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So, all that giddiness I mentioned a few weeks ago subsided for the most part, but I had still been experiencing sleep, thought and concentration problems in the weeks since. Then last night... I just lost my shit. I didn't sleep and was up all night in a sort of jittery daze of confusion, probably because around 1:00 am I took 2 zolpidem, but all they did was make my body feel funny and wobbly. Did nothing as far as shutting me down mentally.

Luckily, I had an appointment with my pdoc this morning to check up on how the reintroduction of Abilify was going. Ho-ly shit! I was not in a good place at that appointment. Twitchy as hell. My heart was laying down blast beats all day. My pdoc actually busted out a gizmo to test my pulse and she did not like what it told her. End result of all that was increasing my Abilify back up to 7.5 and she also gave me loprazepam to take if needed while the Abilify increase kicks in. Also, since it's likely the result of the lower dose of Abilify and being on a nicotine patch (step 1), she suggested I drop to step 2 because all the nicotine seems to be working with the Abilify to screw me over.

The lorazepam helped a bit. Slowed my heart rate to a within the grasp of normal range. I feel like I might actually sleep tonight. *fingers crossed* If I don't I'm supposed to -- and will -- call my pdoc.

Edited by xmo

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13 hours ago, Dphxa said:

@xmo I wish they would have tried Zyprexa first instead of going straight to the Ativan.  If you keep taking that, you might have a lot of trouble coming off of it.  Don't take it every day if you can do it.

I hear what you're saying, and thanks for lookin' out. Things seem to have calmed down a bit (physically) today, so I don't think I should need it much. Either way, I threw it in the back of a drawer in my room so I know where it is if I need it should I have another crazy-ass flair up, but also so that it's out of sight out of mind. Truth be told, I hate taking pills anyway, even small ones, which is why I took a break from meds for a while. Now that I'm back on 'em, I'm trying to keep the number of pills I take to a minimum, which basically means, I'll take the necessary ones but as for all the "just in case" meds I will put off taking them unless it is absolutely necessary and try other, non-pill methods first.

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Just got home from my therapist... She does not check the clock , which is soo rare for a therapist, I think that was almost a 2 hour session. she is pretty good soo far!

Edited by KnickNak
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2 hours ago, KnickNak said:

Just got home from my therapist... She does not check the clock , which is soo rare for a therapist, I think that was almost a 2 hour session. she is pretty good soo far!

Wow!  A 2-hour session is great! This has happened to me too with a former pdoc, except it went to a little over 1.5 hours.  I felt kind of bad with messing up his appt times with other patients, but I knew it wasn't my fault because they should have been watching the clock (their job, not yours).

I'm glad she is pretty good so far.  I hope she will continue to be!

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10 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

Wow!  A 2-hour session is great! This has happened to me too with a former pdoc, except it went to a little over 1.5 hours.  I felt kind of bad with messing up his appt times with other patients, but I knew it wasn't my fault because they should have been watching the clock (their job, not yours).

I'm glad she is pretty good so far.  I hope she will continue to be!

Thanks, Her specializing in a few things helps a lot!  Exactly, I know what you mean, you wonder about the other patients but that just shows you how good of a pdoc yours was to take that much time with you instead of pushing you out the door. But , You're right, they know when to wrap things up. 

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3 hours ago, KnickNak said:

Thanks, Her specializing in a few things helps a lot!  Exactly, I know what you mean, you wonder about the other patients but that just shows you how good of a pdoc yours was to take that much time with you instead of pushing you out the door. But , You're right, they know when to wrap things up. 

I totally agree ... you're right about how a good pdoc will take time instead of push you out the door no matter if you are in the middle of a conversation or not. 

This happened to me today.  A half hour appt turned into a little over an hour.  We were in the middle of a good appt and as I was talking he was taking notes about the years before i was on meds (delusional, hallucinations, etc) ... when I fully had not told him everything going on.  So today we were taking about that, and when I left he said that was a good talk and that, "I feel like a talked to a whole other person," because he didn't know all the stuff that happened at first, how it all started, etc.  So it was a great talk.

