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Back on the damn meds


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So a year ago I knew I don't have Bipolar  - it is all a hoax!!!   Taking uppers and downers and stabilizers? If I leave EVERYTHING, I should be fine.

 

So in the meantime, everything went wrong, in the most awful way.  

 

And I freeked out.

 

So to cut a long story short  - I started the Lamictal and the Wellbutron again this evening.  naf

 

I was just not prepared for the extreme, emotional distress it would bring, having to go back on the medication.

 

Anyone out there been through this?


OH god, I need to change the signature and stuff. 

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Karin, I don't usually comment on the Bipolar forum since we are a first-person site, but I wanted to welcome you back to Crazyboards.  I'm sorry you had such an awful time this past year, and I hope going back on your meds will help.

 

I seem to remember that you had a blog.  Why don't you start it up again----some of us will comment, and it will be a place to talk about what you are experiencing.

 

I'm glad you came back to hang out with us.

 

olga

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I went off before, thinking it was a single episode of depression. Learned later that I was quite wrong and had to go back on. And now I'm sure I'm on for good. I don't like the thought of taking meds for the rest of my life and I don't like the thought of having to take them period. I don't like having a mental illness...I hate it to be honest...because the stigma is high and the lack of understanding is significant.

 

So yes, I hear you on the having to go back on meds issue.

 

Like olga mentioned, blogs can be a good way to get out some of the feelings and crap that you're going through/have been through.

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Hey, Karin! I remember you! 

 

I'm sorry it didn't go well without the meds, but hopefully it gets better WITH them. 

 

Wanted to say "HI!" as well. I think I was pretty much a newbie here when you left, ha ha. I used to read your blog though, I remember that! 

 

I haven't been off them since I started them. I can't imagine what that's like. I am sorry it didn't work out for you. I know you wanted it too.

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You know, I'd bet that almost every single person that has BP has known, without a shadow of a doubt, that they don't need meds. It happens to us all. Sometimes it'll work for a while. Sometimes it all comes crashing down shortly after stopping meds. The thing about BP is that sooner or later, you've got to come to the realization that it's real, there isn't a cure, and that the only way to deal with it is to take the meds.

 

I've done the "I don't need meds" thing a lot. It took me a heck of a long time and a lot of instability to get it through my head that, yes, I do have BP and more times than not, I'm going to need meds to remain stable. I have, at times, been able to manage without meds. Sometimes for several years. The thing is, I have to keep track of my warning signs and be willing to start meds as soon as things start to go badly. I also see my pdoc weekly. I've been seeing him for so many years now that he'll pick up on some of the more subtle changes before I notice a thing.

 

Welcome back. 

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I went off all my meds last year when I was experiencing an allergy thing (hives) that I thought could be due to meds. I was also pretty depressed. I kinda thought, well they aren't keeping me truly stable anyhow and I was desperate for the hives to go away. I just got even more depressed and had to move back with my mother. It took starting multiple meds to get me to even sort of okay, which is where I am now a year later. I think had I not gone off my meds in the first place, maybe I wouldn't have sunk so low for so long. 

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I had the good fortune (?) of watching lots of my father's patients quit meds, over and over and over again. The results are never good. So I have never *quit* meds, although there have been times when I'm less compliant than others. The month before our move, I was just so stressed and freaked and sick (migraines), that even though I was using a pill box, I would just flat out forget to even look at it.

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So far I am one of those BP folk who has never become convinced that I did not need meds.  Granted there were times in my life before where I was already certain, or became certain after a failed AD attempt.  But the batshit episode that preceded my BP diagnosis kind of left me without a shadow of a doubt and scared me shitless.  So I'm pretty certain I'm staying on my meds.  I even take them religiously during breakthrough episodes.

 

ADHD meds I can have issues with, remembering to take them, and if I get depressed I can get into some mindset where... not that I don't need them... more like that "what's the point?" depression thing just takes over regarding my stimulant.  Which is funny 'cause the stim could help with the depression.  Anyway.  Luckily have not encountered this yet with my mood stabilizer, seeking treatment in episodes, or my other meds (okay beyond the usual "OMG ANXIETY AM I NOT ANXIOUS ENOUGH TO TAKE THIS MED GAAAAHHH."  But I learned that this means YES I NEED IT.)

 

I'm sorry to hear that things have been so rough for you, I hope they go on and become easier now.

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I have gone off meds multiple times without a pdoc's approval and consent. I don't know why I do this. I guess it's impulsive and that is a part of mania. And times when I think they just aren't working so why the heck am I taking them in the first place. I feel euphoric mostly when manic (although at times I experience extreme agitation). This feels so good that I begin to think this is the real me. My husband helps me see the reality of the situation though and makes me take them and not skip any doses.

I have found that I'm scared of withdrawal symptoms as well. That sometimes also scares me into taking them.

It's also scary in that if I miss a few days of meds how I become more symptomatic so soon. This also keeps me from skipping doses.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I have been off my meds most of this month. I thought I would be fine. I was wrong. AGAIN. I can't seem to get it through my thick skull that I might have fun for a couple of weeks after I stop, but that it all will come crashing down upon me eventually. Now I am eradicating to being back on again. Fun times with the ability jitters.

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