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On 6/21/2018 at 6:34 PM, White Poppy said:

When I got diagnosed, I was enrolled in a PhD program. Hypomania really helped me write better papers. After I had my breakdown that lead to the diagnosis, I was often too depressed to work, and the mood stabilizing meds dulled my brain. I just wasn't as sharp as I had been before. After several sick leaves, I finally dropped out of the program. That was ten years ago, and I am plagued by regret that my decision-making was compromised, and that I will never get to finish this big project that I started. The other day I had to go to my little brother's graduation ceremony, and I was so sad after, still am. I hate that my BPD stopped me from finishing something I had put lots of years and lots of work into. All that to say, I really understand the grief that goes along with BPD interfering with education. Hang in there.

Yes, this. I am not as smart as I used to be. Intelligence and education were prized qualities in my family. I have adjusted my standards and I grieve a lot for the potential me that is lost. 

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  • 1 month later...

I start school today! ??

After a very, very long break from any kind of actual schooling, I am going back to school this morning. My first class starts at 11:45, the second not until 5:00 pm. It's not like actual college or anything, I am just taking two foundational classes through the local continuing education center. If all goes well in these classes, and if I can get my immunization situation squared away sooner rather than later, hopefully I will make it into a nurse's assistant certificate program sometime early next year. I hope to take that path toward helping people like us, aiming to become a behavioral health aide in the future, and who knows where from there. Right now though I am focusing on these first two prerequisite classes.

I never thought I'd go back to school for anything -- ever. I always just figured I'd either be too crazy or too numb to go back. But four "short" years after starting treatment, after my meds made me lethargic and fat, my meds have loosened their death grip on me (side effect wise) and I am headed back to school with an actual plan.

On top of that I have been exercising lately! I took an introduction to Muay Thai class at a local JC over the summer and it was so fun, and so effective at weight control (I lost 12 pounds in 8 weeks!), I am going to be continuing with classes at a local gym I found that I can actually afford.

Now the only question is, will I finish school? Will I continue to be semi-successful in life -- or will it all come crashing down? In the past I've been quite susceptible to mood swings triggered by major life changes. Of course, I have never really made any potentially life changing moves while in treatment. I don't know if my meds will hold up, or crap out and send me spiraling out of control or what. I guess we'll see...

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2 hours ago, xmo said:

I start school today! ??

After a very, very long break from any kind of actual schooling, I am going back to school this morning. My first class starts at 11:45, the second not until 5:00 pm. It's not like actual college or anything, I am just taking two foundational classes through the local continuing education center. If all goes well in these classes, and if I can get my immunization situation squared away sooner rather than later, hopefully I will make it into a nurse's assistant certificate program sometime early next year. I hope to take that path toward helping people like us, aiming to become a behavioral health aide in the future, and who knows where from there. Right now though I am focusing on these first two prerequisite classes.

I never thought I'd go back to school for anything -- ever. I always just figured I'd either be too crazy or too numb to go back. But four "short" years after starting treatment, after my meds made me lethargic and fat, my meds have loosened their death grip on me (side effect wise) and I am headed back to school with an actual plan.

On top of that I have been exercising lately! I took an introduction to Muay Thai class at a local JC over the summer and it was so fun, and so effective at weight control (I lost 12 pounds in 8 weeks!), I am going to be continuing with classes at a local gym I found that I can actually afford.

Now the only question is, will I finish school? Will I continue to be semi-successful in life -- or will it all come crashing down? In the past I've been quite susceptible to mood swings triggered by major life changes. Of course, I have never really made any potentially life changing moves while in treatment. I don't know if my meds will hold up, or crap out and send me spiraling out of control or what. I guess we'll see...

Wow! You are inspirational! I so hope to return to school or work one day. Good luck with your studies and everything in your future! That all sounds amazing!

