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So Mom took me in as I was about to go homless, which I am grateful for. 

 

I am not in a mid sized town where most intensive treatment is IOP 2 hours a week with a dual diagnosis group starting soon that is another two hours a week.

 

After my last hospital stay the IOP there kicked me to this facility because my living arrangements changed. 

 

Today, Mom gets frustrated as all shit at me. Mainly because I have been in a depressed phase. Same old shit I have gotten for years "You just do it when you are depressed" 

 

I just put myself through a very stressful weekend. 

 

1) Friday spend time with ex (trying to mend relationship)

2) Saturday spent time with daughter

3) Daughter again plus family event (20 + people) and have extreme social anxiety

 

On top of all this I did it during a depressive episode. I was actually proud of myself. However I got the "I am not doing enough" talk about 15 minutes ago from Mom. I explained I want to be independent. She said it isn't about that. She also claims I have been talking about being BP for years, which I don't remember EVER doing. I guess it is possible but more likely she thought it on her own as we practically cut off communication the last 5-6 years. She did see and hear the cycles though obviously. Also I told her continously about depressive episodes, never complained when I was manic though ... EVER !

 

Now she is just plain and simple frustrated. Feels I am not doing enough. Doesn't want to talk to me about it. However admits she doesn't have answers for me. I also told her one of my medications is out soon from last hospital stay  (AP - Saphris) and I may end up back there, she had no comment on that. 

 

Her main question was if I was depressed all this time how come she never knew ? Well, geez Mom .. We went 4 month periods without talking. Wonder why ? I was in fucking bed ... Or avoiding the entire world. Anyone close to me the last 3 years knows I have some major issues to deal with. She still "THINKS" but doesn't shove it down my throat entirely that I just need to push through this. 

 

There is no understanding of what it is like when I put myself in social situations too much. The psychotic bouts it causes. The extreme anxiety. Who wants to PUT themselves in that situation ? 

 

I do admit however I need to find a balance. I slip into depression if I don't do enough. If I do too much I get psychotic ... This is where proper meds come into play, and I have no choice but to wait and deal with her anger building. God, she was just so frustrated. Not sure if it was because she doesn't want to believe I am as bad as I am or if she thinks I am making mistakes. My guess is she thinks I am making too many mistakes in my lifestyle. I understand from her perspective why she THINKS that way. However, when you walk in my shoes it is a different situation. Let her deal with psychotic bouts when she pushes herself. Let her hate being around loved ones because the way "it makes her feel" ... I don't want this ... I hate this life. I want a good therapist, a good psych, and disability so I can work towards independence and getting into the work release program once stabilized. 

 

It just feels like everything is going in the opposite direction than it should be. Stale mates all over the place. Wait to see a doc to get better. Need to get better to keep the peace here. I even told her I make myself as discrete as possible here. She had no response to that. I believe she is concerned genuinely. I just don't think she believes it is as bad as it is. I think she thinks I can push myself through it more than I actually can. 

 

Weird thing is people who have spent the last 3 years with me in AA have seen the way I am. They understand. They don't respect me per say, but they see it and believe it. The people where I volunteered a few hours are very accepting. Other people are. She is not. I will never be able to live up to her expectations as she sees the potential I had when I was younger and had mental clarity. 

 

 

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look man,I dont know how old you are,but living with your mom like that might be too hard on you.

maybe find some alternative living arraignments before she drives you crazy(pun or whatever).

I didn't read your whole post,no concentration today,but I think  got the gist of it.

 

living with parents is very rarely ideal.

think about moving out.

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I understand, you are correct, it was however better than living in a homeless shelter. She is mostly understanding. She just gets confused when she sees me "deanimate" or get depressed. 

 

I also let her frustration affect my opinion of myself and my progress. 

 

Not too mention I have not worked for NEARLY 3 YEARS and am in SSDI reconsideration stage with 2 recent hospitlizations. My options were Mom, Ex Girlfriends house (where we hurt eachother mentally), or homeless shelter. Mom's happens to be the best option. Makes it none the less easy or none the less demoralizing. Especially in my mid 30's 

 

I'm just on the teeter's edge of going back in the hospital - holding it together by a straw's ass ... as it is .. And this put me in a worst spot. Made me feel like I am failing in my efforts. I know I don't do what I SHOULD be capable of doing any more, but MOST days - I do what I can. 

 

As you can tell by my typing, my thoughts are just slightly disorganized .... As well as Social Anxiety ... Rapid Cycling BP I ... It's fun shit, especially the slat out psychotic episodes 

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No therapist, I start seeing a new one Friday. 

 

As far as coping skills. Mostly listening to Music, prayer, and AA meetings right now .. Walks help too .. 

 

Talking to friends and learning to ask them what their problems are instead of talking about mine (before I get to deep into depression anyways). 

 

Those seem to be the basics at the moment. Hoping therapy teaches me how to push myself to stay healthy, yet not push so hard I become psychotic. 

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Snapped out of depression bout ... Now in depression in AM but by the time she gets home I am "normal" or "hypo" so things are better between us. Her core thing ended up being she wants me doing everything humanly possible to improve my situation. I signed up for NAMI conference all day on (I think) the 19th of this month. Has speakers and everything. Very interesting stuff. Part of something called a WRAP group. 

 

Anyways, she bought me a belt and even (on her own free will) tossed in a book on the Amazon cart about Living with Bipolar day to day. She read the reviews, did the research, and spent time and effort on it. She cares ... It is just up to me to not be so damn sensitive and adapt. I am learning a lot living with her.

 

Simple steps to take to change the way I look at things - But not the easiest to carry out ... Changing your thinking about patterns and behaviors you have conditioned yourself to believe is hard. 

 

Anyways, thanks for being a sounding board CB'ers :)

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P.S. Cheese - I found out today I can't get therapy because I am idigant or whatever the hell it is. There is no free therapy where I went or anywhere in this town. I need insurance (or Medical card).

 

The ironic thing is therapy sessions would help build my case for disability approval and the insurance I need to get therapy. I love our government. 

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Nope cheese - Gotta somehow cling to my belief this is all happening for a reason ... 3rd step stuff from my recovery and my belief in my own higher power 

 

Maybe disability will be approved soon - who knows ? Whatever happens will be the right thing for me, it is just scary as hell .. and I don't always have this attitude.

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