Jump to content

Breakthrough


Recommended Posts

Trigger Warning

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

Well, I'm back. I've posted previously about my addiction to sexual masochism, and I remained clean for three years. About five months ago, I joined a fetish website and within a week found someone to hurt me. I broke up with him after two weeks because I thought he was a dangerous person. He always talked about getting revenge on his exes, and he truly had no empathy. He lied about everything from his age to his last name to how many girls he was seeing. There was just no trust there. The problem was that he became obsessed with me, and we couldn't just have 'play time' without him becoming attached. He was incredibly emotionally unstable, and I believe he is someone between socio and psychopathic. (No offense to those that are and are getting help for it.)

I returned to him not even a week later, because my addiction was that strong. He beat me until I told him I loved him. On one occasion, he cut me very badly while we were both intoxicated. I woke up the next morning feeling very weak, stumbled into the bathroom and passed out. Lots of stupid things like this happened. He told me where I lived and who I lived with, and basically I was afraid to leave him. I told him so many times that I didn't love him and I didn't see a future with him, but he never took no for an answer. At that point, I did not romanticize our relationship at all. I came to despise him, and began doing things to protect myself so that I could get out of the situation, such as find out his real name, age, residence, criminal history (assault, false imprisonment, written threats of bodily harm), even took a photo of his truck.

The last time I saw him was two weeks ago. I had managed to avoid him for over a month by making excuses about being physically ill, et cetera. I was so fed up with him, but he sweet talked me into coming to see him. That night I ended up being tackled like a football player, my knee twisted beneath his weight, and I am still recovering from that. He would not let me leave until about six in the morning.

When I came limping in the door, I lied to my mom about everything. I slept for several hours and kept to myself for days. My aunt came over, and she began talking about her abuse history, which gave me an opening to tell her what was going on. She later told me she knew, and had given me that opportunity. I didn't want to tell my mom because she's already been through so much with me. She's seen me in numerous abusive relationships of my own free will, and I was genuinely afraid she couldn't handle it.

I called him one last time to tell him it was over, but of course, he didn't listen. He screamed at me and told me I had made a total fool of myself that night, then was very sweet to me, then told me he'd been seeing another girl for three years and he recently broke up with her for me.

I felt trapped. I had to tell my mom. I needed help.

That night, the opportunity came. We are very close with our neighbors, and when I walked up to where they were sitting, they were talking about an abusive relationship one of their friends was involved in. Looking back now, I realize they were just giving me an opportunity. I took it. I watched my mom's face literally droop, and her eyes deadened. She took one of the dogs and started crying into her fur.

The whole time I was seeing this guy, thoughts of my mom never left my mind, and how devastated she would be if she found out. That's the power of addiction. And then when I wanted it to be over, I couldn't turn to her.

Luckily, my neighbors were there to take the reigns and put an end to this situation immediately. The wife of the husband said, "Give me his number." So I did. He pretended he couldn't hear her. She laughed at him before he hung up and said, "Bullshit." Then she texted him that if were to ever contact me again, a restraining order would be filed.

I confessed to my neighbors about my masochism, too.

I've told a couple of stories about abusive relationships I've been in here, but I feel so differently about this one for a number of reasons:

1) I was never attached to him emotionally.

2) The only thing stopping me from walking away was fear of retaliation, not my addiction.

3) The moment it was over, I didn't grieve for him. I felt this weight being lifted off of me, and I cannot remember the last time I was this happy and hopeful about my life, and so grateful for every moment and every thing and every person in my life.

This was it. I love myself too much to ever let my addiction rule me ever again. I am free from him, and with that, I am free to be my own, to take every moment and make it mine. I guess I had to fuck up one last time to realize that.

People have seen the difference in my personality. I have become fun and exuberant to talk to, and I love making people laugh and smile. I just feel so alive and free.

I know that an addict is an addict. I remain friends with people in the fetish community, though I am not active in it. I believe that it is possible to have a D/s or S/m relationship that is healthy, because I've seen other people who have that.

BUT!

I have to be my own first, and for a very long time, at that. I have so much to prove to myself. I know that I come first, my health comes first, and I'm a long way from even recognizing a healthy relationship and defining my boundaries and desires therein. I need to be proud of myself and love myself before I will let anybody love me. And when I do get into another relationship, love and respect will be the quantifying principles, not sex, not pain.

I don't regret. I learn. This is what needed to happen. I feel I have truly made a real breakthrough, and I have no one to prove that to but myself. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

good God, I am so sorry you went through this Adia

that was a LOT of abuse in a two week relationship

 

I am so glad you stopped seeing him, and glad you found the strength to confide in family and friends

it took a lot of courage, especially to tell your mom

please stay safe and value yourself, your safety, your wholeness, your beauty,

you deserve to be cherished, not beaten and manipulated

 

Are you in therapy for this?  or a support group?

big problems need professional help, I think

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Bpladybug,

I should've been clearer: I dated him for two weeks, we broke up for a week, then I got back with him for four months.

