut, I finally felt more in control. I had quit cutting. which takes courage and strength and self discipline. All that work made me feel more in control of my emotions and more in control of urges. This, in turn gave me the control I needed in my life. Does that make sense?

 

It took a year of work in therapy to gain this feeling of confidence and control. I also think part of quitting cutting is recognizing that sometimes we don't have control over certain situations, and that's okay. We can find alternatives in order to feel stable during chaotic times. 

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