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Wonder Woman vs. Super Sloth...


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***WARNING: The following post may include language unsuitable for...um...well, shit - anyone who doesn't waht to hear me whine. Reader discretion is advised.

My adult life, until recently, has been spent thusly:

See immediate challenge, conquer said challenge swiftly, thoroughly and with considerable elan, feel great for a bit, bask in the glow of admirations, lulled by oohss and aahs from the crowd - then take a break, spiral into boredom, languish messily and purposelessly for a short while until another similar challenge arises, then conquer said new challenge similarly....and so on.

My husband calles me "Instant Expert", and in so many instances this has been true - at least enough to master whatever particulars were in need of mastering. I never thought twice about whether I could do it or not - I just felt like doing it and always mangaged to, no matter what I didn't know going in. I just looked for the answers until I found them, and I always did.

Despite the fact that I have never settled on one path for very long (hopping around in such disparate landscapes as IT, Behavioral Psych, Graphic Design (current), Property Management, Music (though this stays somewhat constant) - always doing well until the system was built/project completed and running smoothly) being so project-driven and all, I was, for the better part of twenty years, very happy with that way of life - always knowing that a new challenge would come along and I'd be really thrilled to have it. I knew I'd sink my teeth in, find it delicious, and clean the plate with gusto - then, of course, go lay on the couch to digest for a while before getting geared to do it all again, somewhere else, with a whole new list of discoveries to make. Only personal relationships stayed constant (and still do, even under very adverse consitions)

NOT SO ANYMORE.

Been through a buncha-buncha crap in the last five years, during which time I have lost all ambition and capacity for getting excited about the next new thing. Now I feel only dread.

I'm in a situation right now where I am in a perfect postion to combine previously acquired skills, learn new ones, apply them all with a good little team and create what could be a lucrative and rewarding business. In fact, I'm kinda getting caught up in TWO such endeavors, bnelieve it or not (the first one is just nearer its readiness).

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i am 25, i don't think of that as approaching middle age, so you can rule out the age thing. ;)

all i can say is i'm right there with ya.

with me, i wonder if it isn't that i've failed so much (i'm also a perfectionist so "failure" may be taking it a bit too far, but anyway...) that i'm now permanently afraid to make a committment to something i'm passionate about because i'm afraid i will fail.  again.

i will fail it (whatever it is, right now it's grad school for me), i will fail myself, i will disappoint yet again...

i don't have an answer, but you are far from alone.

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Thanks bella and AirMarshall....

Nice not to be lonely.

AirMarshall - the BP angle has been considered, but doesn't seem to make sense because I never inexplicably give up/get depressed - I just plateau at a cetain level of bootstraps success, then I get  - well - just bored. I guess I'm sort of binary: Focused/NOt, Interested/Not.

Events can cause my mood to change, but my moods are never inappropriate to the events - does that make sense? My understanding of BP (and BP persons I've known up close) give me the sense that the ambition spikes are highly personal and dogmatic (MUST GET THIS DONE RIGHT NOW NO MATTER WHAT THE LIMITATIONS OF THE SYSTEM) - where I remain flexible, objective - and very economic about it - always looking for an alternate that is feasible yet effective - does this make sense? My impression is of BP (my husband will tell you that I am frustratingly measured musch of the time) is one of binges and impulsiveness without consideration of immediate realities. A spending spree for me is 30.00 at the thrift store....

I guess I'm still open to that idea, but skeptical - as in my marriage, I am the stable mood person - hubby is a walking/talking mood swing (maybe I'm just exhausted?). Perhaps I just look non-bp by comparison. Hard to say, since there's no definitive diagnostic tool on the order of MRIs and bloodwork...

In early adulthood, I had the great fortune of falling into the hands of competent and benevolent behaviorists who just  - well - knew what to do with me. they had a certain genius for spotting what I could do - and more importantly, could pinpoint when I became bored with my achievement du jour. When that time came, they simply offered me a new position and a raise. I never asked for any of it -  and would not know how to do that today.

I just want to do suff - explore - learn - fuck the money, fuck the status - in fact - stauts is a hardship for me because it requires that I go out and - hell, be somebody, I guess. Which makes me impatient and irritable. I don't want to talk about stuff and sell stuf, I want to do stuff and make stuff, by damn.

Sheesh - but so thank you for reading my vents...

pigs

(nice to meet you bella and good to see you again AirMarshall)

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You know, sometimes I hate reading posts that hold up a mirror in front of my face. ;)

A friend once characterized the anxiety/enthusiasm levels during times of

cycling stress/"normalcy" of "most people", our supervisor, and me as:

Normal:

                ---/\---

          ----/          \ ----                            -----/\---\

  ---/                        \            -------/            ---\

--/                                ----------/                                -------

======= baseline ===================================================================

Our supervisor:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

======== baseline ==================================================================

Me:

                        |  (ah fukit) 

                        |   

                        |   

                        |   

                        |   

                        |                 

--------------------------| |---------------------------------------------

======== baseline ==================================================================

At the time it was humorous. Accurate, admittedly, but at least humorous.

Yeah, it does get old after a while.

(BTW, we still haven't decided whether the tunnel is being dug to China,

Argentina, or maybe Canada by way of Antartica)

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(BTW, we still haven't decided whether the tunnel is being dug to China,

Argentina, or maybe Canada by way of Antartica)

Hee-hee! I know I started out going to China, but then I kinda thought it would be nice to check out some Penguins on the way, after which I realized I needed to warm up on some balmy shores, so...my guess is all of the above!

On the upside, with such an infrastructure I am ready to rule the world.

pigs

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