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Being a Burden


WendigoEater

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Firstly, let me apologize for the length of this post, but I feel it is necessary in order to clarify my situation.

Three years ago I was such a freakin disaster I just couldn't take care of myself.  Couldn't work, couldn't get my shit together, couldn't survive on my own.  My parents offered to have me come home so I could worry about getting better and not worry about paying rent,  bills and, well, life.

I was thinking six months...

Right.

I have finally found meds that seem to be working.  Enough that I can work part time.  I just got accepted for disability and my first cheque will be here in two weeks.  I will be starting a course in a month that will enable me to be my own boss and do something I love.  So things look good there, but...

Six months ago my boyfriend moved here (to Canada) from the States.  He works in web design and hosting and got screwed out of a great job and now is having trouble finding more work.  He just started getting  new contracts.

Trouble is, lately neither he nor I have been able to help my parents financially.  I will soon be able to and so will he, but they are getting upset that we are still here. 

Well, my father is.  He doesn't talk to me and doesn't know or understand anything about my illness.  When he is pissed off he just bitches at my mom and she is caught in the middle.  We tried to talk with him tonight and he just picked up a book in the middle of the conversation and started reading.

I don't want them to have to take care of me.  The biggest stressor in my life right now is that I am a tremendous burden to the family.

I feel humiliated and useless and extremely uncomfortable in my house.  I just want out but it will take a few more months until everything is settled.

My father seems to think it is my boyfriend's job to take care of me.  I don't think it is anyone's responsibility but my own, but that is easier said than done.

I just don't know what to do to make the next few months more tolerable until we move out.  They will be getting money from us but the guilt is driving me mad.  That and the fear something else will happen to lenthen my stay and my stress (like when my bf lost his great contract and our stay was extended).

Has anyone else gone through this?

I don't know what kind of advice anyone could give but I would just like to hear other people's stories and not feel so fucking alone.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I'm afraid I don't. Just try to keep in mind you will be out of there soon, you are doing the best you can and you just can't do anymore than that. Your father will have to get over it.

Please hang in there. Things will probably start to improve when your parents start seeing the cash. I know that sounds terrible but all too often that's how it works. In the meantime, do the best you can to take care of yourself and try not to take all this negativity to heart. You have nothing to feel humiliated about. We ALL need help sometimes. You are not any less worthy a person because you needed your parents' help now. Don't focus on the "what ifs" of what could go wrong or you'll drive yourself nuts. Just take it one day at a time until you're out of there.

Take care,

~Faith

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my dad did many the same thing and i am in a similar situation to u living with mum and dad and they basically take care of me even though i do work emotionally im too screwed to b alone.

my dad did the same thing to me i would try to talk to him and he would just start flicking through the tv channels, so rude and even more hurtful. if he was angry he'd just shut right down and we would walk around on egg shells for weeks.

the only thing i have found that works is sitting down with him occassionaly when i find him in an ok mood (good mood is impossible)and just try to talk to him in a positive way about how he is feeling and what i am trying to do to make my life better. i think so much of the time he feels useless.

i wish i had better advice but my thoughts are with u i hope this works out ...

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chUCKIT

Heh.  I certainly am not mad at you for your response.  It is perfectly logical.  My bf does help out a lot around the house.  I am positive he would get a random crappy job if he weren't american but he is in the process of getting a visa and - get this - to get a visa you need to have a guaranteed job, and to get a job you need a visa.  Neat how that works.  I know he could be doing more to work on that but he is spending most of his time painting the house and gathering and working for the clients he does have. 

You are right, however.  I don't blame my parents in the least for any pissiness they feel about his being here.  Things didn't work out the way we expected and there wasn't much of a backup plan (heh, I had him move here when I was manic and irrational and told him it would all work out - poor bastard didn't know what he was in for).

Thank you all for your replies.  :) I feel better knowing some of you are going through the same thing.

Iona, your dad sounds JUST like mine.  I just loooove that my dad lives behind the great wall of china.  It makes  the visits so much more interesting. ;)

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something popped into my head while reading this, forgive me if it's lame or already being done..

but i wonder if they need subtle little clues that you two (or you) are making plans for the near future (as in three months);

like, i'm thinkin, picking up those renter magazines, or ads in the paper circled and left strategically or whatever. showing that you're looking.

books your boyfriend can read about 'ways to make money under the table' heh.

sometimes it's just abt showing theres action going on. if they think you're just sitting on your asses planning to stay forever, they may be more pissed than if they know you intend and are active in making moves.

pj

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Hee hee, chUCKIT

NO ONE wants to go to the states :)

My parents certainly don't want me going there and my bf has no desire to return.  I have no desire to go.  But I would if he had to return.

I wish my dad did have friends.  He has none. NONE!  Not really.  He is a recovering alcoholic, possibly OCD and some kind of depressive.  Very reclusive.  Impossible to reach.  Very sad.  I have tried to discuss the possiblilty that he could be helped by treatment (what with the whole genetic factor) but he brushes it off.

I don't have too many friends around either, so we are pretty screwed for connections.

There are drawbacks to being a hermit. ;)

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