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Brain won't permit certain thoughts... Textbook OCD, but in reverse?


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Certain topics. Topics that aren't even personal. Mainly "academic" interests of mine – say, linguistics. That's right, I can't think about linguistics. Especially questions that would lead to productive thought – to novel conclusions and stuff like that. Maybe that's what the general pattern is – I can't have any thoughts that could be productive. So I'm basically in total intellectual paralysis.

 

Oh. No, wait, that's nonsense. I can, after all, have certain productive thoughts – I've been doing extensive differential self-diagnosis all the time. I've been raising and getting answers to questions, so I guess that counts as productive. But that's essential to my survival, one could say. Now when it comes to any self-actualization-related thoughts, huh, can't have 'em. And yes, these are the thoughts that happen to make up a large share of my personality.

 

When my train of thought leads to these topics, there's always this feeling of uneasiness, accompanied by an urge (momentary yet successful) to get rid of the thought. Then, of course, I try to force the thought back in – naturally, because it seems like an interesting thought. But again, Brain always meets these attempts with overwhelming resistance. Bummer, huh.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening.

 

Now for the question... well, can any of you relate or point to a medical description of similar symptoms? It does seem like a compulsion, but I've never seen a description of one presenting like this. 

 

(You can really stop reading here.)

 

I guess I'll have to add that I also suffer from very debilitating fatigue (mainly sleepiness), cognitive issues, some affective flattening and, huh, some behavioral regression. My official diagnosis is major depression, but... I don't really have persistent depressive mood or any pronounced anhedonia. So no, it's not simple at all. And then there's the somatic symptoms – headaches, unexplained muscle fatigue, limbs "falling asleep" unusually quickly...

 

I haven't had any significant response to clomipramine (75 mg), venlafaxine (225 mg), sertraline (150 mg) or citalopram (20 mg) – in the reverse order, not all at once. I've taken them (as prescribed) in combinations with various atypical antipsychotics, including risperidone and aripiprazole. I'm curently taking clomipramine and have recently started olanzapine (will eventually reach a dose of 12.5 mg).

 

Oh, and needless to say, all clinical tests are clear. Brain MRI, thyroid panel, Lyme antibodies, ANAs, blood counts and so on.

 

So... thank you in advance.

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