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Ever Feel Like You Aren't As Bad Off As They Say?


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I feel like sometimes when I'm symptomatic I don't realize just how bad I am.

For example yesterday evening I must have been talking fast and hyper because my husband made a comment that I must be really manic. I was like, whoa hold the boat. I don't think that I was that obviously symptomatic. I really think that I'm just in my normal state more and more.

I try and blame other things too that seem and are improbable. Like oh I had one cup of coffee in the early AM and that is why I can't sleep during the night. When in reality I am used to drinking more caffeinated beverages to get me going in the morning. And not to mention that the caffeine has worn off by then.

I find it hard too when I try to be honest with my pdoc. I don't lie but I don't tell the whole truth either like reporting symptoms.

Can anyone else relate? And what can cause this?

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I've never really been hypomanic and known that I was at the time. When I'm depressed I generally know I am but don't accept how badly I am. I feel like that would be too forgiving and I hate myself at those times so I just think, "Am I really unwell right now? No I'm just weak, lazy and pathetic". I even fear that I'm not sick and I'm putting it all on for attention or pity or to avoid responsibility. So yeah, up or down, I often don't realize how bad it is.

 

Also, I think sometimes when there is a mood shift, at first it can be more obvious to other people than to the person themselves. I think that can be to do with the way different symptoms show up first and how we gauge our own stability. And some behavioral signs are more noticeable to others, the way we walk, talk, speak etc.

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i feel like that when i am hypomanic but not so much when i am depressed.  i feel like i am talking normally but my famiily is looking at me funny and they're acting all defensive which probably means i am being nasty or something but i'm not trying, i'm just saying what i think and i guess i don't always do that so much.

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I definitely lack insight when hypomanic. I blame it on everything else, everyone else and I sometimes go into some kind of denial about it. During my 3 month long hypomania, I kept saying that I was normal, this is how I am normally, this is just me being a good student. Meanwhile, I was acting like a crazy person.

 

I get exactly the same as Mcjimjam when I'm depressed. I blame it on me being weak, lazy and pathetic. And I worry I'm just putting it on for attention.

 

When I'm psychotic, I get all secretive and don't tell anyone what's going on. But then, as the psychosis progresses, I start to tell everyone about my delusions as if it's totally normal. I fade in and out of insight when I'm psychotic. 

 

So, I often don't realize how bad off I am. It isn't till I'm out of the episode that I'm like "Whoa, that shit was cray." 

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I actually feel the opposite, somehow. Everyone will talk about how well I'm doing and I'm like "Uh, not really, kinda feel more insane than I ever have in my life, but thanks."

 

I have decent insight into the hypomania, simply because my MI has been mostly anxious/depressed until I was 21, 6 years ago. Since then, I've probably been hypo like, 4-5 times, I guess. It's so DIFFERENT from what I was used to. I know I'm not euphoric usually, not full of energy, not social, my thoughts don't go a million miles a minute, I can usually sit in the same place for hours and it doesn't bug me at all. So it usually takes a few days of thinking "oh it's just a really good mood" before I realize like "This is a fucking PROBLEM." It's just strange for me to be irritable, reactive as shit and hyper as fuck. I am much like a sloth. . . on benzos. 

 

The depression, eh. I don't really know what that looks like because I'm so fucking used to it. It takes a long time before I realize how bad THAT is. 

 

I think I present really well while manic. I apparently look as though I'm functioning, I'm happy, I'm talkative, etc. And most people who only see that shit an hour a week and don't live with me think this is GREAT. But they just didn't happen to piss me off in that hour, ha ha. Didn't they notice that I'm squirming and can't quit moving? They don't know that I'm only sleeping three hours a night at most. Like I said, I think I present well.

 

I think I do it all the time. Even when really depressed. 

 

So I kinda hide the depressed shit as well as I can and no, no one knows how bad I am at all.

 

When I'm hypo, people are like "what the hell is wrong with being happy?" ha ha.

 

I'd prefer it this way, honestly. And I don't express how horrible either pole is to p-doc as well as I can, I guess. It's just not. . . I don't like whining too much to people in my life. I NEED to to the professionals, though. That would probably be in my best interest.

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I know I am really weird, but I rarely experience lack of insight. I double checked with my husband just now, and he says I always know something is wrong before he does. I may misinterpret symptoms, but I always know something is wrong.

 

But I do suffer the "I'm not that bad" syndrome. I finally started adding up things my pdocs have said: You have to work part time; you are a difficult case to treat; over the last few years you have gotten worse; you need to try to lessen stress to almost zero, etc. It is hard for me to think I am a "difficult" case, because I so rarely am even considered for IOP, let alone hospitalization. But I guess that is where the good insight kicks in. Even when I am really crazy, there is some point I say, "Wait, this isn't right." I guess that is why I tend to stay out of major trouble.

 

Having finally experienced psychotic features made me rethink things. And now, sometimes when I am really stressed, I hear voices. Not as badly as last summer, by any stretch of the imagination, but I definitely hear them. I few weeks ago, I made my husband follow me around the house, asking him if he heard what I was hearing. Nope. My digestive system strongly objects to these incidents.

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I feel like sometimes when I'm symptomatic I don't realize just how bad I am.

 

I'm kind of the same way at first, but certain things will "tip" me off that I am  hypo, like the increased energy and mind racing.  Then I realize what is happening to me and deal with it the best I can.

 

 

I find it hard too when I try to be honest with my pdoc. I don't lie but I don't tell the whole truth either like reporting symptoms.

 

I'm the opposite; I tell my pdoc everything because sometimes he sees/notices things that I don't when I am symptomatic and kind of gets me back into reality.

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I can relate to what you guys have posted about a lot. I also found the other points of view helpful as well. I can see both sides of the coin now.

