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Relationship with abuser?


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I deleted my post, out of respect, but I'm definitely not judging you, just confused. It is a tough situation all around, and I just hope you can get past this. Whatever you do good luck, and I don't think you are a troll, Brian just thinks that because it is a common fantasy, and most people assume you are lying. This is actually a lot of people feel guilty about revealing these types of things because they feel that they will be told they are lying.

Edited by Forbidden91
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'Is that stupid? Am I making excuses for him?'

 

I don't read blogs so I am unaware of the rest of this in your blog.

 

Yes that is stupid.  You are making excuses for him.  You are also making excuses for yourself.

 

'He's into drugs, occasionally. Not long after I moved in with him, I started getting stoned with him, and a few times we ended up having sex.'

 

'The other thing I wonder is whether it's okay to still want to have contact with him and maintain a relationship.'

 

Do you really think that the sex won't happen again?  Do you really think that the drug abuse won't happen again?

 

Maintain WHAT relationship with him?  A get high and have sex relationship?

 

Your father isn't the problem at this very present time - it's you, your grief from the suicide and your loneliness.  If any father does this to his child of any age he should be drawn and quartered.  Deal with you first and then deal with 'dad'.  You need to tell your therapist for your own mental health and also  ask your therapist to point you in the direction of law enforcement.  Do you really think your dad won't do this again to another teen?

 

Incest is a serious issue and you need help and your 'dad' needs a police officer in his face. 

 

Try to find a survivor of suicide support group.  Ask your therapist if s/he knows of any. 

 

Drug abuse and incest are NOT healthy coping mechanisms.  Both will only make things worse. 

 

Move out, stay away from him and never go back.  He is a sexual predator and needs involvement in the criminal justice system.

 

Take care.

 

 

 

'

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Coffeetime, you have earned the ignore feature with me.  You post seeking direction and such and then delete it, wow, you are so very sincere.  If you did not want honest feedback you should not have posted!  I won't tell you what I think you want to hear.  I will respond with MY thoughts which you have a right to ignore as everyone here does. 

 

You post of grief over the suicide of your boyfriend, your seductive biological father you haven't seen in years and him getting you high and then having sex with you....  and then ask for thoughts and don't like the thoughts and delete your post.

 

Ok, more thoughts..............  since you deleted the post, why not!

 

Your post was suspect to me from the get go......  but because this is a community of those living with mental illness I took it as is but since you deleted it I'll tell you that my initial thought of your post was you were voyering a father-son incest fantasy.   You and I both know your post reeked and was almost verbatim of some 'daddy' sites of written fantasy........... 

 

Ok, I'll stop now as I think you got my message loud and clear.  IF your post was real get help for yourself.  If it was voyering a 'daddy' fantasy don't ever do it again here. 

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Yikes. That is the exact response I was trying to avoid. I posted asking for advice, yeah, but I felt attacked and freaked out, and it really seemed like I upset both you guys. I felt bad about it. So, I apologize. I've talked about it in therapy only. I felt relatively safe opening up here anonymously, but when I saw the responses I got kind of triggered and deleted it. I shouldn't have backed off, you're right.

 

So let me explain a little. My mom and her boyfriend both beat the shit out of me. I was taught that if I wanted anything, even basic stuff, I had to earn it and be damned grateful for it. So when I moved in with my father, that was totally reversed until I fucked up and got stoned with him. I blamed myself for the sex as much as or more than him because I let it happen. It felt like I kind of "owed" it to him for putting up with me and helping me out, so I went with it. I fucked up majorly, I acknowledge that. I was depressed and messed up and I had no business crossing that line. Half of the responsibility lies with me.

 

It happened almost seven years ago, and not since then. I never reported it because I didn't think anyone would believe me. He apologized, and as far as I know he doesn't do the hard shit anymore. Weed occasionally, but I don't touch it. Not that it's relevant to the subject of the post, or that it lets either of us off the hook.

 

I do have help. It was my therapist who recommended that I join a few support groups and try to talk about it so I could see this from an outside perspective. I've worked through the suicide, and I'm working on the trauma, but this is still on my mind a lot of the time, mostly because he's tried so hard to help me out since then.

 

That's it. I've defended myself as much as I intend to. I'd still like this thread to be locked though if I could. I'm double uncomfortable for posting this now that I've been accused of being a troll.

Edited by Coffeetime
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The original question was whether it's stupid, or making excuses, to want to still have some sort of family relationship with my father after what happened. I know that what happened was jacked up. And I know I own some of the responsibility because it happened more than once. But since it happened he's changed the people he spends time with and the way he treats me. It's nice to have a parent who takes an interest in me as a person and tries to help me out to such an extent that he's made an effort to change.

