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this has never happened to me before


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i've had eating issues since i was 13 or 14, but was only told it was "disordered" last year, and only diagnosed with an actual eating disorder this year. i'm still having a hard time accepting it all. to make matters worse, i gained about 30 lbs in the course of two months this year (unknown reasons though likely meds), so i'm at the highest weight i've ever been. i don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore, and i've gotten to the point where i don't care about my appearance (like wearing clean clothes that match or fit, or doing my hair or make up) anymore either because i think i am just beyond disgusting and why should i even bother.

 

i haven't weighed myself in a couple of months because i know if the number is any higher or even the same as what it was the last time i stepped on the scale, i will likely try to kill myself. according to the BMI scale, i am still technically in a healthy range, though definitely on the higher side (if my weight is the same as last check) but a thirty pound gain in that amount of time has just been too much for me to deal with or accept. 

 

my parents and boyfriend have told me over and over that i am not "fat" and that the gain isn't noticeable (though i'm sure they're lying about that because how can it not be noticeable when i can't fit in the same clothes) and that i'm just overreacting. i've tried my best to trust what they're saying, or at least try to ignore how much i hate myself, but it's been hard.

 

i've been eating pretty normally the past week despite my latest circumstances (med side effects destroying appetite and causing a lot of nausea) but after what happened to me last night, it's going to be a hell of a lot harder to put anything in my mouth. let me tell you about last night.

 

i was at the grocery store with my boyfriend, and as we were checking out, the cashier points at me and says "congrats!" for a moment, i'm really confused and say "huh?" but then it hits me. she thinks i'm pregnant.

 

she gets a little flustered and says sorry then quickly makes small talk to cover up what she'd just done, and i don't say anything else about it, but wow. i am totally devastated. i have never had that happen to me before, being that i've gone most of my life being either underweight or on the lower side of the healthy range, and it's honestly quite shocking. my boyfriend told me i was being silly to be upset about that, but i think if someone essentially told him he was fat, he wouldn't like it any better.

 

now i'm just kind of numb...i haven't gotten visibly upset, haven't cried or anything, but now that i'm sitting here typing this, i want to. i feel so embarrassed that i've let myself get to the point that i look fucking pregnant to strangers. i feel like the people who are supposed to be honest with me have been lying to me. i guess i can't blame them, but this hurts so bad. i feel like i don't ever want to leave my house again, and if i have to, i'm not going out in anything less than a tent. 

 

am i overreacting? i don't know, i just literally feel so ashamed of myself that it's almost unbearable. all of my self-worth has been tied up into what i look like for so long and now i feel like i'm worth nothing. 

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I have had people ask me when I was due, and it is HORRIBLE.  I've lost weight, and someone at work commented that I'd lost the baby weight, and I had to say that I hadn't had a baby. 

 

You are NOT worth any less just because you've gained weight.  I know it feels like that, but that is your disordered thinking talking, not reality. 

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I'm sorry that happened.  I know what it feels like too.  I've had the same thing asked to me, "You're expecting, right?"  And I said no, and as she said "oh" she had this weird look on her face like I was lying or something, that it didn't make sense, then looked down and continued the order.

 

It really does suck.

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Omg, I had a similar thing happen to me recently.  I have gained a lot of weight due to meds, and it has affected my self esteem, but getting asked if I was expecting recently makes me want to start restricting, which I won't but it is a really crappy feeling.  I'm sorry that happened to you. 

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What a rude comment! No one is allowed to comment on any one else's body unless it's a doctor-patient relationship, and even then it's a dicey subject. Ever. Talk about social transgressions. Sheesh!

 

This is my worst fear. I started restricting because I was worried that I was pregnant, and I figured that if I starved it would go away (I wasn't really old enough to have a grasp on biology. I understand better now). I also have one of those body types that, when I gain weight, it goes, directly to my stomach first. So, I do end up with thinner arms and legs and a big round tummy. Thankfully, since I look about eighteen, I still get pitying looks and I've gotten a few "there are places that you can go..." from well-meaning strangers. But that's still really difficult to hear.

 

I hope that you can find other things to determine your worth. We are all so much more than what we look like. Imagine getting hit by a car, and then your body doesn't work any more. That doesn't mean that your life is over. It just means that the focus changes. How are you doing now? Are you still numb?

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Thanks for the support everyone. This week has been hard as far as eating. I'm eating very sporadically, no full meals...I'm feeling sick all over, and just generally shitty because of a lot of things, not just the pregnant comment. I guess that was kind of the icing on the crappy cake because things have been bad for weeks now.

 

I know I need to work on finding worth in my self for other things. It just sucks because I have to accept that I'm probably not going to get back to where I was before the weight gain and I'm just going to have to deal with how I look now.

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It just sucks because I have to accept that I'm probably not going to get back to where I was before the weight gain and I'm just going to have to deal with how I look now.

 

Loving your body as it is now with all the warts and flabbiness is a great idea. You have no idea what will happen in the future. Your body might shrink some or gain a bump here and there.   Our bodies are ourselves and deserve our care and nurturing. You look beautiful I am sure.  Eating healthy and exercising is the most important. Throw out the scale.

 

I congratulated an acquaintance of mine once on her pregnancy. She was and is a skinny tall gal, always very physically fit, it just was where her weight gathered that year, and she had a child a year or two before so I thought....  I was SO embarrassed.  I'll never forget the look on her face.  We were standing in a parking lot exchanging kids in the hot sun.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Humanoid,

I am so sorry that happened to you.I can relate.About a month ago I was in a car mechanic shop having some work done & in walks this guy who I just exchange pleasantries like "hello & how are you" kind of stuff.I've known him for years but I don't even know his name or anything.He asks me if I'm still dating this guy I was dating many years ago.I said no & then he says "what happened?"

I was thinking I don't care to discuss this in a waiting room of a car shop while we are practically shouting across the room at each other cause its a big room & crowded with lots of other people.I just said"oh-it just didn't work out"

He said "no, I mean what happened to you? You look much bigger."(he even used his hands to make a gesture suggesting a big curvy woman)I was mortified! Not only did he say this out loud but what was he expecting? Some kind of answer like"oh idk-I'm depressed & hate myself"? My face turned red &I just said "I don't know"

I felt so bad about myself after his comment that I practically starved myself for 10 days & then I decided to eat smarter.I've been on a diet ever since that.Never dieted a day in my life before that.I have managed to lose about 5 lbs but he really hurt my feelings bad.I thought if he notices I've gained weight--everyone probably notices.I felt like everyone knew I am depressed & miserable.I felt like my mask had been pulled off my face or something.It was rude & hurtful but I think I needed a wake up call.Not saying you do-or that a comment like that is ever acceptable...just saying that I can relate & I know how bad it can hurt.Try not to let it get to you too much.That lady was just ignorant.Take care & feel better

Edited by BlurredBoundaries
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