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Anybody With Bipolar Want to Share?

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9 minutes ago, ohjustchillin said:

Yes exactly. We've all be "trained" to behave in public and such, so it doesn't really come easily to drop your whole exterior and just talk openly and not smile and say hello how are you I'm great. 

Ultrarapid cycling sucks balls but I'm gonna enjoy this upswing however short it is.

I'm the:

 

Pdoc: "How are you?"

Me: "Oh pretty good, you?"

Pdoc: "Good!"

Me: "Wait, no actually I'm not good, that's why I'm here..."

 

ugh.

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28 minutes ago, 2Spirals said:

I also have ultra-rapid cycling. I bounce all over the place. I can't get stable, but my doctor seems unconcerned. Just because in the office I am calm nd collected doesn't mean I'm not depressed, mixed, manic, whatever. But if they don't see it, it's like they don't believe it. I can behave myself for a little while, and it's just deeply ingrained in me to do so in professional settings.

Anyone else have this issue? (Both... ultra-rapid cycling or not showing symptoms outwardly to your dr)

Yup. Not as bad as when my docs were first getting to know me thought. They can tell when I'm depressed or very manic. They seem to have trouble recognizing hypomania.

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11 minutes ago, aura said:

Yup. Not as bad as when my docs were first getting to know me thought. They can tell when I'm depressed or very manic. They seem to have trouble recognizing hypomania.

I had ONE time when I went to the pdoc and was talking fast and couldn't get words out fast enough. I was looking all over the room all the time, and getting distracted by pictures and paintings and stuff. I think that was a good indicator something was wrong to her. But other than that, I don't think I've 'acted' any certain way in front of a doc. Maybe I should 'fake it to make it' so they take me more seriously that Hello I can NOT get stable!! 

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17 minutes ago, 2Spirals said:

I had ONE time when I went to the pdoc and was talking fast and couldn't get words out fast enough. I was looking all over the room all the time, and getting distracted by pictures and paintings and stuff. I think that was a good indicator something was wrong to her. But other than that, I don't think I've 'acted' any certain way in front of a doc. Maybe I should 'fake it to make it' so they take me more seriously that Hello I can NOT get stable!! 

Yea... the times I was hospitalized for mania I presented to my pdoc with extreme hostility and paranoia. You couldn't miss it. But a lot of other times I'll tell them "I feel/felt elevated" and they don't care cos I'm not full-on manic and can control how I act. I feel like docs should start caring about elevated mood when it's still mild, don't you? If you just let things go until you're full on manic, then things are so much more complicated. Like right now I feel a bit elevated but I know it won't matter if I tell anyone since I don't even think I'm hypo, just on my way there potentially. Anyway, sorry that's a lot. As I said... elevated, got lots to say.

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49 minutes ago, dragonfly23 said:

Been doing better.  I should be able to drink again.   Can you say self sabotage

Don't do it! I can totally understand, but it's not worth it.

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4 minutes ago, aura said:

Don't do it! I can totally understand, but it's not worth it.

It's done....  but i know the drill.  Tomorrow can be different. 

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9 hours ago, 2Spirals said:

I also have ultra-rapid cycling. I bounce all over the place. I can't get stable, but my doctor seems unconcerned. Just because in the office I am calm nd collected doesn't mean I'm not depressed, mixed, manic, whatever. But if they don't see it, it's like they don't believe it. I can behave myself for a little while, and it's just deeply ingrained in me to do so in professional settings.

Anyone else have this issue? (Both... ultra-rapid cycling or not showing symptoms outwardly to your dr)

I can really relate to this.  I could not have said it any better than what you wrote in this post (in bold).  And it does include not showing symptoms outwardly to my pdoc because it is all so ingrained that it is automatic.  Even with him I catch myself saying, "I'm fine," after he asks how I am.  When I am not 'fine.'

During that messed up month with pdoc, where he himself went crazy because the election and took it out on me (completely obvious), pdoc has accused me of lying about symptoms for all these years ... and that if I don't need an anti-psychotic then maybe I am not SZA. (This was the time when he wanted me on an AP or would put me IP; he didn't believe me). 

I empathize with you about what you wrote.  BTDT too.

(I don't want to go off on a tangent so I will stop here).

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9 hours ago, 2Spirals said:

Maybe I should 'fake it to make it' so they take me more seriously

I've thought of this also, generally-speaking.  Just to keep them on track and make sure they take me seriously, I will at times remind them that 'yeah, I do have a MI.'  They may not see it, and when I do stuff on purpose to prove I have a MI (to whomever) it really pisses me off.

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8 hours ago, aura said:

I feel like docs should start caring about elevated mood when it's still mild, don't you? If you just let things go until you're full on manic, then things are so much more complicated.

Yes, I do.

(in bold)  Exactly.

8 hours ago, ohjustchillin said:

I'm just glad I don't feel like killing myself anymore. 

Fingers crossed this doesn't turn into a nasty mixed episode. Those are the worst.

I'm glad to hear it! *fingers crossed*

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13 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

I can really relate to this.  I could not have said it any better than what you wrote in this post (in bold).  And it does include not showing symptoms outwardly to my pdoc because it is all so ingrained that it is automatic.  Even with him I catch myself saying, "I'm fine," after he asks how I am.  When I am not 'fine.'

During that messed up month with pdoc, where he himself went crazy because the election and took it out on me (completely obvious), pdoc has accused me of lying about symptoms for all these years ... and that if I don't need an anti-psychotic then maybe I am not SZA. (This was the time when he wanted me on an AP or would put me IP; he didn't believe me). 

