i have hated my dad for as long as i can remember. i hate him for many reasons. he has been verbally abusive towards me for my entire life, in the past he has denied that i have any mental illnesses, but now he does believe in them. however, he thinks i am the reason i have mental illnesses. i feel that i can not speak freely when i am around him. i have begun to have violent thoughts whenever i think about him.
I had no idea where to post this, so I posted it here; mods, please move it as you see fit.
Does anyone else experience this? I feel this tugging sensation in my chest, this emptiness and loneliness, all the time. It's a physical sensation, very tangible... It sometimes makes me physically ill. I have to lay in bed for hours at times to recuperate from really bad "episodes" of it. I even feel it, at times, even when I'm around my very best of best of friends, who are actually closer than brothers to me. They are the only ones who can actually somewhat fill that void in my chest, but not always.
I feel isolated and cut off in gatherings of groups of friends or family gatherings, like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't talk much because I feel almost like I'm not part of the group, even with aforementioned close friends there. It's so strange. I have occasionally experienced depersonalization in such situations, which is extremely uncomfortable and alarming, and has triggered panic attacks before, but that's not the reason for the post.
My reason for this post is to ask if anyone else experiences this same constant tugging sensation in the chest, that constant reminder that "you're alone," the feeling of being alone, and this sort of feeling that "you'll always be alone in this world no matter what," even if you have the best friends in the world to accompany you in life...
some background. I grew up poor and most of my memories are from the housing crash of 2008. So i grew up eating meager meals in a crappy neighborhood and wearing clothes until they wore out. After the housing crisis and i was in middleschool my parents got divorced and i lived with my mom. We were even more poor, so much so that we couldnt pay utilities sometimes. My dad was so poor that he was homeless for a year and lived with a friend for another year before he got a duplex apartment. Now my mom is married to a rich man with a rich mom and a rich family and im living in a nice middle class house with a middle class zip code. so why do i feel so guilty whenever i get something from my mom or when she buys me things i need? I went school clothes shopping yesterday and i was filled with gut wrenching guilt every time i would look at the prices for my clothes. when my mom said she spent 400 dollars in all for me and my siblings it made me feel even worse. nothing was really expensive by any means but any dollar spent on me makes me feel like im terrible and vain and shouldnt need anything. Even though thats not true. Ive been walking around with one pair of jeans and sneakers with holes in them because im too scared to ask for new ones. it really sucks because my parents are really understanding and great. dose anyone else who grew up poor feel this way? just asking to make sure im not crazy//
Hello everyone! Where to begin...
I've been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with some avoidant traits. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety since elementary school (I am 22 now).
Up til this point, I have been in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and passed around from therapist to therapist. I was heavily self- harming and abusing alcohol and other substances. A few months ago, I was sent to yet another center after a suicide attempt.
Let me tell you, it changed my life. I was introduced to DBT, which has truly saved me. I am finally on the correct medication which has seriously reduced, if not stopped, my horrid intrusive thoughts and paranoia. Before, I was to the point I could hardly get out of bed, and already had to drop out of college and leave my job. Now, I have rediscovered my love for art, I am waitressing (something I would have NEVER thought possible) and- best of all- my relationship with my fiance is SO much better and we are back to planning our wedding.
I am back to seeing a therapist regularly, and she is awesome. I've finally confronted issues with my toxic mother and am opening up about traumatic childhood experiences as well as working through family therapy with my father (and my mother, when he can convince her to join).
The fact is, life is GOOD, I am somewhere I thought I would never be and I am incredibly grateful. I'm back here to recieve support now that I am more stable and moving forward into uncharted territory in my life. Thanks for being here and reading.
Anyone here around the age of 40 and feeling totally isolated because everyone else your age has kids/families? My 20's were so different - you have college, parties, going out, other singles at work to meet and it's still considered OK to live with your parents. Your 30's are a time where you still have opportunities to go out, meet new people, socialize in groups, but people begin to disperse... All of the sudden, when I hit about 37, i looked around and realized all of my friends were having the 2nd kid and they stopped going anywhere (away from their home or mommy groups). They moved far away in the suburbs and stopped replying to any of my emails.
Does anyone here often worry about being old and alone? Parents getting old & having health issues. Your own declining health and no one around to check on you..to call or see you to make sure you are alive? Even though we spend alot of time at work, often people don't really socialize about anything personal, and then everyone goes home to families....I am starting to panic because my parents are both beginning to have severe health issues. I am very emotionally attached to them (they are the only people I have that really understand me, love me and try to help me right now) My parents are all I have.
Who do you talk to other than your spouse? or maybe coworkers? I'm feeling increasingly isolated because everyone I know/meet over the age of 35 is having babies or adding to their tight family unit. And women with families & young kids do not socialize or spend time with people that do not have kids. It's like the "Haves" versus the "Have Nots" I guess I wouldn't care so much if I had a great career or engaging hobbies that I loved. I feel like more than anything I want a few people in my life (in real life) that really know me, understand me and can provide emotional support, maybe some genuine interaction and laughter once in awhile. Who do you have to count on?
I can't seem to generate my own happiness for the life of me. Maybe I'm too needy?