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1 hour ago, melissaw72 said:

I totally agree ... you're right about how a good pdoc will take time instead of push you out the door no matter if you are in the middle of a conversation or not. 

This happened to me today.  A half hour appt turned into a little over an hour.  We were in the middle of a good appt and as I was talking he was taking notes about the years before i was on meds (delusional, hallucinations, etc) ... when I fully had not told him everything going on.  So today we were taking about that, and when I left he said that was a good talk and that, "I feel like a talked to a whole other person," because he didn't know all the stuff that happened at first, how it all started, etc.  So it was a great talk.

I'm glad things went well. My last pdoc appt also went over an hour (mine are normally 30 minutes). Just a lot of stuff to deal with. Things are getting better, but I still have crashes. They're shallower, though, and the stims help extra. I'm far from fixed, but things are a helluva a lot better than they were. I think the Deplin is really helping, both on the depression side and the sleep side. I would seriously consider talking to your pdoc about it if you're having trouble with meds being effective. I feel like I'm closing in on a solution. I just have a ways to go still. I have hope that I'll get back to where I was 9 months ago, before everything went kaflooey on me. In any case, Everything is improving. I hope everyone else is feeling improvement too.

Edited by Flash

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3 hours ago, melissaw72 said:

I totally agree ... you're right about how a good pdoc will take time instead of push you out the door no matter if you are in the middle of a conversation or not. 

This happened to me today.  A half hour appt turned into a little over an hour.  We were in the middle of a good appt and as I was talking he was taking notes about the years before i was on meds (delusional, hallucinations, etc) ... when I fully had not told him everything going on.  So today we were taking about that, and when I left he said that was a good talk and that, "I feel like a talked to a whole other person," because he didn't know all the stuff that happened at first, how it all started, etc.  So it was a great talk.

Isn't that something.. how it brings a new perspective , there is soo much they can learn about a patient and maybe think of other options of what might work better etc. That's awesome your session went well!

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6 minutes ago, KnickNak said:

Isn't that something.. how it brings a new perspective , there is soo much they can learn about a patient and maybe think of other options of what might work better etc. That's awesome your session went well!

Thanks!  Right ... they can learn a lot about their patients ... as long as they (the DR) listen.

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Up swing from a really down swing...   I feel so annoying when I can't shut up. I've always wondered if that's normal? Or I should say is it common with mania/hypomania? I have more confidence than normal but I still feel like people surely are sick of listening to me. I get sick of listening to me, so....  

My pain medication seems to amplify the mania too... not sure if that's common either.

Time for my PRN maybe.

 

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7 minutes ago, her-escape said:

Up swing from a really down swing...   I feel so annoying when I can't shut up. I've always wondered if that's normal? Or I should say is it common with mania/hypomania? I have more confidence than normal but I still feel like people surely are sick of listening to me. I get sick of listening to me, so....  

My pain medication seems to amplify the mania too... not sure if that's common either.

Time for my PRN maybe.

Yep, might be time for a PRN, if you have one available. Don't want to let the mania get out of control. 

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48 minutes ago, Dphxa said:

I feel pretty good and can't stop talking to myself.  Is this hypomania?

For me it is a sign of it.

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I'm struggling with depression and don't know how to get out of this rut I'm feeling. I don't want to dig any deeper but I don't know how to stop this cycle. I take my meds and I've been forcing myself to work out and get out of the house. 

Edited by BiWinning

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30 minutes ago, BiWinning said:

I'm struggling with depression and don't know how to get out of this rut I'm feeling. I don't want to dig any deeper but I don't know how to stop this cycle. I take my meds and I've been forcing myself to work out and get out of the house. 

Sometimes it takes a little while for behavioral activation to work. It sounds like you're on the right track though... getting out of the house and working out are huge accomplishments when depressed. I hope things improve for you soon.

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14 hours ago, Dphxa said:

Toplamax never did anything for me except give me headaches.  It has questionable efficacy as a bipolar treatment.

