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Anybody With Bipolar Want to Share?

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6 hours ago, survivingbp said:

I feel great! Like I'm floating on air, the life of the party, my wit is quick and sharper than anyone around me. Nauseating anxiety gone, at ease with everyone, time to dance. 

I'm glad a few months of catatonic depression is over! Feel so good about myself now. Don't care that theyre going to fire me, don't need them. It's all so insignificant!

I haven't felt so much like me since diagnosis. But I'm back!

I can relate a lot to this right now. Hope you're keeping an eye out for mania.

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31 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

I have a newly found appreciation for feet, having recently broken one of mine.

Oh no!  I'm sorry ... what happened?

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3 minutes ago, melissaw72 said:

Oh no!  I'm sorry ... what happened?

Diagnosis is stress fracture namely because I can't point to any cause for the injury.  It doesn't completely make sense, but it's definitely fractured and I definitely don't remember doing anything, is that's how we land there.

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10 minutes ago, dancesintherain said:

Diagnosis is stress fracture namely because I can't point to any cause for the injury.  It doesn't completely make sense, but it's definitely fractured and I definitely don't remember doing anything, is that's how we land there.

dances ... FWIW this is exactly how my hip broke ... there were no reasons for it to break ... ie no falls etc.  They didn't even call it a stress fracture when there were no reasons/causes for it to happen.  It was a definite break according to my DRs.  And I am NOT saying at all that you will need surgery on it, but I did, 3 separate times.  It was never a fracture.  It was a break.

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I don't want to start taking meds again. I at least want to wait until this episode plays out. I can't tell if it's manic or mixed. I'm betting on mixed but with short periods of depressed and then manic, it'll probably get more mixed as it goes on. And I'm only having slight periods of paranoia and delusional thinking so far. And I think I may have actually hallucinated a bit visually, but who knows. All I know is I finally feel more like myself unmediated than I have in years on lamictal. I will call and make an appointment with a therapist tomorrow though. I've never done therapy really.

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I cannot not not not get rid of my mania... (which tends to manifest more so as a lot of agitation, restlessness, etc mixed in with super sped up feeling, etc) and I just feel like a crazy person. My pdoc added a 2nd mood stabilizer to more so target the manic side but I'm either the same of more so manic? I really really need to slow down somehow, I'm way too up and it's not a good feeling. I'm new to this pdoc but thinking I should call tomorrow and ask for something prn to calm me (Haldol has done wonders in the past) but is that too forward or weird? Any advice? I just really need a break from being on fast forward. The mood stabilizer he prescribed me at my last visit was oxcarbazepine  (added to lamictal). Started low because I'm sensitive to meds but I'm not sure if it's making me worse or maybe needs upping but I'm terrified to have it upped in case it is agitating the mania. He knows I've tried many medications and if I know Haldol has worked would it make sense to just ask for it? Thanks :)

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1 minute ago, her-escape said:

I cannot not not not get rid of my mania... (which tends to manifest more so as a lot of agitation, restlessness, etc mixed in with super sped up feeling, etc) and I just feel like a crazy person. My pdoc added a 2nd mood stabilizer to more so target the manic side but I'm either the same of more so manic? I really really need to slow down somehow, I'm way too up and it's not a good feeling. I'm new to this pdoc but thinking I should call tomorrow and ask for something prn to calm me (Haldol has done wonders in the past) but is that too forward or weird? Any advice? I just really need a break from being on fast forward. The mood stabilizer he prescribed me at my last visit was oxcarbazepine  (added to lamictal). Started low because I'm sensitive to meds but I'm not sure if it's making me worse or maybe needs upping but I'm terrified to have it upped in case it is agitating the mania. He knows I've tried many medications and if I know Haldol has worked would it make sense to just ask for it? Thanks :)

I think it totally makes sense to ask for Haldol if it works. I'm sure if your doctor thinks it's a bad idea he'll let you know.

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The worst thing that is going to happen is that pdoc says no. Asking may very well get you what you need. I think the benefits of asking outweigh the risks of asking. I hope you feel a little slower soon. 

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7 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

I'm sorry you've been having a hard time.  I don't like being manic either ... I mean at the time I *might* enjoy it for a little while, but I always end up crashing, regretting letting myself to become hypo/manic.  So I understand the anxiety about becoming hypo/manic.

Are you on other meds than zolpidem? 

Could you maybe take a nap during the day to make up for lost sleep at night? 

I also take lamictal  once a day and hydroxyzine if I need it. Unfortunately with my job I leave a little before 9 am and get home about 730. I wish I could nap. 

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I experienced mania leading to psychosis in 2000 - threw my family for a loop.. Since then i've been on maintenance valproic acid and clonazepam. My new doc recently decided to take me off the clonazepam. Not nice!! I tend to be hypomanic, cheerful, but too excitable, creative in mind, Google search junky. Just went on internet shopping spree - Christmas is good cover story, my church has about 20 medieval costumes for photos, dram, visiting sick etc..hubby doesn't know. My mind speed seems to correlate with aleep. Didn't realize that's what the clonazepam was for. Now need psych appt to get it back. He already said my meds had been fine for 16 yrs...dont remember feeling fully rested.. 

