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contemplating suicide again, at a loss of what to do...


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i just made a stupid blog post that explains everything in detail here, and i'm not even sure how to give a short version of it, i'm sorry i am just so jumbled and upset.

 

basically my life is total shit right now because of medication side effects & probably withdrawal from medication as well, nothing i try to do is giving me relief, and i am at the point where i don't feel like i can take anymore and i would rather just die.

 

it's after 8 pm so i can't call my pdoc or tdoc, though i guess there's probably an after hours on-call person but the last time i had an issue they took like two hours to get back to me and that might be too long. my parents are here, but i am done trying to explain how shitty i feel to people who don't get it and i absolutely do not want to go back to the hospital because i know it won't help and i don't think i can take being around anyone right now, let alone people just as or more crazy than me.

 

i have been crying for the last hour, my head is killing me, and i am so deeply unhappy and hopeless that trying just does not feel worth it anymore. i know that i haven't tried nearly every medicine i could, but i am just not that strong to be able to do it again and again, i don't think i could tolerate feeling any worse than i already do and to be honest i don't even have any real reasons to live except to appease other people.

 

i know by posting this, it's like a cry for help, and i guess i do want someone to help but i don't know what to do. i have a feeling that if someone responds to this it's probably going to be telling me to go to the hospital, but i won't do it, i'm sorry i know that's annoying because that's often the best thing to do but the only thing they will do is take away the option to kill myself, which yes is the idea, but i want HELP not a fucking band-aid. i've already been told by an ER doc there is nothing they can give me for these side effects and symptoms and that i just have to put up with it. i CANNOT i just can't!!!

 

it feels like nobody even wants to help me!

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humanoid, i don't know what to say other than hang in there, and we're here for you. I've been there before, so I know there really isn't much else I can say. If you feel like it, you should come into chat. It's a great distraction, if nothing else.

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i'm sorry you are feeling this way, as someone who is always hovering over the edge of suicidal i can feel your pain.

I encourage you to try and hang in there, there is an answer out there somewhere don't give up hope.  I too have had bad reactions from meds.  I know that the withdrawl is a bitch, have you tried taking some bendadryl or something to calm yourself a little.  I know when i was sick from meds taking a normal dose of benadryl took the edge off for me ( i know i'll prolly get yelled at for this as i am not a dr)

 

I don't know what to reccomend for the brain zaps.

 

maybe try and call your pdoc again see if maybe they caqn prescribe something like remeron which is good for anxiety and also according to my pdoc acts like zofran for nauseau.

 

take care of yourself, i'm here in chat and online if you need someone to talk to

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this was me.

I couldn't deal and became a drug addict.

got clean and it returned w a vengeance until psych meds kicked in.

all this you're feeling is normal.our normal.and it fucking sucks.

but it is TEMPORARY.you will feel BETTER soon.it always happens.

hard to believe when MI is kicking your ass.

 

you are helping so many in the same situation just by posting here.

and giving back is what it's all about.

my 2 cents....

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I read your blog too. It's a terrible place to be in, and I'm really sorry you're suffering like this. Medication changes are horrible, and I agree, withdrawal is a bitch. Just dealing with the brain zaps alone is bad enough, let alone all the rest of it. Have you gotten any advice from doctors about something you can do about the nausea, at least, so you aren't having to deal with that? There are a lot of home remedies for nausea, too. Something mild like mint tea might help. I like the sleepytime stuff.

 

Does self soothing work for you? Sometimes if I can at least treat the headache and the physical stuff, just doing something to make myself feel better, even a little, helps me emotionally/mentally too. I know it doesn't help with the suicidal thoughts much, though. Sometimes the only thing I can do is call someone or go be in a place where I can't hurt myself for awhile. Temporary fixes, strung together. I know the frustration of being given a "band-aid." It's especially bad because sometimes that's all there is.

 

Hang in there. It does get better.

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Humanoid, I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. 

 

Can you hang in there until you can call your pdoc/tdoc? Is there a crisis line you can call? Do you feel safe at home? What can we do to help keep you safe at home? Sorry for all the questions. 

 

I know what it's like to feel hopeless and helpless. It's a terrible feeling. I'm sorry the doctor said there was nothing he could do for you, that must have been very hard to hear.

 

It sounds like you really need someone to listen to you right now. We are here for you. 