I empathize with you about what you wrote.  BTDT too.

(I don't want to go off on a tangent so I will stop here).

Wow. That is infuriating! Not cool.

My default attitude when talking about anything with pdoc/tdoc is "a bit too excited." When we talk suicide, I start smiling and laughing. I told both my docs that I do that but pdoc still has faculty members come in because they supervise him and I'm sure I creep them out when pdoc is saying what my current symptoms are and I'm smiling like an idiot. When I became more comfortable letting go with tdoc my behaviors started to include dissociation and childlike fascination (that's the only way I can describe it). 

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I grew up religious, and I still believe in God. But for the last few months I've been so anxious that God's going to punish me for any negative thoughts or thoughts about hurting myself or anything like that, which is pretty much impossible to prevent because I'm sick. I know it's now my fault, but I always feel like he's going to punish me by making me physically sick (I have an autoimmune disease and part of that is feeling nauseous a lot of the time, and getting sick is one of my biggest anxieties lately). I know this is ridiculous because that's not really how it all works, but I always feel pressured to pray multiple times a day specific word for word prayers asking to not be sick. And I pray a really long, word for word prayer every night or else I feel like something terrible will happen. Goes along with my paranoia. I sleep with a light on and the mirror covered for gods sake and I'm 20 years old.

Pretty sure I've been in a mixed episode for a long time, then had a slightly stable period for about a week and a half, then mixed again starting with primarily depressed, and now agitated. Must've been a short upswing today, which was nice.  But I'm having more bad thoughts again.

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Okay today I feel hypo for sure. Was engaging in some reckless driving earlier, which is a warning sign for me. 

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Sorry for how much I'm posting, but I've got a question. Does anyone else have self injury and dangerous behavior when manic? Not mixed, just manic alone? 

Cause I feel like I want to just jump off a fucking building just to feel it, and I just want to hurt myself cause I feel like what the hell I'm invincible. 

I feel like I'm hypomanic bordering/soon to become manic. I don't know. I guess I'll just wait for the psychosis, hopefully its nice delusions this time. Honestly I just want to feel everything possible. If what I have to feel is craziness and terrifying deep paranoia and fear and nonstop movement and thoughts then bring it fucking on I just wanna do this 

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4 hours ago, ohjustchillin said:

Sorry for how much I'm posting, but I've got a question. Does anyone else have self injury and dangerous behavior when manic? Not mixed, just manic alone? 

Cause I feel like I want to just jump off a fucking building just to feel it, and I just want to hurt myself cause I feel like what the hell I'm invincible. 

I feel like I'm hypomanic bordering/soon to become manic. I don't know. I guess I'll just wait for the psychosis, hopefully its nice delusions this time. Honestly I just want to feel everything possible. If what I have to feel is craziness and terrifying deep paranoia and fear and nonstop movement and thoughts then bring it fucking on I just wanna do this 

You can post as much as you want to :)

No, I do not have the behavior when manic NOW.  But I sometimes feel the compulsion to do something (without thinking much about it) that could cause SI.  So I don't act on it, but I do feel the compulsion.  Years ago BEFORE NOW though I did act on things when manic, which landed me in the ER many times.  So back then, yes, I did.  Now I don't act on anything.

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I feel great! Like I'm floating on air, the life of the party, my wit is quick and sharper than anyone around me. Nauseating anxiety gone, at ease with everyone, time to dance. 

I'm glad a few months of catatonic depression is over! Feel so good about myself now. Don't care that theyre going to fire me, don't need them. It's all so insignificant!

I haven't felt so much like me since diagnosis. But I'm back!

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I've been sleeping less and I'm terrified  of being manic again and when I wake up at 3 am  I cry. I have 20 zolpidem per month , my doctor doesn't want addiction problems .  I don't feel depressed anyone but the thought of being manic is horrifying .  I can't have another episode again .  The important people in my life might not be there for me after I hurt them again .  Sorry just had to put this out there.

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2 hours ago, survivingbp said:

I feel great! Like I'm floating on air, the life of the party, my wit is quick and sharper than anyone around me. Nauseating anxiety gone, at ease with everyone, time to dance. 

I'm glad a few months of catatonic depression is over! Feel so good about myself now. Don't care that theyre going to fire me, don't need them. It's all so insignificant!

I haven't felt so much like me since diagnosis. But I'm back!

I'm glad you are feeling better, but even so, have you talked you your pdoc lately?  To me it sounds like you are headed towards hypo/mania (BTDT), and for me it always leads me to a crash, becoming very depressed, which takes me awhile to get out of.  Completely not worth it for me to be hypo/mania.

Your sig doesn't list meds ... are you on any meds?

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20 minutes ago, Zerobunny said:

I've been sleeping less and I'm terrified  of being manic again and when I wake up at 3 am  I cry. I have 20 zolpidem per month , my doctor doesn't want addiction problems .  I don't feel depressed anyone but the thought of being manic is horrifying .  I can't have another episode again .  The important people in my life might not be there for me after I hurt them again .  Sorry just had to put this out there.

I'm sorry you've been having a hard time.  I don't like being manic either ... I mean at the time I *might* enjoy it for a little while, but I always end up crashing, regretting letting myself to become hypo/manic.  So I understand the anxiety about becoming hypo/manic.

Are you on other meds than zolpidem? 

Could you maybe take a nap during the day to make up for lost sleep at night? 

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