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm struggling tonight/this morning. Ate all my sleeping pills, found a bottle of Vicodin, now I'm drinking. Kind of crying....NEEDING to cry... sad that all I have to show for my life is my dog, whom I love more than myself or anything in my life...but when he leaves me, as all dogs go to heaven, and whatnot... what then? I have no (as I ZERO) friends with the exception of old acquaintances on Facebook, but we all know that doesn't count... uuhhhhggghhh… life sucks and so do I. Can I just sleep for the rest of the year? Please!

20161002_180113.jpg

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4 hours ago, xmo said:

I'm struggling tonight/this morning. Ate all my sleeping pills, found a bottle of Vicodin, now I'm drinking. Kind of crying....NEEDING to cry... sad that all I have to show for my life is my dog, whom I love more than myself or anything in my life...but when he leaves me, as all dogs go to heaven, and whatnot... what then? I have no (as I ZERO) friends with the exception of old acquaintances on Facebook, but we all know that doesn't count... uuhhhhggghhh… life sucks and so do I. Can I just sleep for the rest of the year? Please!

20161002_180113.jpg

Please call 911. Your doggie needs you. What a beautiful pup! The world needs you. Heck, CB needs you! Please get help and call 911. I’m very worried about you. Especially mixing the sleeping pills with alcohol and now the Vicodin. That’s a dangerous combination. It’s time to get some medical professionals involved. Call 911. I know having no friends can really hurt and be isolating and be so lonely. I’m in the same boat. I feel you. I’m sorry you are in a similar situation. But you do have a beautiful pup who has unconditional love for you. Try to focus on that and get the help that you need and deserve. Please call 911.

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5 hours ago, Wonderful.Cheese said:

Please call 911. Your doggie needs you. What a beautiful pup! The world needs you. Heck, CB needs you! Please get help and call 911. I’m very worried about you. Especially mixing the sleeping pills with alcohol and now the Vicodin. That’s a dangerous combination. It’s time to get some medical professionals involved. Call 911. I know having no friends can really hurt and be isolating and be so lonely. I’m in the same boat. I feel you. I’m sorry you are in a similar situation. But you do have a beautiful pup who has unconditional love for you. Try to focus on that and get the help that you need and deserve. Please call 911.

Thanks for your concern Cheese.

I dumped the rest of the shit I was taking and just put in a request to see my pdoc sooner than my next scheduled appointment (which isn't until 11/9). My dog laid with me the rest of the night last night and most of today. I think he knew something was/is wrong. I do love him so much. I guess now I'll throw myself back into exercise and studying until I hear back from the doctor's office. I just wish every time life seemed to be working out my mind didn't sabotage my efforts like that. I mean, it was just one slip up -- but like you said, a dangerous one. *sigh* I can only hope Dr. Feelgood gets back to me sooner rather than later.

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51 minutes ago, xmo said:

Thanks for your concern Cheese.

I dumped the rest of the shit I was taking and just put in a request to see my pdoc sooner than my next scheduled appointment (which isn't until 11/9). My dog laid with me the rest of the night last night and most of today. I think he knew something was/is wrong. I do love him so much. I guess now I'll throw myself back into exercise and studying until I hear back from the doctor's office. I just wish every time life seemed to be working out my mind didn't sabotage my efforts like that. I mean, it was just one slip up -- but like you said, a dangerous one. *sigh* I can only hope Dr. Feelgood gets back to me sooner rather than later.

I know what you mean about your mind sabotaging you. I'm sorry you are in despair. 

I hope your pdoc can help. I'm glad you reached out. Keep reaching out to your Dr until you hear back from him or her, ok? Call him or her to the max. That's what they are there for. To help you when you need it.

And I'm glad your dog is by your side. What a great dog. 

Stay safe, ok? 

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  • 2 weeks later...

it gets worse with age (for me).it doesn't get easier "with experience"!. i fought the good fight when i was younger but coping after years and years wears me down. it always wins.

i read a long time ago that it takes about 11 years for a person to accept the bipolar diagnosis. it has been about 11 years and i'm fully aware now how                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     it permeates my thinking all of the time. we're never free.

