I've posted on this topic before, because I'm really wondering why this is happening to me, but not on other people that have been on higher-dose stimulants (without breaks) for MUCH longer....
I re-instated Ritalin (after a 4 month break) due to increase in work cognitive tasks. Pdoc increased the dosage because previous dose was starting to not cut it, wearing off early. I Was told I could experiment, but to take weekends/breaks off in order to "rest" . In the last 3 weeks, I've noticed drastic improvements in my mood, motivation, ability to focus on intellectual tasks/reading, and a positivity, calmness in general.
Problem is, I am psychologically addicted. When I try to break on the weekends, I can't get out of bed, barely prepare food for myself (despite hunger), and shower, basically, these symptoms are MUCH worse than before I was taking it! I'm concerned that I'll need to keep increasing the dose, take it everyday, and eventually, it will make my condition/functioning worse in the long run (exacerbating the problem). I had old pdocs that would not prescribe me stimulants for exactly this reason.....(I am not ADD.....it is for TRD.)
Any ideas guys? I'm very compliant, and have no inclination to abuse the dosage. This is the only thing that's made a dent in my mood and functioning and does not seem like a long-term solution!
National Public Radio recently ran a story covering a Standford University study that found that Ketamine may act as an opioid, and therefore may have the potential to cause addiction. See? It's like I always say: Glass half empty. But this is a preliminary study, and the findings will have to be duplicated by others.
Listen to the story.
So, I guess this post is about how I can deal with this issue...My SO is on his iPhone 24/7, even while walking down the street, eating meals with me, and when we are watching TV or a film at home. I cannot get him to get off it! I look over his shoulder and its crap (not important stuff), like stupid memes, Twitter feed, sports scores.
I've told him constantly that it really irritates me and makes me feel like I do not matter. I feel ignored. Yet he keeps going back on it. What else can I do??? Then I start going on my iPhone too, and this gets me depressed. I try to go out, and keep myself occupied away from him, but then when we're together he's non-stop digitally connected.
I woke up this morning, feeling panic overwhelming me over a negative response from my neighbor. The emotion I am experiencing is deep distress and I can feel it internally crushing me. I am not coping at all well with this.
I find myself drawn to her because we share a common trauma background. Sometimes she comes to my apartment just to talk about all this and I feel soo connected to her. I am beginning to come to the conclusion that she has some borderline traits in her - it's the push away and suddenly pull back. She acts like she hates me and suddenly she loves me and tells me so. When she pushes away, it's an awful experience and leaves me an emotional wreck. Then she will come back and saturate me with her needs to talk about soo many things where I live, her emotional instability issues, etc. I sit and listen and we talk and I feel better after she leaves and we are finally getting along, only to be assaulted again verbally from her and weeks go by and she ignores me.
Another odd thing about her. With this intimate friendship I have with her (Intimate meaning sharing of like experiences), she will call on my cell or text me but when she is out and about with her friends (she only goes out in public with her friends), she ignores me and so do they.
So, this morning I am experiencing her pushing me away violently last night.
I am drawn to this behavior from her, as it feeds into my cycle of abuse history. I used to go back to my mother just to be abused. I would call her and she would act delighted to hear from me and tell me how much she loves me, only moments later to go for the jugular. I would walk away from that telephone conversation feeling completely ruined. This is what is occurring with my neighbor, I am in the dance of abuse with her and I don't know how to get out of it. Even just recognizing what is really going on, I can't seem to extricate myself from her.
I block her telephone calls and texting one minute and then open it back up. Last night I shut off my phone so that I would not be tempted to read any lingering texts from her and react to it. This morning when I turned on my phone, she did not respond to my last text to her and I was disappointed and fearful what she must be saying behind my back to her 4 close friends.
I live in fear of her and in fear of myself when she abuses me. It takes alot of work to pick myself back up each time.
I've been in therapy for 5 years. Also medicated. I have a good job. I have a supportive husband. I have a home. But years of abuse and insanity still get the better of me sometimes and I feel like I don't deserve anything good, or that people will "find out" that I am a horrible person (I have bad elements and good), and I still have days/weeks. when I am extremely self destructive. The current incarnation is that (a) I am fighting dwindling self consciousnes and social awkwardness, - all part of myregular repertoire - but now (b) for no reason whatsoever I am fighting against the development of an eating disorder, which is a new development in my crazy. I am in my late forties. WTH, brain? WHY? Why do I do this to myself?