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Taking care of a "little"

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Those of you who maybe have read our blog know that we have welcomed a 13ish year old boy named Vår into our lives, it is not that we did not know about him, more that we were unsure if he was real or perhaps even denial mostly on Aau's part, no offense to Aau.


It took a lot of arguing to finally just let the little one surface and now he is settling in well but he is having issues coping with adulthood, job stuff, and sort of no longer really having the oppurtunity to be 13. 


Of course he will need to learn to blend with us when out in public and working if he has anything he wants to say. So far he only feels comfortable with fiancé (Sanok, who is a member on the forum) and a close friend who does not know about us and likely never will. Probably because people read a psych book and think they know everything about a disorder. See sybil once you have seen it all right? 


Anyway, sarcasm aside, we are looking for ways to make him happier and sort of see him as our kid of sorts and he sees us parents. Someone on another forum suggested perhaps getting him things that kids his age may play with, of course there are ways to do this to make it seem normal since adults, for example, still play with legos and still play computer games.


Any other ideas?



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sounds like you're handling things well!  having something of one's own is really important (like the video games and lego).  it also helped us to set a designated time as "me time" for whoever needs it, or doesn't feel comfortable participating in the grownup world yet.  even setting aside one hour in the evening (or whenever is right for you) made a difference in how important our younger ones felt about being part of our inner family.  teens wanna do what THEY want to do, but within the safety of those who care about them.  especially if they've been inside a long time.  i think all of our teens are pretty much on board with the adults now, because they know their needs will be met, so they don't have to fight with us anymore.  it depends on the person, though.  sometimes what they "need" isn't good for the group, but it sounds like Var (sorry i don't know how to make the proper symbols) has brought forth some healthy, normal needs for his age.  welcome Var!

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Thank you.


I am glad everything is under control on your end.


Can you tell us, is it normal for littles to essentially never really grow up other than learn? 


We do not have a therapist or anything really, told we did not need therapy and so we are learning what we can from these forums. Never been officially diagnosed either.



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yep, we have people who have never aged.  teens, kids, even adults.  they do recognize that our body is middle-aged, but they prefer to remain younger.  we haven't had a problem with that for many years.  initially it caused a lot of fighting.  we adults wanted everybody to grow up as they learned about how our life works today (versus the awfulness of back then).  it took us awhile to back off and let people choose for themselves (i do believe that some of our folks really can't age, no matter how they might try).  so while the smallest among us might not be old enough for school, they at least know things that the most mature four year old doesn't normally grasp.  just by watching us "grownups", they learn how to get by and be safe if they suddenly find themselves alone.


since we have a larger group, the younger folks tend to band together and have someone speak for them if need be.  i think having a trusted inside friend to help out makes a huge difference.


i understand getting more help from forums than in therapy.  we attribute much of our collective growth to talking to other multiples on line.  i'm not sure what we would have done without that.  the pdoc who diagnosed us left within a year of starting therapy, which sucked.  i admire the reasons that he did, though - he refused to disclose confidential information about one of his clients (he only dealt with DID folks) in a court case which would have harmed his patient and set a bad precedent for multiples.

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I'm curious about who would say that you don't need therapy. At the very least it's a good idea to learn some coping skills around lost time, as well as to process what happened, and to make peace with being able to not know, too.


As for managing a thirteen year old (I don't tend to consider tweens littles) I'd say that they need tasks and directions.

Our thirteen year old has a very integral part to play in our system - zie runs messages back and forth (and sometimes people) between subsystems. Zie was born for that role, and will likely do it as long as needed.

Tweens are old enough to act out and to cause real trouble if they don't get what they need. So, what does Var need? Why is Var there? Our Cody, a fourteen year old boy, has a three-headed dog to keep him distracted and out of trouble. He also has a big mountainous range to roam in. If he didn't have such expanse inside he'd take up drinking outside, again. He tends to cause us trouble in the liquour store and on benders unless he's given a lot to do and things to keep him occupied.

It's sort of like using distractions, but ideally healthy and healing distractions, as opposed to just "read this book." But "read this book and do a project on it" is good, too, and definitely has its place.

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Therapists told us we don't need therapy, this has been told to us twice recently by two different individuals including one specialist in DID. This specialist also agrees with the idea of us having DID but did not wish to formally diagnose, more make sure life is going alright and that things are going well.

The reasoning is because we don't lose time, anymore, we've been learning to cope on our own for reasons that involved generally bad decisions and the lowest point in our lives. Some therapy did help along the way but after everything therapists have decided everything that needs to be done comes from within. 

The why could be many things, we have been piecing it together in our own and with help of past therapists to a degree.

Vår thinks he's here because of the fairly blank childhood we had. But not sure. The causation for us could be early on trauma from a hit and run or even a traumatic birth (forced labor, born 2 months premie) but I don't know.


And....we are using the term little because we were not sure how else to phrase it *shrug*. Vår isn't sure what his function here is yet, that's okay, he will figure it out because he wants to. Our setup has rules, each individual is best at certain tasks -- no major decisions will be made without full consent of everyone. Vår also isn't allowed out in public "alone" yet. Although he can be a bit bratty, he is well behaved. 


Some of the things with therapy does also involve full agreement on part of everyone here, some of us are still very wary of what has happened with past psychologists. Perhaps one day we will actually insist on being seen for a while if deemed needed by everyone. 


Frankly, we believe comfort of everyone in the system and furthering our abilities to function both as individuals and as a team matters a lot. 

Hope this explains some of the questions, may have forgotten some of them, it's a bit late.

Thanks for the answers.


Edited by PartyofThree
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