 

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I have gastroparesis and orthostatic hypotension. Because of this I have had to move in with my parents for safety reasons because I have been fainting from getting so dehydrated from getting so sick from the gastroparesis (paralyzed stomach). I had to sell my house, lost my job, and I'm back with my parents while most of my friends have moved away and are married and i'm divorced with my parents. They just turned 70 and I am scared what's going to happen to me when they are gone. My sister has her own family. 

I met a guy a few weeks ago, but there wasn't really any chemistry there so we ended up just friends. Nice guy, just no chemistry. 

I am finally at a good point. Most of my issues are fairly well under control under my current regimine. Because I'm doing well on the lithium, he is wanting to cut down on the lamictal with the goal of coming off it. I'm scared. I'm doing so well with being on the 150 mg and everything being like it is right now, I'm so scared of anything changing. 

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On 10/13/2018 at 11:32 PM, AnxietyGirl74 said:

I am finally at a good point. Most of my issues are fairly well under control under my current regimine. Because I'm doing well on the lithium, he is wanting to cut down on the lamictal with the goal of coming off it. I'm scared. I'm doing so well with being on the 150 mg and everything being like it is right now, I'm so scared of anything changing. 

 

the pdoc's don't always understand how we cherish a point of stability. mine frequently wants to change when i'm doing well. i've learned to just tell him 'no'. i didn't like changing things up if i was stable, and as lame as this sounds, 'if it aint broke, don't fix it.'

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On October 14, 2018 at 1:32 AM, AnxietyGirl74 said:

I have gastroparesis and orthostatic hypotension. Because of this I have had to move in with my parents for safety reasons because I have been fainting from getting so dehydrated from getting so sick from the gastroparesis (paralyzed stomach). I had to sell my house, lost my job, and I'm back with my parents while most of my friends have moved away and are married and i'm divorced with my parents. They just turned 70 and I am scared what's going to happen to me when they are gone. My sister has her own family. 

I met a guy a few weeks ago, but there wasn't really any chemistry there so we ended up just friends. Nice guy, just no chemistry. 

I am finally at a good point. Most of my issues are fairly well under control under my current regimine. Because I'm doing well on the lithium, he is wanting to cut down on the lamictal with the goal of coming off it. I'm scared. I'm doing so well with being on the 150 mg and everything being like it is right now, I'm so scared of anything changing. 

Is there a reason to reduce/stop it besides just being on less meds? Such as its causing u specific side effects or issues? 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I had my interview for graduate school last week.

The program is an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I discussed my bipolar disorder in said interview.

Yikes! I don't know if that helped me or hurt me.

We shall see in November.

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On 10/15/2018 at 10:45 PM, Iceberg said:

Is there a reason to reduce/stop it besides just being on less meds? Such as its causing u specific side effects or issues? 

i think just to be on less meds. i'm on a lot.  Forgot to add, i have several different conditions I'm on medication for.

Edited by AnxietyGirl74
Forgot to add something
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On 10/15/2018 at 9:41 PM, inmyhead said:

the pdoc's don't always understand how we cherish a point of stability. mine frequently wants to change when i'm doing well. i've learned to just tell him 'no'. i didn't like changing things up if i was stable, and as lame as this sounds, 'if it aint broke, don't fix it.'

i agree. When i see him Monday, I think I'm going to ask him to keep me on the same dose of Lamictal. Right now I'm feeling really good. I know he's probably going to have to switch me from Rexulti to Latuda for insurance reasons and I get that but October to December is usually my really depressed for the most part time so I'm happy that I'm up, but not too crazy, right now. It's been a while since I've felt this way and even on another board I post on a lot, just about everything, they were talking about how much happier and not so angry a lot of the time so I'm going to let him know that, too.

 

Hope things are going okay for you.

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On 10/25/2018 at 9:03 PM, de414 said:

I had my interview for graduate school last week.

The program is an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and I discussed my bipolar disorder in said interview.

Yikes! I don't know if that helped me or hurt me.

We shall see in November.

Update: I got IN!!!!

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