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I feel embarrassed around myself for having been suicidal


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Yes. Around myself, not even other people. 

 

It goes like this, I'll be doing something (totally unrelated) and then I'll remember the fact that I have been suicidal / attempted before and I feel overwhelmingly embarrassed. It's not that I'm depressed thinking about it (that would be too logical), it's more of a matter of fact remembering thing. Just like if I would have remembered the most  humiliating moment of my life. I don't find it embarrassing to say out loud, but when I remember that it actually happened I feel like the biggest loser / fake out. I feel if the thoughts popped into my head today I'd be genuinely surprised, which makes no sense at all really, given the fact I do still have MI and these things can come around again, not to be a total downer. 

 

It's awful, my face goes all red and I pretty much stick my fingers in my ears and go LA LA LA until it goes away. Not even around other people. What is this.

 

I'm so awkward. 

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I look back sometimes, and think "why the hell did I do that"...I had the hottest psychiatrist in inpatient (like model status) and they wrote down that I was guarded when in reality I was just intimidated and their was no way in hell I was going to tell them I was thinking about suicide. But that is why you can't let yourself look back, it just causes you to relive that all over, well if you are like me. However sometimes you should let yourself, think about your dark moments, so you can learn to accept them.

 

I'm usually not awkward at all, I'm actually quite extroverted, but concerning my depression, bipolar disorder, and substance abuse, I'm absolutely terrified of people knowing about it or even viewing myself as mentally ill. I just can't let myself think about it, so I watch movies, exercise, or listen to music to get my mind off of it. If you have an ipod you could play music anytime, those thoughts come up.

 

To wrap it up, you are human...but sometimes repressing your feelings makes it worse. Sometimes repressing negative thoughts just empowers them, so if you've never let yourself think about it, let yourself, just for a bit. When I was down and thinking about the past, I watch this speech at Harvard by JK Rowling.....it is about 20 minutes long, and I realize you may not have the attention span or even the interest but I feel so much better after watching it. She went through a depression, and came out on top.

 

Edited by Forbidden91
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I get scared when I think about my attempts, but mostly the last one (there were 2). It could have been so bad, and obviously my point was to die and get away from all this shit, I was even disappointed when I woke up the next afternoon. But now that I feel better overall, more consistently stable (more or less), it scares me. I do get embarrassed about it though too. I don't like when people (IRL) find out but that rarely happens.

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I've told like three people IRL. I could do that without dying of embarrassment thankfully. It was kinda bad cause each time I got like tsunami worth of concerned faces and awkward hugs. Except when I did tell my new pdoc I laughed a lot when I was saying it and she said that was pretty normal but she made it easy to talk about in a light manner and thanked me for going over it. I know it's a serious subject, but I find theres nothing worse when a professional uses a serious voice and does that agree sound thing *shudder*

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I think it is easier to talk to other people about my suicide attempt and self-harm because I don't go into much (if any) detail.  I can laugh it off and downplay its seriousness as much as I want.  When I think about it on my own, though, I relive every humiliating detail and crazy thought that went into the experience.  And looking back, there were a lot of embarrassing details and crazy thoughts!

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I'm not embarrassed any more.

I try to treat those times with compassion, when I think of them. I was like that for a reason, and the possibility of it happening again is always there.

I hope that you can learn to forgive yourself.

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I don't know that the memories fade, or that it ever really leaves your system. I think that it comes as part of healing and learning self-care, and self-compassion (I'm not at loving self yet).

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I planned a murder suicide once, and it is a long story, but I should have been hospitalized. My pdoc thought this, and almost Baker Acted me. But as I said, long story.

 

So instead, I sat in my room saying, "I don't really want to murder x and kill myself, I'm crazy. I don't really want to murder x and kill myself, I'm crazy" like a mantra.

 

And now I look back at it, and I think WTF? How could that be me? I am embarrassed that I have the capability, to plan a murder/suicide, even purchasing items to further the plan. And that I had to hide in my room, chanting to myself. I think about it a lot, considering it was like 15 years ago. I just cringe, it is horrible, I am ashamed of myself.

 

I have only ever told DH, and the people on CBs (well, and my pdocs). If my family knew who I wanted to murder, it would be a nightmare, so I can't ever tell them. It's humiliating to lose control of myself.

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It still embarrasses me when I think of all the attempts I made, and of the psychotic episodes that led up to them.  I think though it embarrasses me more when I think of the details because now, looking back, I can't believe what I did.  Right now I think, "there is no way I would ever do that now; why would I have done that?"  And then the details come back and I have to distract myself from remembering everything.  I've already learned from what I have done and I've moved on, so when thoughts come back all they do is bother me; I just have to try and think about something else or put music on or something to get my mind thinking in another direction.

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My attempt was almost ten years ago and I'm still ashamed and embarrassed by it sometimes, and feel guilty as hell for what I put my parents through. I waver back and forth about how open I am about it...I feel comfortable telling some people and not others. One thing it did for me was get the idea of suicide out of my system forever...I haven't thought of it as a solution since. I don't know if it was the fact that I failed and realize bumping myself off isn't as easy as I thought it would be, or the fact that it seemed to make my problems worse before they got better, and I really don't want to go through that ever again.

 

Anyway, I have mostly moved on by now. I chalk it up as a bad choice I made when I was doing very poorly, and a learning experience in general. It certainly isn't the only memory I have that makes me cringe - everyone has something in their past the embarrasses them or makes them feel guilty.

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