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Just now, aura said:

Sorry you're feeling this way. Are you starting PHP tomorrow?

I'm on a suicide online chat right now, not that it's the biggest help.

I start PHP in the morning yeah. Hopefully they won't straight IP me lol.

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Just now, Hester said:

I'm on a suicide online chat right now, not that it's the biggest help.

I start PHP in the morning yeah. Hopefully they won't straight IP me lol.

I've tried chats before and they haven't been the most helpful. Just so standardized.

Hopefully by tomorrow you'll be feeling better and ready to do PHP. But if you can't ride the wave, there is always the ER.

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1 minute ago, aura said:

I've tried chats before and they haven't been the most helpful. Just so standardized.

Hopefully by tomorrow you'll be feeling better and ready to do PHP. But if you can't ride the wave, there is always the ER.

I'll make it there tomorrow. Just whether they send me straight to IP because of how I'm feeling - that happened last time. Though maybe not. At least I'll be assessed etc.

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I hope they don't just IP yous traight away. That'd suck.

I'm.. I'm.. Um. Lying in bed, have been all day, pmuch. Scary ppl in my new 'home', which really doesnt feel like one. Resenting carer taking away scalpel, but in practice there are so many other sharp things around it's not a big deal. Not even sure which one of us woke up last. Life's a blur. Last week was hell. This week will be hell. I wish to escape hell.

Us.

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I hope you aren't IP-ed immediately Hester unless that's really what's needed.  I feel like the point of the PHP is to help people who are close to it to hang on, but I know that's a hard call for them to make.  Let us know how it goes if you can.

 

im feeling slightly less anxious because I heard from the PHP director and I have the intake at 8am on Wednesday (program runs 9-3).  They get the prior authorization for the intake and first day and then call during that day for the rest of the program.  So still a slight chance insurance won't approve me, but coordinator said it's unlikely.  She also said my insurance doesn't require progress updates, so once I'm in, I'm good until they are ready for me to leave, which is quite unusual.

 

yay for helpful people and thank heavens for likely helpful insurance.

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2 hours ago, dancesintherain said:

I hope you aren't IP-ed immediately Hester unless that's really what's needed.  I feel like the point of the PHP is to help people who are close to it to hang on, but I know that's a hard call for them to make.  Let us know how it goes if you can.

 

im feeling slightly less anxious because I heard from the PHP director and I have the intake at 8am on Wednesday (program runs 9-3).  They get the prior authorization for the intake and first day and then call during that day for the rest of the program.  So still a slight chance insurance won't approve me, but coordinator said it's unlikely.  She also said my insurance doesn't require progress updates, so once I'm in, I'm good until they are ready for me to leave, which is quite unusual.

 

yay for helpful people and thank heavens for likely helpful insurance.

On another thread Hester said she was being admitted to the hospital ...

Scroll down to the bottom.

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Low again today. Feel tired and mentally slow. Pdoc hasn't written me back yet, so I emailed tdoc. I'm not happy with how things are going right now. I'm up and down every 3-5 days, and there are some sneaky little psychotic elements involved. Nowhere as bad as I was when admitted to hospital a billion times this year, but definitely not where I want to be.

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Words and thoughts are flying, though probably partially out of anxiety rather than hypo/mania; mood is fairly all over the board; excited about some phone calls related to an upcoming possible PHP and possible short-term disability through work that includes partial payments in the long run (i.e. if I go to work 50% of the time); energy fairly high, yet exhausted, which makes no sense to me--it's like I'm wired awake with caffeine, but I haven't had any. 

I hate bipolar disorder.  I do like friendly claims coordinators, health insurance people, and hospital administrators at least.  I just hate my brain, which is unfortunately the one out of hte four that I'm stuck with. 

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and ride the rollercoaster back down...convinced things won't make a difference.  tension headache, tearfulness, and anxiety has spiked.  my mood has the lasting power of a three-year-old who has an ice cream cone held out in front of him/her but can't eat it.  up and down and all around I go. 

what sucks (right now at least) is that the life portion of the program would be great - my job rocks when I'm actually equipped to do it, my friends are amazingly supportive and understanding, my parents are coming around to the whole illness and being supportive, and I have a helpful team in place (see above on pdoc, tdoc, and possibly even PHP/short term disability people; limited other docs I work with are great). 

What sucks are my brain, which hates me, and my heart, which seems to lack any resilience under the planet.  And because I hate crying, my eyes aren't something I'm a big fan of either right now.  And none of those three things can I actually just throw out the window, like I in theory could get rid of some of the rest. 

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1 hour ago, dancesintherain said:

What sucks are my brain, which hates me, and my heart, which seems to lack any resilience under the planet.  And because I hate crying, my eyes aren't something I'm a big fan of either right now.  And none of those three things can I actually just throw out the window, like I in theory could get rid of some of the rest. 

^ yes this  i hate this fucking illness

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The world feels bad and evil to me right now. All sensations lead to this. I'm disgusted. It's violating my space. I hate that this book cover is green. It represents all the nefarious machinations of the universe. Everything is a microcosm of this evil. There's nowhere to run and hide. I feel claustrophobic...

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Had a burst of suicidality this evening (probably the result of mixed mood), focused in particular on the wish to be buried alive (why, I haven't a clue), but made much more serious by that I have a large stockpile of lithium and carbamazepine on hand, which could result in a very serious overdose if taken (albeit likely to fail, because large quantities of lithium by themselves tend to induce vomiting), which I also had pretty strong thoughts of taking, restrained really only by the thought of being found in a pool of vomit, alive but very sick, especially if I aspirated my vomit. I was talked into hiding the lot in my car, out in the garage, by the people in chat, to at least put it more at arm's length; I could not bring myself to give it all to my parents, which would mean admitting to them that I was suicidal. Now, that has mostly lifted, leaving myself shocked at how suicidal I got (and that I got so despite not really feeling any reason that made sense for being suicidal) and feeling guilty for making all the people in chat worry considerably. It especially is shocking because things seemed to have been getting better since my last appointment with my pdoc, compared to the time between that appointment and the appointment before, which was characterized by quite strong ultradian cycling, with severe, angry mixed moods and paranoia and the whole nine yards.

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Sorry for such a rough evening closure (understatement of the century).  I'm glad you came up with a safety plan that at least requires a greater degree of awareness.  Ideally, mentioning it to someone would be best as I'm sure you know, but taking any step toward self-preservation is a good one.

When is your next pdoc appointment?  Is it something worth calling about? 

Edited by dancesintherain
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4 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

Sorry for such a rough evening closure (understatement of the century).  I'm glad you came up with a safety plan that at least requires a greater degree of awareness.  Ideally, mentioning it to someone would be best as I'm sure you know, but taking any step toward self-preservation is a good one.  (Says the person who go hopeless and helpless over a former relationship mess, go figure.)

When is your next pdoc appointment?  Is it something worth calling about? 

I should probably call my pdoc tomorrow to see if I should move up my appointment. There does not seem to be any danger anymore, though, since it's mostly lifted, so going to the ER is probably not necessary. However, just that it happened at all is worrisome.

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