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ANYBODY WITH BIPOLAR WANT TO SHARE?

 

This is a place to share something you feel like sharing when you do not want to open a thread or post in an existing thread.

 

This thread does not have a topic. You can share about anything you want (just follow CB Terms).

 

The next person's share can be on a completely different topic. It does not necessarily need to relate to the previous share(s).

 

The purpose of the thread is be heard and to give support and encouragement to others.

So what would you like to share?

Edited by MiaB
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I start school today! ?? After a very, very long break from any kind of actual schooling, I am going back to school this morning. My first class starts at 11:45, the second not until 5:00 pm. It'

I feel really mentally well these days. I can honestly say I feel happy (not pathologically happy) for the first time in a long time. I hope it continues!

I was just told that whatever meds I was on for the past two months, they were WORKING and I should have stuck with them because I've never seemed so happy and animated. I was uncomfortably manic that

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I left my wallet in my parents' car the other day, so atm I have no ID, no credit cards, no food stamp card, no bank card, no cash, no stamps ... on me.  And I can't write a check (other than rent) places because they require ID to write one.

 

This really sucks.  I am stressed out because I always have my wallet with me.  I can't do much without it.  I'll get it back tomorrow, which can not come soon enough.

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Sometimes I believe my bf takes advantage of me.  I tend to be too nice and find myself being treated like a doormat.  My son left home last year and now I have an empty nest syndrome.   

 

Since meeting my bf, I realize I'm spoiling him like I did my son; I make bf breakfast and serve it to him, accept small tokens with too much enthusiasm, and don't say anything about us stop going out to dinner and movies dates. 

 

I don't like feeling used and taking advantage of.  I'm seriously considering asking for a break so I can think more clearly about our relationship,

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I was just told that whatever meds I was on for the past two months, they were WORKING and I should have stuck with them because I've never seemed so happy and animated. I was uncomfortably manic that entire time. Granted, this was coming from a person who didn't see the not sleeping thing, the yelling, random fits of crying and other generally ODD things I was doing in this time frame.

 

And it was. It was pretty much two months of that shit. The medication probably MADE me manic.

 

I hate when people think that I'm actually doing really well and that I'm pretty sane when I feel REALLY off. I guess hypomania can appear that way to outsiders. I can't blame them for not knowing, but I don't LIKE that. For people to be like "oh stay on those meds, you were GREAT" just bugs me. And people LIKING the way I am while hypo over the way I am normally pisses me off too. Because that's not me and I then feel like I'm doing something wrong being calm and pretty chilled out.

 

I know they aren't like "BE UNCOMFORTABLE SO I LIKE YOU" but it sorta feels that way. . . 

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I was manic for the past 2 months or so and didn't realize it. My girlfriend and I were always arguing and fighting a lot, and she told me time and time again that I was really mean. She took away my debit card (my only source of $$) so I couldn't buy anything because I was out of control.. she said I would talk a lot and had trouble sleeping. I was outright obnoxious a few weekends ago at her aunt's house. I can't believe I didn't see it. 

 

I went to the Pdoc and he told me to start taking my risperdal again but it gave me side effects I couldn't stand after about 3 days so I had to have him call in some Abilify instead. I'm sleepier now and feel almost like my train was running super fast and now everything is slow like molasses. But I never noticed everything was fast. Not at all. I had no idea. I didn't know I had racing thoughts and stupid crazy ideas about things. 

 

And its not like I'm new at this.. been diagnosed for 7 years now. SIGH.

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What are the advantages and disadvantages in telling family and SO's about your MI?   

I battle with this question and haven't yet decided just how much to share with others.  One thought that came to mind was the reality of ppl using the MI against me.    Or, perhaps, not believing you when you let them know your dx and med. regimen.

 

It's a concern for me and I wonder if it's  a concern for others.  

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I just found out the amazon order has been shipped UPS (not through the post office like it usually is) which means I need to be home every day from this Thursday to Sept 3 (whatever day that is), or until it arrives -- which could even be earlier, seeing it was shipped today. 

 

And, there is no tracking information available so I really have no idea when it will come.