I'm really doing okay. :)

I am not in a support group or therapy, currently. I don't think I would be willing to see anyone right now because my problem is unique and not relatable. (Which is why I have 27 views and one response!) I went to AA for a while, and did tell my sponsor about my addiction, but she had no advice for me. That's usually how it is. Even going to SA would be a scary situation for me to be in. Besides, I just can't fathom getting help there because they would not treat the issue in its entirety.

Even a battered women's support group would feel wrong to me, as I sought out what they all despise and rightfully so. How could I ever tell them I wanted that, that I did this to myself? For the first time I think I truly understand what these women have been through to some small degree with my recent experience.

Therapy is always hit or miss, and if its hit, then it's usually just hitting on one piece of the problem. I have mostly given up on therapy after seeing 20-something people since the age of 12. Therapists have missed so much when I was growing up, and it hurts to look back and think that they could've told authorities and stopped things. As an adult, I mostly feel ripped off, and sometimes very betrayed. No offense to those of you who have found the right help, I just haven't.

One option I think left available for me to try would be a kink-friendly therapist. They would be more likely to understand my masochistic tendencies, and probably be able to help me differentiate between masochism and abuse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are a very brave person for putting this all out there like that. I am sorry that you have been so hurt. However you have opened my eyes a little and I think I may have a sexual addiction of some kind too. Not as extreme as I believe masochism to be, but I am now scared that what I am donig now  could develop to that.

 

I never saw it as a problem before and just saw it as something I do, but thank you for putting words to what I have been doing as being a problem.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, emack.

I don't know your situation, but I think a lot of fetishes are okay as long as they don't pervade your life in a negative way. Lots of people seem to have no problem with them. Others (like myself) find that it gets out of hand. For me, even one indulgence in my abuse fetish could lead to long term damage. It's a lot like heroin, I guess. You never know which hit will be your last.

I can usually tell by certain things if a man is abusive or a woman is being abused. I'm very honed into it, and I know about the dynamics of it. It arouses me... or at least, it used to.

Being in a situation I honestly didn't want to be a part of changed my views. I noticed this when I saw my friend's husband shove her when he was drunk, and I immediately got in his face and said some explicit things. It was dangerous for me to do so, but I was shocked at my reaction being so immediate and that I was so disgusted. If its not consensual, it's just not okay.

Before I was in this last relationship, I had seen them at gatherings before and I knew he was an abuser. I was actually attracted to him. Now the whole situation makes me ill.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You might be surprised, adianoeta, at just how many ways places like RAINN and local sexual assault/abuse survivor's groups have seen to get rid of the pain.  I know personally off the top of my head at least three other people who play around with consensual non-consent as part of getting over their assaults and two different people (again, this is off the top of my head, less than twenty minutes after I've woken up) who consider themselves masochistic who had serious abuse in their childhoods.  All of those people worry (or have worried, at least occasionally) that their desire is to re-create the abuse.

 

Really try to find a kink friendly therapist, but be open to the idea that you are not that out there, it's just that people don't want to admit it.  Trust me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Saveyoursanity,

I've noticed that pattern, too, from the opposite perspective. It seems a decent number of masochists identify as abuse survivors. I believe that CNC (I'm assuming you are referring to rape play, in this instance) can be a way to feel in control of a trauma where you once were not.

I would be lying if I said that the thought of childhood abuse never crossed my mind. The signs are there and seem to add up, but I have no memories. I realize that at 12 or 13 you cannot give consent, but seeing as I fantasized about such things before engaging in them, I don't tend to view that as 'childhood abuse.' I know realistically I was manipulated, coerced, and taken advantage of, but it was what I wanted. I discovered BDSM when I first had access to the Internet, and was fascinated by it. I began to engage in chat rooms, and then give men my phone number, and eventually would meet them. I was drawn towards it.

I've always gone about getting my fix in the wrong ways, and to this day I don't know what the right way is, so if for no other reason than that I should look into a kink-friendly therapist. I'm sure there are plenty of other reasons I should go, but I am at peace with myself right now. The only reason to drudge up the past would be to identify where I went wrong to ensure I don't make the same mistakes and possibly have a fulfilling relationship with someone who complements that side of me in a healthy way. I imagine it would be different, because he or she would not judge me or tell me my desires are sick and wrong. I don't believe that anymore. I still have hope that I can get it right one day, a long time from now, when I have taken the time to grow into myself.

What I mean by that is that I have been stagnant. I've had a black and white, all or nothing approach that I finally concluded was doing me harm. Since then, I've learned balance and moderation, slow steps to progress, the importance of little victories, and these principles have greatly leveled my emotions and lessened my impulsivity. I feel that after this recent experience, one that I faced with eyes wide open and didn't like what I saw, that this is my time to be my own for awhile. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel, or the slow but steady determination driven by hope and acceptance of myself, that makes me feel like I am going to move forward and truly be happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To clarify something I said that didn't come across very clearly:

I would be lying if I said that the thought of childhood abuse never crossed my mind. The signs are there and seem to add up, but I have no memories. I realize that at 12 or 13 you cannot give consent, but seeing as I fantasized about such things before engaging in them, I don't tend to view that as 'childhood abuse.'

The signs I was referring to without the memories would before the age of 12. That is what I would consider childhood abuse.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...