I never experience depression, but I get angry.. Only show it to my family..

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On 12/10/2016 at 0:54 AM, melissaw72 said:

I can really relate to this.  I could not have said it any better than what you wrote in this post (in bold).  And it does include not showing symptoms outwardly to my pdoc because it is all so ingrained that it is automatic.  Even with him I catch myself saying, "I'm fine," after he asks how I am.  When I am not 'fine.'

During that messed up month with pdoc, where he himself went crazy because the election and took it out on me (completely obvious), pdoc has accused me of lying about symptoms for all these years ... and that if I don't need an anti-psychotic then maybe I am not SZA. (This was the time when he wanted me on an AP or would put me IP; he didn't believe me). 

I empathize with you about what you wrote.  BTDT too.

(I don't want to go off on a tangent so I will stop here).

I experienced mania leading to psychosis in 2000 - threw my family for a loop.. Since then i've been on maintenance valproic acid and clonazepam. My new doc recently decided to take me off the clonazepam. Not nice!! I tend to be hypomanic, cheerful, but too excitable, creative in mind, Google search junky. Just went on internet shopping spree - Christmas is good cover story, my church has about 20 medieval costumes for photos, dram, visiting sick etc..hubby doesn't know. My mind speed seems to correlate with aleep. Didn't realize that's what the clonazepam was for. Now need psych appt to get it back. He already said my meds had been fine for 16 yrs...dont remember feeling fully rested.. 

I never experience depression, but I get angry.. Only show it to my family..

 

I worked as a mental health worker for couple of years and express myself too well.. I'm afraid to show anger in case they haul me off... It was only when I asked for info about my dying father in law that she asked for blood work which showed low valproic acid levels.Thank God..i still couldn't sleep, even with sleeping pill for another month when i got flu bug

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1 hour ago, her-escape said:

I cannot not not not get rid of my mania... (which tends to manifest more so as a lot of agitation, restlessness, etc mixed in with super sped up feeling, etc) and I just feel like a crazy person. My pdoc added a 2nd mood stabilizer to more so target the manic side but I'm either the same of more so manic? I really really need to slow down somehow, I'm way too up and it's not a good feeling. I'm new to this pdoc but thinking I should call tomorrow and ask for something prn to calm me (Haldol has done wonders in the past) but is that too forward or weird? Any advice? I just really need a break from being on fast forward. The mood stabilizer he prescribed me at my last visit was oxcarbazepine  (added to lamictal). Started low because I'm sensitive to meds but I'm not sure if it's making me worse or maybe needs upping but I'm terrified to have it upped in case it is agitating the mania. He knows I've tried many medications and if I know Haldol has worked would it make sense to just ask for it? Thanks :)

I think it sounds like a good idea to call pdoc tomorrow to tell him/her what is going on, and ask about meds.  I'd definitely tell pdoc about the mania, and how the 2nd mood stabilizer might not be helping.

 

1 hour ago, Mister Joshua said:

The worst thing that is going to happen is that pdoc says no.

^this.

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55 minutes ago, Upnotdown said:

I experienced mania leading to psychosis in 2000 - threw my family for a loop.. Since then i've been on maintenance valproic acid and clonazepam. My new doc recently decided to take me off the clonazepam. Not nice!! I tend to be hypomanic, cheerful, but too excitable, creative in mind, Google search junky. Just went on internet shopping spree - Christmas is good cover story, my church has about 20 medieval costumes for photos, dram, visiting sick etc..hubby doesn't know. My mind speed seems to correlate with aleep. Didn't realize that's what the clonazepam was for. Now need psych appt to get it back. He already said my meds had been fine for 16 yrs...dont remember feeling fully rested.. 

I never experience depression, but I get angry.. Only show it to my family..

Why did your DR take you off of klonopin?

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Thanks everyone. :) I guess I do know that, but I'm someone who constantly doubts myself so it's nice just to get some reassurance from others. Although to be honest I'm starting to feel like maybe I should try to hold out til my appt in January. I hate being a 'burden' so I really don't want to call... I'll probably go back and forth about this a million times before calling him.

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I'm obsessing over the idea that I'm not actually bipolar and that it's just the autoimmune thyroid causing the mood issues and psychosis. Even though I started having bipolar symptoms at age 13 and didn't test low for my thyroid or start having hypothyroid symptoms until I was 19 and 20. I don't want it to all be the thyroid, honestly. It's like some identity crisis. I've been mentally ill for what seems like forever. 

Another much more unhealthy reason I don't want this is because (as bad as this sounds) I want my symptoms to get worse. I want to just give in to the bipolar disorder and let the psychosis consume me. I don't want insight. I don't want relief. I don't know why. I almost want to let it all go just to see how bad it gets and to assure myself that, yes, I do have bipolar disorder and no I wasn't blowing all my symptoms out of proportion. Even if it means being unable to stand being alive and being terrified for months. I don't know. 

