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Anybody With Bipolar Want to Share?

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I don't want to think I'm spending my life just going through the motions and never having a passion for anything I do.

 

I worry about this too.  I don't have a passion for anything, and am going through life just going through the motions.

 

It kind of makes me wish I'd gotten diagnosed sooner. I've spent most of my life wondering why I never had a passion for anything, and everyone kept telling me "Oh, you'll find it someday!" Now it's like, oh, there's a reason for that. But I still hope I find something. I hope you find something, too.

 

 

Thank you, I do too.  It is just hard to imagine what it could be.

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As much of a bummer as it is, it's kind of nice to know I'm not alone. I'm trying to experiment with different things that I think interest me, but I am worried my attention will waver and I'll just give up. My only real goal right now is to keep working on the same projects at least twice a week. Keep holding out. I'll try to hold out, too.

 

Thank you :-) I love squids. I like your username, too! When I first saw it, I had to try saying it out loud and screwed up. Sheshellssheshells… dammit.

 

 

It's a plan.  And you can call me shells if that's easier.

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i have to go get that lovely yearly women's exam (well it should be yearly unless you're me and avoid it for ten years) this afternoon.  i am so anxious i can't see.  please dear lord don't let me start crying during the exam.  i've met the nurse that's going to do it it before and she's lovely, we've just never done THIS before.  i'm somewhere between whimpering and screaming my head off.  it will be all over in a few hours... uggggggghhh.

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i have to go get that lovely yearly women's exam (well it should be yearly unless you're me and avoid it for ten years) this afternoon.  i am so anxious i can't see.  please dear lord don't let me start crying during the exam.  i've met the nurse that's going to do it it before and she's lovely, we've just never done THIS before.  i'm somewhere between whimpering and screaming my head off.  it will be all over in a few hours... uggggggghhh.

Oh I'm so sorry! I hope it goes smoothly and will be over before you know it!

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Yesterday I met up with a friend.  We went and got mani/pedis, then to the movies and a stop in a shop where I bought a mug that made me laugh.  (I was chastised for "wasting my money" on the mug when I got home.)  It was good to get out and socialize, which I don't do nearly enough but have really been working on building friendships over the past months.  So that's progress, but the amount of money I spent on the excursion was not so good.

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i have to go get that lovely yearly women's exam (well it should be yearly unless you're me and avoid it for ten years) this afternoon.  i am so anxious i can't see.  please dear lord don't let me start crying during the exam.  i've met the nurse that's going to do it it before and she's lovely, we've just never done THIS before.  i'm somewhere between whimpering and screaming my head off.  it will be all over in a few hours... uggggggghhh.

Oh I'm so sorry! I hope it goes smoothly and will be over before you know it!

 

thank you Cheesie :)  it is indeed all over now and i didn't even cry!

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I miss playing music loud on my sound system, I literally do it 24/7. It's what my family and friends know me by, I haven't done it in days now though, I feel like it would be pointless and tiresome. I also keep imagining/having thoughts I'll find my body somewhere, the actual me, curled up somewhere and dead but satisfied because I found myself at least. There I am/was .... not sure how to label these feelings or thoughts.

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Oh lysergia! I'm so glad it is all over for you. I was worried. Thank you for keeping us updated. It's a good feeling when you know you are done with it.

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Oh damn.  I've gained weight again and now my pants aren't fitting me.   I have to go up almost two sizes.   The timing is so bad; the weather is finally nice and I can't wear my favorite clothes.   Ugh.  

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I've been struggling with this for what seems like forever but I'm convinced I'm a loser. My job doesn't pay much and I can't contribute financially to my relationship as I want. My bipolar affects not just me but those around me, especially my wife. I can't help but feel that she's too good for me. I feel like it would be better if I disappeared.

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I miss playing music loud on my sound system, I literally do it 24/7. It's what my family and friends know me by, I haven't done it in days now though, I feel like it would be pointless and tiresome. I also keep imagining/having thoughts I'll find my body somewhere, the actual me, curled up somewhere and dead but satisfied because I found myself at least. There I am/was .... not sure how to label these feelings or thoughts.

Was the same here. But I now just have stop limit max. 8 hours a day and in the weekend just 4 hours but as reward extra loud hahahahahaha...   :D

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I'm all over the place lately. Up down up down up down. Losing it!!!

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I know I'm on too many meds, but I feel good. I'm very nervous about changing anything. 

I often feel the same way, but I try to look at it as if they're keeping me stable then there's just the right amount. 

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I know I'm on too many meds, but I feel good. I'm very nervous about changing anything. 

 

If you feel good, why are you changing anything?

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I'm not sure what's been going on with me.  I've been feeling down the past couple of days even though I upped my AD.  I haven't felt like doing much of anything but lying in bed and watching "Murder, She Wrote" reruns.  For some reason they comfort me.  I didn't go to work today.  I'm by myself in the house through the weekend, which seems to make a difference.

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I feel the worst I have felt in...a long time. But it's weird b/c it doesn't feel so comparable, in the sense that what's happening is not the same. I know I'm depressed, but it just doesn't feel like my "regular" depressions. I've been feeling off since October of last year when I tried a PHP again, but ended up overdosing in the bathroom of the building and being IP for a week. After that I tried a few different medications, tried to fix things, but nothing worked. I've been mostly unmedicated since and I know that doesn't help, but I am so exhausted. So tired of the constant med trials and seeing no change or ending up worse in one way or another. I did use/am using some recreational drugs just to get out of my head sometimes. I ended up with some psychosis, possibly related to drug use but it's not for certain, though I know I probably made things worse. I'm just tired of being on the edge, ready to die at a moment's notice when it becomes too much.

 

My pdoc is great though and understands I can't handle the off and on of medications anymore so I'm getting referred for ECT treatment shortly. I haven't tried literally every medication out there, but I just don't have that kind of time anymore. I get worse every day and something has to give. I guess people are seeing it as drastic or sudden, but I've been mentally ill at least since I was 12. Things are not getting better, and are in fact getting worse. I have to do something about it.

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I feel the worst I have felt in...a long time. But it's weird b/c it doesn't feel so comparable, in the sense that what's happening is not the same. I know I'm depressed, but it just doesn't feel like my "regular" depressions. I've been feeling off since October of last year when I tried a PHP again, but ended up overdosing in the bathroom of the building and being IP for a week. After that I tried a few different medications, tried to fix things, but nothing worked. I've been mostly unmedicated since and I know that doesn't help, but I am so exhausted. So tired of the constant med trials and seeing no change or ending up worse in one way or another. I did use/am using some recreational drugs just to get out of my head sometimes. I ended up with some psychosis, possibly related to drug use but it's not for certain, though I know I probably made things worse. I'm just tired of being on the edge, ready to die at a moment's notice when it becomes too much.

 

My pdoc is great though and understands I can't handle the off and on of medications anymore so I'm getting referred for ECT treatment shortly. I haven't tried literally every medication out there, but I just don't have that kind of time anymore. I get worse every day and something has to give. I guess people are seeing it as drastic or sudden, but I've been mentally ill at least since I was 12. Things are not getting better, and are in fact getting worse. I have to do something about it.

 

That situation blows, I'm sorry. I was never into recreation drugs, but I'd binge drink whenever I was spiraling just so I could feel something. That's great that you have such a good brain doc, though. They're hard to find. I hope the ECT goes well for you, I've heard it can be very helpful.

Edited by cutegiantsquid

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