I will try to be more completely honest with my pdoc too. Maybe part of the problem is that I have only met with him twice and we haven't established an adequate patient doctor relationship yet. And this is the third pdoc I've had since maybe 2009??? It's hard to get used to new pdoc's.

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There's a lot to resonate with in this thread.

 

I find that my relationship with self-awareness has been highly variable since I've been diagnosed--it comes and it goes--but it is not for a lack of trying to figure it all out, as I analyze myself at every turn. Even then I still get sideswiped by radical shifts in my mood, disposition, energy levels, sociability; and I am coming to realize that I am not the best judge of myself as imbalances are occurring.

 

My problem is that I start to doubt my diagnosis once I've been living within a "normal" range for any prolonged period of time, say a few good months. Most of my adult life has been dominated by rapid cycling, but I had no way to interpret that until I had a pdoc sit with me and comb through my thoughts and behaviour in detail. A three or four month period without severe oscillation grants me enough leeway to begin to think that my illness is either misdiagnosed, overblown, or fabricated. Which I know isn't the case in the smarty-pants region of my brain, but the empathic cynic portion of my mind begins to suspect that I've made everything up, and that I'm just a person with weak character desperately seeking attention.

 

Consequently, I have a tendency to downplay what I'm going through to everyone around me, and I shut my life into compartments, where I only see and interact with people who are familiar with me in whatever mode I'm experiencing. My brain is very sneaky, and it doesn't disclose all of its plans to my consciousness. I just sort of quietly, progressively fall into negative patterns and tell myself that I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be. "Sure this might not be ideal, but it's not like before there were prescription drugs!" Depression and mixed states have been the more familiar demons this past year. They make themselves at home, or I in them (I'm not really sure which way it works), and then, one day, I wake up and realize that I've been acutely miserable for ages, and that I've been doing many self-destructive things.

 

And then the tempest in the teapot explodes, and everyone pays attention--including myself.

 

I've been writing myself letters from this last episode, trying to educate my future self what I should be looking out for. As well as my friends.

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Sometimes my mood shifts sneak up on me. But usually I can feel them coming. My mood journal (which is now a mood tracking app on my phone) gives me some insight into what's going on in my head. B/c sometimes I don't realize what IS going on in there! I am very straightforward with my pdoc & especially so with my tdoc, which helps a lot. My tdoc is the one that notices some things before I do.

I check in regularly with my bf so he has learned what signals to watch out for. For me there seems to be a fine line between mania and "normal" so I look out for that more than the depression.

I had slipped into depression a couple months ago and it totally snuck up on me. It had been a while so i forgot to take note of my symptoms. The mood (and med) journals have been tremendous aids in catching things before I get totally out of my tree.

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I really only have insight when I'm depressed. As bad as I get it's kind of hard to ignore.  When I'm psychotic I have just enough insight to tell that things aren't quite right and that it will probably upset those around me. That doesn't stop my from continuing to believe my delusions, however. I never have enough insight for that.

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My self awareness has grown. I definitely pick up on emerging manic episodes (like now!) much more easily - however I do not know how to manage or deal with them yet ... ride them out ? lol

 

As far as depressive episodes ? I was asked to rate 1-10 my depression at IOP recently. I told her it isn't as bad as it has been "I just didn't care if I live or die, or about anything" 

 

Her reply was "That would be a 10" 

 

I was thinking, really ? What the hell were my episodes I considered serious depression ... 100's ? 

 

I dunno, I think we cope much better than society gives us credit for. If an average person stepped in our shoes for a month or two they would be so grateful for their problems. But it makes us more resilient over time if we learn to adapt and admit our weaknesses, which is hard .. But necessary in order to recover. It is what I am doing now. So I can FIND my STRENGTHS ! It sucks right now because I keep trying to do things I used to do ... Anyways, I'm off topic now ... But yeah, it is easy to not be able to tell how bad you are "even with the right insight"

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I tend to present well even when symptomatic and, I believe, it has affected how Dr.'s view me and decide on my dx and medications.  I try to be honest and forthright with my new Dr. but sometimes it can be difficult; I don't remember very well how I've been doing week after week.  

 

I tend to rapid cycle so I may be hypomanic in the morning, to depressed the next day, to feeling symptom free the day after.  It can be difficult to distinguish my moods on a weekly basis much less wait a month or more to report how doing to my Dr.

 

I use to use a mood chart app but I don't remember which one I used.  Does anyone have an app they could recommend for me? 

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I dunno, I think we cope much better than society gives us credit for. If an average person stepped in our shoes for a month or two they would be so grateful for their problems. But it makes us more resilient over time if we learn to adapt and admit our weaknesses, which is hard .. But necessary in order to recover. It is what I am doing now. So I can FIND my STRENGTHS ! It sucks right now because I keep trying to do things I used to do ... Anyways, I'm off topic now ... But yeah, it is easy to not be able to tell how bad you are "even with the right insight"

Thanks for sharing this-really needed to hear it right now. I need to remember my strengths instead of focusing on my weaknesses.

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I dunno, I think we cope much better than society gives us credit for. If an average person stepped in our shoes for a month or two they would be so grateful for their problems. But it makes us more resilient over time if we learn to adapt and admit our weaknesses, which is hard .. But necessary in order to recover. It is what I am doing now. So I can FIND my STRENGTHS ! It sucks right now because I keep trying to do things I used to do ... Anyways, I'm off topic now ... But yeah, it is easy to not be able to tell how bad you are "even with the right insight"

Thanks for sharing this-really needed to hear it right now. I need to remember my strengths instead of focusing on my weaknesses.

 

 

Absolutely. Simple but not easy. Effective as all hell though :)

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