I feel like I'm losing it. Maybe this anxiety and obsessive need to research these two diseases and understand everything about myself is a symptom of this mixed episode. Ugh. 

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4 hours ago, ohjustchillin said:

I'm obsessing over the idea that I'm not actually bipolar and that it's just the autoimmune thyroid causing the mood issues and psychosis. Even though I started having bipolar symptoms at age 13 and didn't test low for my thyroid or start having hypothyroid symptoms until I was 19 and 20. I don't want it to all be the thyroid, honestly. It's like some identity crisis. I've been mentally ill for what seems like forever. 

Another much more unhealthy reason I don't want this is because (as bad as this sounds) I want my symptoms to get worse. I want to just give in to the bipolar disorder and let the psychosis consume me. I don't want insight. I don't want relief. I don't know why. I almost want to let it all go just to see how bad it gets and to assure myself that, yes, I do have bipolar disorder and no I wasn't blowing all my symptoms out of proportion. Even if it means being unable to stand being alive and being terrified for months. I don't know. 

I feel like I'm losing it. Maybe this anxiety and obsessive need to research these two diseases and understand everything about myself is a symptom of this mixed episode. Ugh. 

 

I kind of get what you're saying... and to  (for?) me it's kind a validation thing? Like if I'm stable for a very short while, it's like wait...  maybe I don't have this of that, or whatever? No idea if this is sounding at all like you as well? But I hate that the mental/ physical illnesses I have are invisible. I want proof. I hate that mental illness is sort of up for interpretation, as far as certain experts may disagree about what condition you have, etc. Try to diagnose you differently that the last. And I often question if I'm relaying my symptoms accurately? And if I'm not, could my diagnoses be wrong?  It's just a cycle I guess... and I'm rambling now, but i guess I just wanted to tell you I can kind of get where you're coming from. 

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Yeah I'm on meds - 900 Seroquel + lithium + valium and zyprexa prn. Just feel like I'm the person I'm supposed to be.

Feel like the meds took me away from that forever.

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6 hours ago, her-escape said:

Thanks everyone. :) I guess I do know that, but I'm someone who constantly doubts myself so it's nice just to get some reassurance from others. Although to be honest I'm starting to feel like maybe I should try to hold out til my appt in January. I hate being a 'burden' so I really don't want to call... I'll probably go back and forth about this a million times before calling him.

TBH, I do not think you are a burden.  Why do you think you are?  I can empathize with you because I feel the same way with other people (other than with pdoc) ... that I am a burden, or am being seen as a "problem" (like writing too many emails or calling too much, or whatever ... too much of whatever). I'd rather have that someone else tell me right off the bat if there is something they don't like, than me becoming a burden without even knowing I was one.

The reason that I don't feel like a burden with my pdoc is because he chose this job and everything that comes with it.  If he says I can page him whenever (which is fine with him, according to him), I take his word for it because he offered it.  He could choose not to allow something, change boundaries, or whatever, but if an offer is there (for anything) then I use it if needed.  If my pdoc for whatever reason said I am becoming a burden/causing problems, or whatever ... but in nicer words) I'd ask why ... and if he says anything related to something he had been offering, ie the phone calls, I would say back how he CHOSE to let me do (whatever it was).  And if he didn't want me to do that anymore, then just tell me, before telling me I am a burden. 

Does that make sense?

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6 hours ago, ohjustchillin said:

 

Another much more unhealthy reason I don't want this is because (as bad as this sounds) I want my symptoms to get worse. I want to just give in to the bipolar disorder and let the psychosis consume me. I don't want insight. I don't want relief. I don't know why. I almost want to let it all go just to see how bad it gets and to assure myself that, yes, I do have bipolar disorder and no I wasn't blowing all my symptoms out of proportion. Even if it means being unable to stand being alive and being terrified for months. I don't know. 

I feel like I'm losing it. Maybe this anxiety and obsessive need to research these two diseases and understand everything about myself is a symptom of this mixed episode. Ugh. 

Coming from someone who has gone this route ... when you say how you want your symptoms to get worse, let the psychosis consume you, have no insight, have no relief, and how you want to see how bad it gets, being unable to stand being alive, as long as being terrified ... personally speaking it isn't a good idea.

I'll tell you why.  You could land your self IP, land yourself in jail, become involved with the police, in a bad way ... all police I have encountered don't know a lot (if anything) about MI, so they do whatever they do to ie, keep you from maybe disturbing the peace or something (just an example).  And IME they will send you to the hospital if they think any of it has to do with MI.  So many bad things can happen ... and I can not remember one good thing that happened when I went off meds. 

Letting the psychosis consume you will most likely put you into another world, parallel to ours, but it isn't a real one no matter what you think about it.

Anyway, just some things to think about.

1 hour ago, survivingbp said:

Yeah I'm on meds - 900 Seroquel + lithium + valium and zyprexa prn. Just feel like I'm the person I'm supposed to be.

Feel like the meds took me away from that forever.

I hear you.

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