Funny you say that, because this medication is mainly prescribed for migraines. The main reason I take it, is for weight management with the other meds... since it can cause weight loss. Which I have lost weight on it , As far as the bipolar part it works hand in hand with the other meds I take.. just I have to deal with the side effects I have from it which are: extreme fatigue and dumbness, can't think of words , brain farts etc. 

Edited by KnickNak

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I finally has my mslt. Still awaiting results, but I'm finally able to return to my meds.....my precious..... anyways, that time off of them was downright terrible. I was a terrible person to be around.otjer people were terrible to be around. I told my doc that is a former of masochism I'd prefer not endure again. 

I talked to my new pdoc again today. I told him I had a moment of nearly losing control recently and I was worried that one day I may not realize I'm slipping into a dangerous frame of thought and be able to do something with all of that anger or frustration! I told him, and I was very uncozy saying this but I was worried I'd end up hurting my kids some day. I love my babies and I am doing everything in my power to show that....some days the pressure is a bit much. 

After that discussion he asked me about panic attacks. I do get these but it's rare. I have had them off n on since I was a kid. Typically  it'll be night our  and I'll have this feeling of dread overcome me. I will end up hiding in a room that has light but no mirrors or Windows. Réfection makes it worse. This is a paralyzing fear that you are not alone. Someone or something is there and it sees you. It's waiting for one wrong move!

TypiTypically I don't move except to hide. After a few hours the feeling passes. I told pdoc that my last attack happened during the day at walmart.  

Things were fine and I was doing some shopping then a friend snuck behind me and scared the best    najeeesuS out of me! My inner calm shattered. I can't say why because the viator with my friend was pleasant. After she walkw a away though. My imagined safety net is go eat ND now I see  hear sleep and  smell and touch everyone about m me

.    Aside from that facade of peace shattering

.that left me feeling alone and vulnerable. I could feel everyone's eyes on me. And my purchases. I couldn't level fast enough. I got into my van and tried calming down enough to drive home  .

Pdoc asked how this felt to me. I told him I felt petrified and all void all reflective surfaces...I told him I feel like something is etching me in those moments though I am unsure what that is looking or wanta..    he asked if I got  a paranoid feeling when that happens and I suppose that is a good call.

Heprescribed me vistaril for those moments there as well t of help prevent loss of control. I thought I heard him say ")eave that for now but pursue it lter'   I'm not certain but did I redflag for telling him about my panic attacks?

 

Excuse the typo essential        broke elbow so I'm goinat it 1 handedat

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Sorta worried.   I head  back home tomorrow and it's a large time zone difference.  My night meds knock me out and I can't be knocked out due to plane changes.   No night meds for me.  Then it's morning when I get home and then I wait till night.  I should be fine.  I just worry a lot about stuff.

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@Rabidtears  I'm sorry you went through all of that!  I'm glad you are back on meds now.  I hope those will bring you stability back now.

Did you get results of the sleep test?

I would have been very more than pissed ... more like angry ... about someone (a friend especially) scaring the crap out of me in a Walmart.  Those stores are panic attacks in themselves (IMO), so something else happening there just adds to everything.

Idk the answer to your question about giving a red flag to pdoc or not about the panic attacks.  I think if you had, and if he thought you were a danger to yourself or others, he would have put you IP.  You might have alerted him to it though, which is good because now it is at the forefront of things to talk about.  If that makes sense.

I hope your elbow heals fast.

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4 minutes ago, dragonfly23 said:

Sorta worried.   I head  back home tomorrow and it's a large time zone difference.  My night meds knock me out and I can't be knocked out due to plane changes.   No night meds for me.  Then it's morning when I get home and then I wait till night.  I should be fine.  I just worry a lot about stuff.

If it were me, I would do what you are doing by not taking the meds so you aren't sleepy because of plane changes.  Personally I wouldn't wait for another night to come to start up with meds again.  For me, that would be too big of a gap for taking meds. 

When you get home, will you be able to get through another day without the PM meds?  Or will you have a little while to sleep, where you can take even part of your meds to get through the day, then take your regular meds at night? 

NOT suggesting this, just wondering how you'll be without taking the meds for a couple days, and what I would do if it were me.

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