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I feel like my emotions are out of control. I'm 28 and I have a 4 year old daughter and I can't handle the guilt knowing her life is not normal and I am giving her the same issues I have had my entire life. I don't remember a lot of my childhood, all I know is my mom had severe depression and she was always in bed. Anytime I asked her to take me to do something or play with me she would say she just couldn't do it today because she didn't feel well. She cared a lot about what other people thought, so we weren't allowed to have friends over since the house was never clean. On some level, even as a young kid I was aware that my family life was different and other kids had moms that were involved, that taught them about life and how to dress nice and brush their teeth and helped them with their homework and made dinner every night and took them to do things. We were neglected. I will always think of myself as the scroungy, poor, dirty kid who never fit in. I've spent my entire life trying to just fit in and be 'normal' and fix all my flaws so I can finally not feel so worthless, but throughout the past year I've realized it's not as easy as just looking nice or having friends or being talented. I lost 40 lbs last year, I'm married to my best friend, we finally just got into an amazing place of our own... and it doesn't matter. I'm still fucking crazy. It's hard to even admit, I try to hide anything negative about me, so even though it's obvious I have problems I keep telling myself I don't. 

 

I feel so bad for my daughter. I try so hard to be the perfect mom all the time but I constantly screw up because I can't do it all, and I can't handle all of my responsibilities. I can't handle just doing normal every day things like waking up, getting ready for the day, going grocery shopping, etc. Some days I can't do anything and she has to suffer for it. I've even caught myself saying 'Not right now honey, mommy doesn't feel well.' I tell myself no matter what at the very least she will have cute clothes and her hair will be washed and her teeth will be brushed, kids were so brutal to me and my siblings about those things. But I still feel like I'm going to ruin her life, because I am so fucked up beyond repair and I can't fake it all the time.

 

I feel bad for my husband. Before we got married I was alone a lot, and I don't even think I realized how bad it was. Now I'm around someone all the time and there's no hiding anything... I want to tell him to leave me and find someone who wont inevitably make his life horrible.

 

I don't know... this is just a vent that may not make any sense. It was either this or go cry in the bathroom and then try and pull myself together and to make it through the day. 

 

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I don't think anyone can be a perfect parent.  I don't think that anyone can be.  Fucked up or not.  I didn't know what a car seat was as a child, but both of my kids were in one.  They even changed how long they are supposed to be in them and when to not reverse them has changed.  Just since my kids were in carseats.  DAMN!

 

Don't be so hard on yourself.

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I agree that nobody can be perfect all the time or any of the time, really.  You are doing the best you can.  I know that may not seem like enough, but it is. 

 

Rely on your support people and friends when you need help.  Take care of your own needs, and try not to compare yourself to other mothers you know.

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I have the same thing in my life and all I know is that I am different from other mums. My kid is different from other kids because of that. I try to get one thing a day right. Today i felt great because he went off to school with a packed lunch. Seriously, I should be proud because it was a really nice lunch. Probably the best in the school! Pitta bread with a dollop of mayo and some ham and a wee bit of salad wrapped in film and then put in a plastic box. Done with care. Tomorrow I will maybe get him up by giving him a hug and a bowl of cereal. These things are not difficult even for me. I work on the small things. They're the things that matter, I think. Well it feels ok to me. I love that I'm not alone with this anymore thanks to sites like this one. Good luck with the small things,

Nak

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I started therapy four months ago and only had two sessions before we found out we had a week to move (we were renting my parents basement and they lost their house) and we've just now found a permanent home. I can't afford therapy now because we have no insurance and the therapist I was seeing was 90 dollars a session. I'm hoping by the time tax return rolls around I'll be able to get back into therapy. 

 

Not sure what to do until then...

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