Edited by Parapluie
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wow. it's as if i've written this post, because i have been there so many times over the last six months.

you really, really need someone qualified to talk to - there's a lot going on here.

when i've had brain zaps - it's just a case of reminding myself that they're temporary, and if you're trying to get off a drug - i find that exercise and drinking lots of water at the very least isn't going to make anything worse.

 

feel free to keep posting here, and to go to chat, and just keep on going until you get help. i know it feels really, really horrible, and that you're in pain right now, but you can deal with this.

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Most of us, if not all, have been in a situation just like yours humanoid. We are fed up with being treatment resistant, we have contemplated suicide, and didn't want to go to some shitty hospital.

We are here to listen and to offer friendly advice when we can.

I hate going to psych wards with every ounce of my body. So I know where you are coming from. I'm not just going to tell you to go to the ER either.

Can you do one thing though? Since it is a new day can you call your pdoc? Please so this.

And check in when you can. We are here for you!

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just letting you all know i'm still alive, thank you for the support. i have a pdoc appt scheduled for monday so i guess i'm going to try to make it through the weekend, though i'm doubtful anything that will produce quick enough relief will be done as i've been told i just have to wait it out...oh well, right?

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Whoever told you there is nothing that can be done is full of shit.

 

Zofran is amazing for nausea, the type that melts on your tongue and works asap. Ask your doc to call some in. Benedryl is the same stuff as Dramamine which they give to stop seasickness. It might help. Sorry, no suggestions for the zaps other than a slower taper, which can totally help.

 

The thing about bipolar is that the swings are temporary. Yes, they can happen again, but the more you dial in meds, the better it gets. Seriously. There was a time when I thought it'd never get better or even if it did, it'd get as bad again. Well, after a few years of med trials later and I have been stable for a few years. Any depression I've had has been mild and tolerable. It just took some time. What you are going through really is temporary. Nothing says it will be as bad again.

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You aren't alone and you don't have to go through this alone. Med side effects are awful and it can take forever to get on the right combo. Can you call a crisis line? You don't have to give out too much information, some are completely anonymous. Or a crisis chat. Or CB chat. 

Try some self soothing techniques. Eat something you really enjoy, sometimes I'll take a hot bath with bubbles or salts. Just be kind to yourself until this gets sorted out. It will get sorted out. 

The hospital can be absolutely overwhelming, I agree. 

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just letting you all know i'm still alive, thank you for the support. i have a pdoc appt scheduled for monday so i guess i'm going to try to make it through the weekend, though i'm doubtful anything that will produce quick enough relief will be done as i've been told i just have to wait it out...oh well, right?

 

How are you doing?

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okay back from the pdoc visit today. only a small change was made, raising the Latuda from 40mg to 80mg with the option to go to 120mg if I feel like i need it by the time i see her next (two weeks from now).

 

i've been doing somewhat better the past couple of days as far as the side effects go...the nausea is not nearly as bad as it was and i'm able to eat pretty normally again. i still have brain zaps, but only in the morning and not every day; it seems random. latuda is giving me some side effects itself (overheating, and feeling very light-headed, dizzy, and weak), but they are bearable right now and not at all like the geodon was doing to me. my sleep is still crappy, but this is pretty much a norm for me and has been for years, so i'm used to that i guess. at least i'm getting sleep at all, unlike the nights spent awake from geodon.

 

i raise the lamictal to 50mg on wednesday, so i'm no where near being at the target (150mg i think) dose yet, but i said i would give it a chance to see if it works. only thing is i've developed a rash that may or may not be the medicine's fault, so she wants me to go to the dermatologist and have it checked out just in case. i'm also going to my general doctor on the advice of my therapist to check and see if the lyme disease i had last year is gone as it can have a lot of effect on mood as well as cause a lot of fatigue (i took a course of antibiotics but forgot to go back for the test to see if it'd been taken care of...so hopefully i didn't make a huge mistake.)

 

while i still feel some level of shitty, i think i can manage it enough for now. i think some things i'm just going to have to put up with and hope they go away eventually. i'm doing my best to distract from all the physical things going on, though my poor mood is harder to handle.

 

thank you all for posting and supporting me, i appreciate it. i think i just had a moment where it all felt like too much and i wanted to give up. for now, i think i can keep going at it, one minute at a time. one of the hardest things about BP for me is realizing that the swings are temporary, though i always have the "it'll come back eventually" hanging over my head that i haven't been able to accept.

 

tomorrow i have my first volunteer shift at the SPCA and i hope it will take my mind off of what's going on with me.

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