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Slightly hypomanic, and need reassurance


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My doctor recently advised me to move from 5 mg of Celexa to 2.5 mg. I have a high drug sensitivity and so even though 5 mg sounds like a teensy amount, it's been exhausting to take that much.  For  while there, it seemed like the only place I wasn't falling asleep was in bed.  She also advised me to take fish oil and Vitamin B- complex to heighten my energy level.

 

It seems like this is helping. However, I now feel a bit hypomanic. It's still at the controllable level, but I don't want it to get any worse. For the past week or so, my moods have been all over due to family stuff, which hasn't helped. I've been in phone contact with both of my parents, and as usual, both of them have said things designed to get under my armor and make me feel like a failure and a piece of shit. So while on one hand this has been a week of incredible growth and involved the dissipation of much of my anger, I woke up this afternoon feeling, well, crappy. 

 

Feeling less than perfect and full of self-doubt regarding my own competence is a trigger for me, and I'm a bit worried right now. I'm well enough to know that I am a genuinely good but flawed person and that I don't have to be nice, kind, helpful, accommodating, or striving for perfection all the time. However, because of the change in medicine levels and getting none-too-subtle digs from my concern-troll parents, my mind is choosing the 'safer' of its two extremes: it's moving towards hyper-competence rather than sinking moodiness and depression.

 

I know how this story usually ends- it ends with me pushing and pushing to prove to myself and everybody nearby that I'm not feeling any self-doubt or emotional pain, revving up my levels of physical activity to impossible levels, and then crashing really badly. But I don't want this cycle to occur this time. So, could  I have a little reassurance, please? I really need it right now, and it's very hard for me to even sit here and write this (part of me is getting angry at myself right at this moment for daring to admit that I need kindness or sympathy, because it wrongly perceives this as weakness rather than honesty and strength).

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from reading your posts and topics here I can tell you're an

interesting,articulate woman.many of us relate to your posts.

 

family is extremely stressful.I now take low dose klonopin for the first time when I

have to see them.I become that child again.

I love them and all,I just cant take it.

 

just wanted to say hi real quick when I saw your post.

I'll check back with you soon in this thread.

peace.

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I'm sorry that you are struggling a bit.  It sounds like you're doing a good job of coping and positive self-talk, although you do seem hard on yourself.  When I'm having trouble, I like to do passive muscle relaxation.  Here is an example:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcjTF5BxKdo&noredirect=1  It helps quiet my mind and body.  Be gentle with yourself.

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I'm sorry that you are struggling a bit.  It sounds like you're doing a good job of coping and positive self-talk, although you do seem hard on yourself.  When I'm having trouble, I like to do passive muscle relaxation.  Here is an example:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcjTF5BxKdo&noredirect=1  It helps quiet my mind and body.  Be gentle with yourself.

Thank you. It worked like a charm. And yes, I am hard on myself. 

 

I treated myself today by getting a new printer. I live from paycheck to paycheck, but am trying to get up the energy to look for better paying work so I can start to save.

 

My father, who thinks money solves everything, sent me $50 which was just enough for a refurbished printer.  It should be arriving in a few days. I'm trying to fix up my office space so that it's more pleasant and useful since I spend a lot of time here. While I could live with my old printer, it's nice to get one where the feeder is working; I broke that part of my machine a few months ago and while it 's just been inconvenient, having a printer that works in every way is very nice.  The next item on my wish list is a new phone (I know it's a splurge, but I intend to get the new iPhone; my phone is my lifeline for work, and the apps make my life so much easier) and possibly a cheap office chair. Besides, getting the new phone when it comes out means that I won't need a new phone for at least three years. I still have my 3GS and it works great, but it's a bit slow and runs out of juice more quickly than it used to. Then it's all about saving the money I need to move out of state. Some of that will come from selling some of my stuff. I finally feel well enough to make concrete plans. 

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I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. It's too bad that your parents put so much negativity into your life. That must really stink.

 

Just wanted to offer my support and reassurance. I hope you start feeling better soon!

 

Thank you, Cheese. I just feel guilty sometimes. I'm on a small amount of meds and I feel so grateful that I can work, whereas I see some people who are truly miserable from their illnesses and struggling so much more. While I've come close to eviction, I was able to pull out of it. So I feel like I have no right to complain. Yet sometimes it gets way to hard to live inside my head, and I get so tired.

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