 

I don't know if I'm comfortable with talking about it now. I'm sorry.

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Hi.

I am an incest survivor. I almost never say that.

I know how hard it is to talk about these things. OP I want you to feel cared for and to be heard. How can we do that for you?

 

I'm sorry about what happened to you. :( It is hard to talk about.

 

Thanks a lot for being nice about it. That's a big deal to me.

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Coffeetime, I'm sorry that your original post was not met with compassion so much so that you felt the need to delete it.

 

Sexual abuse of a kid by a parent is *never* the fault or responsibility of the kid in question.

 

There are so many power, emotional, and relational dynamics that get so easily confused when one is sexually abused by a parent. It is not your fault. I disagree that half the responsibility lies with you. There would not have "been sex" if your dad was following basic respect for his kid. NOBODY EVER OWES ANYONE SEX FOR ANYTHING. EVER. Sex is based on mutual consent, not coercion or manipulation by guilt or other strong emotions... Especially since you came from a physically and emotionally abusive house before that, it would be very easy for your dad to misuse your desire for love and caring.

 

There are also a lot of conflicting emotions for adults who were sexually abused by parents when younger. Including the question it sounds like you are facing now of what kind of relationship, if any, are you going to have with your father. It sounds like he is making some efforts to do things differently. Has he ever sought sex offender treatment? That would be a sign to me that he understands the gravity of what happened, that it was wrong, and that he is truly making efforts to change.

 

It sounds like your tdoc is giving you good advice... to find a support group. You don't have to talk at first. You could just listen. And see what happens.

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Mackenzie Phillips, actress and daughter of John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas (way before your time) has written a biography High On Arrival which details her incestuous relationship with her father.  She is a survivor of incest and she has talked about it publicly on a number of talk shows.  I think it would interest you. 

 

I agree with Wooster.  Ms. Phillips examines the word 'consenual'.  Your relationship with your father was not consensual.  You were not of age to consent, and even if you were 18 the power dynamic is inequitable.  It is a horror and he deserves prosecution.

 

Mackenzie Phillips wrote:

 "As I was writing the book, I thought, this word, it kept sitting wrong with me. But I used it for lack of a better word. Since then, I've been schooled by thousands of incest survivors all across the world that there really is no such thing as consensual incest due to the inherent power a parent has over a child. So, I wouldn't necessarily call it a consensual relationship at this time."  [

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Hi, Wooster and BPladybug. Thanks for the replies.

 

 

There are so many power, emotional, and relational dynamics that get so easily confused when one is sexually abused by a parent. It is not your fault. I disagree that half the responsibility lies with you. There would not have "been sex" if your dad was following basic respect for his kid. NOBODY EVER OWES ANYONE SEX FOR ANYTHING. EVER. Sex is based on mutual consent, not coercion or manipulation by guilt or other strong emotions... Especially since you came from a physically and emotionally abusive house before that, it would be very easy for your dad to misuse your desire for love and caring.

 

The guilt is the hardest thing for me to work with. I'm trying to unlearn the way I accept fault and reason my way into blaming myself for when things go wrong. I know that what you said there is true. If someone else were telling this to me, I'd tell them the same thing. But then somehow, when I'm in the moment I still put blame on myself. My therapist talks to me about this often. It's a central theme in our appointments. I've been told not to be discouraged though, because it's something that we can change.

 

 

 It sounds like he is making some efforts to do things differently. Has he ever sought sex offender treatment? That would be a sign to me that he understands the gravity of what happened, that it was wrong, and that he is truly making efforts to change.

 

I don't know if he's been in sex offender treatment, but I know he sees his own therapist every week. He's talked to me about what happened, especially asking for my side of it. It upsets him, so I'm pretty sure he's trying to work on his end of it. I still don't trust him totally, but it doesn't feel fake to me. My judgment is kind of colored though I think. I want it to be a real effort, because I want to be able to have some kind of at least a friendship. That's why I'm kind of torn about whether I'm being realistic or not, you know?

 

Mackenzie Phillips, actress and daughter of John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas (way before your time) has written a biography High On Arrival which details her incestuous relationship with her father.  She is a survivor of incest and she has talked about it publicly on a number of talk shows.  I think it would interest you. 

 

:) They're before my time, maybe, but I like the Mamas and the Papas. "Dream a Little Dream of Me" is a cool song. There used to be a mostly 50s and 60s station on the radio where I grew up that I listened to.

 

Anyway, thank you for the book recommendation. I get a lot of miles out of my library card. When I go to return the books I have out, I'll see if the library here has a copy of it I could borrow.

 

I appreciate you all for reaching out. It means a lot.

Edited by Coffeetime
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