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I am seeing someone who is in rehab and it makes me wonder if I have self esteem issues. I don't know if it's to do with being bipolar or not but I have always had relationships with people who were bipolar or on the spectrum or with addiction problems or both. I feel like I'll never be good enough to get someone normal even though I know I'm a good person with a lot to give. I come wirh more baggage than most and my brain is prone to break down. I think I use bipolar as an excuse for not putting any effort into finding someone who might be worth it.

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What are the advantages and disadvantages in telling family and SO's about your MI?   

I battle with this question and haven't yet decided just how much to share with others.  One thought that came to mind was the reality of ppl using the MI against me.    Or, perhaps, not believing you when you let them know your dx and med. regimen.

 

It's a concern for me and I wonder if it's  a concern for others.  

Good question.  My family lives almost 1000 miles away - as in my siblings and my parents. I have a brother with Bipolar, but he is currently not talking to any of the family and is unmedicated. His life is messy right now.  My family sticks their head in the sand.  They never ask me how therapy is going, about my meds, about my diagnosis.  None of it. Nothing.  They will ask how other difficult things are going on in my house, but they never, ever broach the topic.  Ever.  I try to bring it up every once in awhile on the phone, but it is very, very uncomfortable and awkward.  My mom's theory is that I just need to think pretty thoughts. She did lay into me one time for taking all of the drugs I was taking.  In her words, " Don't you worry what it is doing to your body?  Don't you worry that it might affect your life - longevity, shorten it?"  I yelled back. "Mom, if I wasn't taking these drugs, it is highly likely I would have made several serious attempts by now or be dead!"  It shut her down.

 

So to answer your question.  I don't open up.  Very rarely.  I opened up to one person this summer.  They were interested, kept asking questions and at the end said, "Thanks for sharing. Don't worry I won't go running when I see you coming next time."  We both laughed.

 

Other than that, I just sit on it.

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Thanks for your post Frenetic47.  It would be nice if you had a better support system in place. I hope you continue to do well and to take care of yourself.  

 

My parents know about my dx and meds; they sympathize and empathize but at the same time make remarks letting me know they are questioning the dx and amount of meds I have to take.  

 

All I can do at this time is be appreciative they're in my life on regular basic and care very much about me to be here for me.  

I hope your family will one day come to terms with your MI.  

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My dad's a pdoc, so he is fine with it; he feels bad for me, I almost certainly inherited it through my paternal grandfather, and inherited my migraines through my paternal grandmother. My mother is the bane of my existence, and only cares as much as it affects her.

 

I'm "out," so most people I interact with regularly know I'm bipolar. Maybe people are saying things behind my back, but I haven't noticed anything different after they know. My best friend is bipolar, but not a rapid cycler, so she is "there" for me. I am "there" for her when she has episodes, but so far, we have not overlapped. We've talked about what would happen if we were both having an episode at the same time, but it hasn't happened yet. My husband is very supportive, but is not good at recognizing signs of mood swings until I am either incredibly crazy, or have spent a lot of money. He has Prosopagnosia, so he may have trouble reading my affect, I think.

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My dad's a pdoc, so he is fine with it; he feels bad for me, I almost certainly inherited it through my paternal grandfather, and inherited my migraines through my paternal grandmother. My mother is the bane of my existence, and only cares as much as it affects her.

 

I'm "out," so most people I interact with regularly know I'm bipolar. Maybe people are saying things behind my back, but I haven't noticed anything different after they know. My best friend is bipolar, but not a rapid cycler, so she is "there" for me. I am "there" for her when she has episodes, but so far, we have not overlapped. We've talked about what would happen if we were both having an episode at the same time, but it hasn't happened yet. My husband is very supportive, but is not good at recognizing signs of mood swings until I am either incredibly crazy, or have spent a lot of money. He has Prosopagnosia, so he may have trouble reading my affect, I think.

What is it like to have a dad as a pdoc?  that certainly is unique and kind of cool.  At least you can talk shop. LOL.  My mom must be in cahoots with your mom.

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My dad's a pdoc, so he is fine with it; he feels bad for me, I almost certainly inherited it through my paternal grandfather, and inherited my migraines through my paternal grandmother. My mother is the bane of my existence, and only cares as much as it affects her.

