I lost the remaining contact with the persons I knew some years ago because in a crisis I wrote them some stuff that was bottled inside.
Does anyone else lost all their friends because of your illness or since your illness, with a reason or without reason?
And what do you do now?
I ended up trying to leave the store with makeup in my purse. I had money to pay for it. I didn't need it. Had no idea why I did it. LP grabbed me before I even left, held me for 2 hours, had a city cop give me a ticket to appear. I've never done this type of stuff before.
As this is just the cap on top of unusual behavior for me, I went to my GP, who sent me to a Pdoc (I had been without one for like a decade) and he thinks I'm some flavor of Bipolar. Begged family for money to pay a lawyer. I've never been in trouble before so my lawyer is trying to cut a deal to keep this misdemeanor off my record.
My court appearance is next week and I'm terrified. Can anyone tell me what to expect?
Just changed my therapist as the old one moved too far away....across the country, sucks cause I was with her like 14 years. Anyway, to the point, do most people feel kind of like the R.E.M. song "Losing my Religion" where he says "oh no I've said too much I haven't said enough" and by the way I do think this new tdoc is great so far so I don't think it's her really.
I was diagnosed 30 years ago bipolar took all kinds of meds. Drug and alcohol abuse my entire life. Never in one place long enough or clean enough to think not bipolar. I have been mostly clean and around same people 7 years now. Questions led to testing. Told I have avoidance disorder. I stopped meds. Things are scary Dr. Stopped working with me. I have not been without some med. Or drugs for lifetime. I get paranoid and doubt everything. I see councilor but feel like a child all this new stuff and fear no sleep trying to work crying happy opinion on everything friends family myself no idea what I am. Off meds 2 month. Struggling. Not apposed to meds but need time to sort out who I am and what I can handle. Sorry lost right now. Trouble at work had to take off need help
My fingers are aching just writing this. A little voice in my head is screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am and how worthless this is. It's telling me "nothing can help! NO one is going to listen to you anyway, let alone understand you." Every time I try talk to someone is person they just put me down and tell me "It's just a phase" or "don't worry, you are still developing" Like WTF do they mean?!?! You can't tell me how I feel! No one will ever know exactly how I feel! I know that what I'm feeling my friends don't feel. They aren't screaming inside, or have to pretend to be happy just to fit in.
I can't even describe how bad this has gotten. Every year it gets worse. Last week I felt like slamming my against a wall, and peeling the skin off my face because their was this thing that I couldn't understand sitting in my head and feeding me all this shit.
Sometimes I sit and stare out my window and look at people passing by. I try to figure out what's going on in their life. They all seem so fucking happy. Like why does staring at your phone and petting your partners leg make you feel content? Why does love make you happy? It just all seems so fucking stupid to me.
Why are people happy living in a world where you have zero freedom. I would get thrown behind bars if I tried to take the resources that earth gives us. We are controlled by money; a useless material that has no value in the world of survival. I just don't get it.
And love, whats with that. Isn't it just for sex? Aside from sex, how is it any different from hanging outwith your friends? And considering that divorces and break ups are common, what's the point of putting yourself in that much pain?
Anyway I just wanted to vent, because I'm pretty lost right now and don't really know what to do about it.