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I'm having near constant suicidal thoughts... thoughts such as:

 

--Everything is hopeless

--I have no future

--Everything is dark, the world is cold, and I am alone

--Nobody understands me

--I'd be better off dead

--I wish I were never born

--Who will miss me? What will they say about me after I'm dead? 

 

And just a feeling like the life force is being sucked out of me... like I am weighted down and nothing can help me... 

 

I tell myself I won't act on these thoughts out of fear and shame. But how do you know if you can REALLY trust yourself? Is it time for me to go back to the doctor and admit these problems? I fear hospitalization GREATLY... should I put this fear aside and just be honest any way?

 

I feel like my life is over... I really don't have a future... I never had one... and nothing will change... :(

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surreal, those thoughts are your disease talking to you, trying to cause you pain. You don't deserve to be in pain. If you are really in fear of acting on the thoughts call a crisis line and speak to someone. If you don't have an immediate need then see if you can find a treatment that works with both a pdoc and a tdoc. 

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Hi Surreal,

 

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low right now. I can really relate to a lot of those thoughts and struggle with them myself. I think going back to doctor is the right thing to do in this situation. I have expressed suicidal thoughts to my doctors many times over the years and have never been forced into hospital. I believe they sometimes do commit people who state that they have a specific, concrete plan to kill themselves.

 

For example, "I will shoot myself with the gun I keep in my nightstand at six o'clock tonight" may get you committed, but "I have passing thoughts of suicide" is unlikely to. They ask some follow up questions to determine if you do have a specific, concrete plan and a strong intent to follow through but so long as you don't, and it doesn't sound like you do, you won't be forced into hospital.

 

You do sound really depressed, and I think most depressed people have these same thoughts, whether they are true or not. It might help to remind yourself that you are suffering from an illness, one that lies to you. It's very hard to reality check those thoughts when you're really deep in the pit, but it might help to try anyhow. I think getting yourself some psychiatric care should be your number one priority right now. If the fear of being hospitalized is too strong for you to go to the doctor consider focusing on indicators of your mood other than suicidal thoughts when you go. It would be better to go and leave that part out than to not go at all IMO.

 

I really hope you get some help and start to feel better soon, Surreal.

 

Best of luck.

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surreal, i have had exactly the same thoughts as you, and no hospitalizations.

given that you've mentioned the following previously:
"I am already enrolled in a state behavioral health clinic that I only have to pay $2 for each visit at. Plus they help keep me signed up for discounted meds ($6 per script). I also have access to in-patient hospitalization for no-cost at all to me if I ever need it (been there twice and it yes, it's completely free for me) so no, clinic is not the problem even though I do not have health insurance at all."

 

it sounds like a visit to that clinic could well be the way to go. you're not on meds at the moment, and i found an antipsychotic really helped me with the suicidal thoughts - you just need to find what is going to work for you. i'm also wondering if it could be worthwhile to explore if you might have something else such as borderline personality disorder - that's something that the clinic can hopefully check.

 

it just sounds like you're dealing with a hell of a lot yourself right now, and you really need some supports.

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I think I know what you mean about not knowing whether you can prevent yourself from harm or not.  That is when I go IP.  I've been IP three times in a year and half and, depending on the hospital, it can be a very positive thing to do.

 

They keep you safe and there's a lot to be said for that.

 

One of the hospitals I went to (a local one) didn't have a lot to offer in terms of patient education, but they kept me safe and gave me the break I needed.  The other hospital I went to was much better and had lots of classes, support groups, occupational therapy, recreational therapy, etc.

 

I say all this to try to allay your fears about going into the hospital as it sounds like you might need it.  When you don't know if you can control your urges, its best to let your pdoc and/or tdoc know and get their advice about what to do next.

 

I wish you peace and hope you talk with your doctor soon.

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Hi surreal. Sorry you are feeling so despondent. I hope this passes soon.

And yes, I think it would be a good idea to get back on meds. Did you have an appointment yet with a pdoc? I'm sorry I can't remember ATM. If not, please make one. I really think getting back on meds and getting treatment will be a positive thing in your life.

 

Please take care.

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I am in no position to say whether or not you need to be hospitalized. But when I have those types of thoughts, I consider that "passively suicidal;" I want to die, but I don't want to have to actually make a plan and do it. Another thought I *always* have is, "I hope I die in my sleep." So it's not like I'm ready to act, I am just hoping it will happen somehow.

 

The one time I was truly actively suicidal, I made plans, picked out "weapons (knives)," and made purchases to help me do it. I'm lucky that was the only time, but it was distinctly different, and there was a lot more noise in my head, like LOUD noise, that didn't let me access any thoughts but how much I wanted my plans to succeed. That was my experience. I should have been hospitalized, and my pdoc technically wanted me to go inpatient, but I was uninsured, and the hospital I would have been taken to was really, really bad. I still should have gone in, but I listened to him. Fortunately, I made it through that time.

 

This is stupid, but the first time I heard the opening to "Raspberry Swirl" by Tori Amos, I thought it sounded a lot like the noise that was going on in my head during that episode.

 

I am not going to post the actual video, it is a little disturbing:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQjvogbZyLQ

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This is stupid, but the first time I heard the opening to "Raspberry Swirl" by Tori Amos, I thought it sounded a lot like the noise that was going on in my head during that episode.

 

I am not going to post the actual video, it is a little disturbing

I've had that noise in my head too. Sounds exactly like my thoughts when I'm at my lowest and have decided to end it. Like frantic, desperate despair.

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