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Intrusive thoughts


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---------Trigger warning---------

So I'm having a lot of weird thoughts. Thoughts that just come out of nowhere. The weirdest ones lately are very homocidal. They're always very clear images that are played out in my head of killing people around me. Whether its at work with coworkers or just passers by, it's definitely the worst there. It's everywhere though. Grocery stores, mall, anywhere really except my own home. It seems that everyone outside of my wife and daughter, I have these flashes and thoughts of killing them. It's almost like I'm watching myself do these things. That I'm standing where I am and like in a third person view on a game or something, I see myself harming these people.

I've had this before but not quite this strong. That was before I was on medication though. (I was recently diagnosed with bipolar about a month ago. My pdoc is still tweaking my meds a lot. We haven't found anything that really works yet.) But its weird to me that they were gone and came back even stronger while on meds. It's kinda freaking me out. Are these thoughts inescapable? Will this last forever?

I know a lot of people on this forum have a lot of knowledge and experience living with BP so I guess I'm asking for a little advice. How do you flush these thoughts out? What tips do you guys have for distracting your mind when these things appear?

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I get these, but I also think them about my partner and our animals.  Med adjustments help.  If you just got dx'd and are still figuring out meds, it may just be a matter of a different med or dosage change.

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My PDoc finally started me on Lithium a couple weeks back.  The racing/intrusive/obsessive thoughts have all but disappeared.  When I get stressed they come back.

 

People just don't understand how stressful these thoughts are.  Especially at work and when trying to sleep.

 

Let us know how it goes.

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But its weird to me that they were gone and came back even stronger while on meds. It's kinda freaking me out.

 

Sometimes bad thoughts like yours can be side effects of certain medications ... I would call your pdoc to let him/her know. 

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emsed1- yeah they really are. I'll keep everyone posted. I see my tdoc tomorrow as well so maybe she can give me some tips I can share too.

Melissaw72- I didn't even think about that. I figured because they were there before meds that its just not being treated by the meds. I wasn't aware that certain meds could make you have these thoughts. I'll definitely give her a call then.

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I just went through this during a manic episode. I was having many, extreme homicidal thoughts.

 

I got through it by trying to stop the thoughts. I would shout "STOP" inside my head, and that helped a bit. I also made sure that I didn't dwell on them. Sometimes it was difficult to control myself, and I would just allow myself to play out the fantasies, but it never made me feel better. Just remember that you're a good person, and that you wouldn't want to hurt anybody. However, if this gets any worse, and you feel like you might not be able to control the impulse, go to the ER. You'll be safe there.

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I planned a murder/suicide once. I was making plans, and had even purchased "supplies." Something suddenly made me wonder if maybe I was bat shit. I call my pdoc, and he basically said (paraphrasing), "Wow you are really bat shit. That's not good. I'm going out of town for a long weekend, so I can't see you until Tuesday. Good luck." Asshole.

 

Anyway, both my intended victim and I are alive and unscathed. Well, she's unscathed, I'm still a bit scathed.

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Thanks for the support guys. It's been a big help. I met with my tdoc tonight and she seemed to think I was in a pretty severe state given these thoughts and other psychotic "events" going on. She wants me to do outpatient at the hospital where I was first diagnosed. I want to but I don't want to miss work. I'm the sole provider for my family and it would just be so hard. I'm lost as to what to do. Do I go and better myself or stick if out and hope my pdoc can figure out my meds on Wednesday? (I called tonight and she wants me to double my dose) It would save a lot of heartache for my family in the long run if I went but it would also save money and financial stress if I stayed.....so lost as to what to do.

So I ask you all, should I stay or should I go?

Edited by BAM1812
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