 

I'm "out," so most people I interact with regularly know I'm bipolar. Maybe people are saying things behind my back, but I haven't noticed anything different after they know. My best friend is bipolar, but not a rapid cycler, so she is "there" for me. I am "there" for her when she has episodes, but so far, we have not overlapped. We've talked about what would happen if we were both having an episode at the same time, but it hasn't happened yet. My husband is very supportive, but is not good at recognizing signs of mood swings until I am either incredibly crazy, or have spent a lot of money. He has Prosopagnosia, so he may have trouble reading my affect, I think.

What is it like to have a dad as a pdoc?  that certainly is unique and kind of cool.  At least you can talk shop. LOL.  My mom must be in cahoots with your mom.

 

It was really interesting, he was (is?) a well known academic psychiatrist, and I learned a ton from him. Although I know very little about meds that came on the market after he retired. People literally used to ask me where I practiced, although they wouldn't ask that nowadays. I only know about the newer meds that I have taken myself.

 

I don't understand it on a molecular level, like he does. He did a lot of research on meds like Zoloft, lithium (in the 70s, it was known, but not well), Parnate, Lamictal (he was thrilled when my pdoc put me on Lamictal), others I can't remember. And I should say, we wish he had been getting a lot of money from Big Pharma; most of his research was done through NIMH.

 

He also ran one of the first out-patient clinics for Bipolar illness. I guess before that it was all in-patient, because there was a lot of fuss surrounding it. It was sort of depressing, though, I knew I could never succeed at anything at that level, even before I was diagnosed. I just searched pubmed, and there were 79 papers that he authored or co-authored, and I know he also wrote chapters of textbooks.

 

He was a flawed father, but I didn't even realize there was anything unusual until I was in my late 20s, and had already established a good adult relationship with him.

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Celebrated my birthday early and had an awesome homeade cake ... lemon with lemon icing glaze.  I had 2 big pieces yesterday, and managed to get 2 more in this morning LOL.

 

Got my wallet back.

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Over the years, I've had setbacks, disappointments, and dreams I've had to shelve.  What are a couple of dreams I left behind?

This topic is difficult for me to share because it is painful to acknowledge how my MI influenced the decisions and mistakes I'v made.  It's caused setbacks and too many plans I now can't accomplish.so I left them behind.  

 

One dream I left behind is to have success in my chosen career; my MI prevents me, even with med compliance, to be able to work now.  Writing this is painful; not have the potential to accomplish this dream saddens me.

 

Another dream I left behind is to move to another city.  I rely on my support system too much to leave them behind.  I so hoped to do this dream; moving to live near the beach or on the west coast probably would have been a wonderful experience.   

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Wishing you many more birthdays, Melissa!

 

I am proud of myself because this evening i told my father's second wife that she needed to stop whining and accept that she'd married an older man, which means she's going to have to learn how to deal with his Alzheimer's and bad behavior and stop treating him like he's in charge. I actually told her to put on her big girl panties. Usually I try to be verry gentle with her, but her phone calls have been catching me at stressful moment and I have very little emotional support. I even called her back this evening and told her just that, and that it would be nice if she occasionally called me just to see how I was, instead of calling and launching into a recitation about my poor sick father (a man who emotionally abused me so badly that I am completely fucked up with PTSD).

 

ANNNNNNDDDDDD... I finally had a breakthrough about my rage, which is the form in which my PTSD presents (I become hypomanic and near psychotic when thinking about my parents). And for the first time in my life, fully forgave myself for having such incredible rage, after how admitting how detailed and pervasive it was. And I even forgave them, because quite frankly, they are both completely nuts and out of control, and totally unwilling and unable to confront how evil and uncaring their behavior towards everyone has always been. They were broken by what happened to them, and they chose badly (I do believe that narcissism and sociopathy involve a certain amount of choice in how to handle trauma, as does bipolar), but while I'm damaged, I'm not broken. Not anymore.  Not if I don't want to be. 

 

I may have to take meds for the rest of my life and I'm certainly far from ok, but I think I'm out of the woods, as it were. I'm actually feeling my brain healing.

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