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I'm living in hell & I can't seem to get out....


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Where to start? I'm a bipolar/majorly depressed former heroin addict of five years thats now on methadone maintenance so opioid treatment for the last year or so, I haven't had a real actual hourly paying job in over 2 years. I make money online commissions only and the market that I promote just isn't making shit at all right now.

 

I really screwed up major with drugs and got me and my family evicted out of our apartment some months back. Drugs and my emotional state have ruined my life and put my family in jeopardy. My family is everything to me. They are my heart & soul. I have been in tears every single night about our current situation I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so down in the dumps Ive been thinking about suicide but when I hold my littlest baby boy the thoughts disappear. I'm just alone a lot of the time now and its not doing me any good. We have three children. A 4 year old daughter, a 1 year old son who is about to turn 2 & our little runt nearly, a beautiful 3 month old boy.

 

Currently I am staying out of hotels. I live from hotel to hotel spending anywhere from $40-70 a night My girlfriend is staying on and off at her mothers house which is killing me. Some nights she'll stay with me and some days we take turns with the kids. I've applied at different places for a job, but I currently am on probation for a five year deferred none violent drug charge I got 2 years ago for possession of heroin when I was deepest in my addiction. Ironically enough I was arrested with my best friend. We'd been best pals since we were very young. He was let go, and I was taken to jail. He overdosed the next morning and passed way while I was still in jail & I sunk lower into my addiction and psychological issues. If it wasn't for my girlfriend, the love of my life I would be six feet under right now.

 

So far no places have called back to hire me. Ive called them countless times and nothing, no go. Ive burned bridges with family so I have no places to couch surf to save money instead of spending every penny I have on hotels just to sleep. I have no friends. All the "friends" I had were addicts and once I straightened out I realized they were just people I knew to go get drugs with really. I'm so lost. One of the places I applied hires felons though and I keep telling myself that its because of the way I presented myself during the interview. I had such bad anxiety during that interview that I really fell through during the questioning. They had three separate questionnaire parts of the interview and I got stuck on a couple of the questions & started stuttering and got all hot and sweaty and started getting all shaky. I'm a 24 year old man, father of 3 and this is what I've become? This is where I am? I have no idea what to do. The money I make online is enough to pay for over $1000+ worth of expenses but living in hotels nightly I cant even save a dime weekly. I'm about to just buy a tent and pitch it up outside somewhere everynight so I can just save every penny I make because this is just ridiculous. I cant keep my head above water for a single minute. Anyone ever been in this situation before? I just need someone to talk too.....Someone to relate too......I'm done rambling...:-/

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Also I might add that my girlfriend doesn't just sit around and not help to the current situation. She is a full time student and will be done in about 4 months. She gets aid from school but wont be getting any aid sent until sometime in August and it wont be anything for us to get a headstart or living on. I just wanted to point that out. It will help pay the bills.

 

The point of my thread is just about how horrible my situation is. I make enough money for us to be living in a decent rent home where we are from in Oklahoma City. Over $1k a month. but I'm stuck on the street right now with no friends/relatives that I could stay with in order to save up the funds for 2 weeks to put a deposit & first months rent down on a place so I'm sort of stuck in this limbo cycle of constantly having to give money to these shitty ass hotels and my girl & kids are stuck at her fucking mothers place and her parents dont understand how i cant get a grip on reality. They think I'm a weak coward. All of this is just causing more and more burden on my current emotional state. I've been holding up fairly decent for the last several months but I feel a point break coming on if something doesn't give. The last few job apps being in decline for me really hit my self esteem hard and I'm used to running to narcotics to fix that emotional pain but I'm trying to stay strong because I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm tired of doing it that way. 

 

I might mention that I am on medicaid. and I'm currently just on Methadone. I was on Xanax but I detoxed from it because I didnt want to fall asleep one night mixing the two and not wake up. I take Gabapentin for migraines I have not been on an SSRI in quite some time and I think I may need to before I explode, I just dont know if I want to go back to that route again. 

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Cherish the joy you have with your children. I'm fighting for every minute I can to be with my daughter (different circumstances than yours).

 

It's excellent that you have medicaid. What was your past experience with a SSRI? Is there a community health clinic you can go to and talk to a pdoc about it?

 

You can stay strong. It sounds like you have a lovely and helpful girlfriend. As well as 3 precious children who need you.

 

Have you applied for ssi or ssdi? As well as any housing places like section 8? I know the housing story too well but at least Im on the list if you kwim.

 

db

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Oh but I'm only able to show part of the story..........My girlfriend is losing faith in my day by day. I feel I am showing weakness as the days go by and slowly but surely she is going to fall out of love with me if something doesn't budge. I told her I'm going to just hop on into a tent an make do but idk. I'm just so stressed out. I worry every day that shes going to get fed up I'm not mr money bags with a grand job to provide and leave me, she says she loves me so and not to worry but I still do.

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Have you checked at social services to see if they have any programs to help you find a job?  Also, any housing assistance?  It sounds like you are in a really rough position, and I hope things get better for you. 

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