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I have been in a relationship with a great man for two and a half years now. Despite his good qualities and the fact that we both love each other, I have been struggling with doubts and thoughts like "am I just forcing myself into liking him? Are we really a terrible mismatch?" And the reason that I've been so unsure is that every time we get together, this uncomfortable, weird feeling of stress and anxiety creeps up on me and it lasts until we go our seperate ways again, causing me to believe that something about him is "toxic" or that this is a result of my subconsious trying to warn me and tell me that deep down, I know that he's not right for me. I've googled this alot, spoken to therapists, friends and so on, but everyone keeps telling me that they think I am overly sensitive (wich i probably am) and they all seem surprised that I have suffered from this dreadful anxiety for such a long time when, to them, it's so obvious that my boyfriend is the one causing it. Like, how can I possibly consider staying with this man when I can't even watch a movie with him without getting a headache from all the stress that's going on inside of me?
I know I'm kind of a masochist here, but the thing is, a part of me believes that I would feel like this with every man in the world and that the problem lies within myself.
I guess I should add that I had a pretty bad childhood. I grew up in a very unsafe enviroment where I couldn't trust anyone and I didn't feel loved. My mom is an alcoholic and my father wasn't around. But I just think it's weird that when I spend time with my parents (the ones who gave me the bad childhood), I feel completely at ease, but when I'm with my great and loving boyfriend, I get so anxious. It seems unfair. He is the only one who makes me feel that way, but behind all of the negative emotions, there are so many good things that I simply refuse to let him go. Also, I have always been quite the love addict, I guess it's pretty obvious that I'm trying to make up for what I lacked as a child. I'm in therapy atm, working on my childhood traumas and depression and already I can feel a new sensation of independence and growing self worth, but still I get all anxious about my boyfriend.

So, I'm wondering what this looks like to you. Is that anxious feeling I only get around him, rOCD? And do you have any advise on what to do about it?

 

Thank you so, so much in advance.

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It loooks like another form of PURE O. When I had POCD which has the worst stigma attavhed to it. I was always anxious around kids....Everywhere I went I was palgued and wondered why i was having these thought. Your therapist should help. Maybe some ERP. I would suggest that to them. I really think it's just your OCD and thats it. Are you on meds at the time being?

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It loooks like another form of PURE O. When I had POCD which has the worst stigma attavhed to it. I was always anxious around kids....Everywhere I went I was palgued and wondered why i was having these thought. Your therapist should help. Maybe some ERP. I would suggest that to them. I really think it's just your OCD and thats it. Are you on meds at the time being?

 

No, I'm not on anything and I don't want to either.

Thank you very much for your response, but I'm not familiar with what ERP is? Or Pure O?

 

:)

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Pure O means you have mental compulsions....Which if you go to any OCD site like stuckinadoorway.org they would call what you are talking about ROCD. ERP is exposing yourself to what you fear. I guess that would mean to be with your bf longer and the response when using erp is not to let your brain just go to town on you but rather endure the spike and allow the thought to just sit there. Over time you will notice that the thought gets lesser and lessr. Medication will help you.....And if this is OCD then it's just going to stick around unless your in that 20% range of ppl who have it go into remission. If you don't like the idea of anti psychotic or anti depressents. Maybe just a benzo will help.....I have OCD. and mine was so bad that I couldn't even get out of bed for thinking my fear would happen.

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Pure O means you have mental compulsions....Which if you go to any OCD site like stuckinadoorway.org they would call what you are talking about ROCD. ERP is exposing yourself to what you fear. I guess that would mean to be with your bf longer and the response when using erp is not to let your brain just go to town on you but rather endure the spike and allow the thought to just sit there. Over time you will notice that the thought gets lesser and lessr. Medication will help you.....And if this is OCD then it's just going to stick around unless your in that 20% range of ppl who have it go into remission. If you don't like the idea of anti psychotic or anti depressents. Maybe just a benzo will help.....I have OCD. and mine was so bad that I couldn't even get out of bed for thinking my fear would happen.

 

 

Aha, thank you for such good answers. You obviously know alot about all of this. But I don't see the point with ERP, I am allready spending all of my free time with my bf and nothing is changing. It's not like I'm avoiding him so that I can avoid the anxiety, I really see him as often as I can and I have done that for two years now. Any other thoughts? :)

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Well you are doing the very thing ERP asks you to do.....All you have to do know is accept you'll have these feelings.......I mean no one can tell you whether they will be forever or not but acceptance is the key to this disorder. Unlike SZ where you have to remind yourself the voices are not real or BP saying I know I'm in a manic state so I need my med's adjusted. Go to ocdonline.com or.org. Dr Steven talks all about this form of OCD.

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Yes and no......Like when I was a kid and away from all my friends two states away. I have a obsession that I had prostate cancer but as soon as I got back to my moms and started playing with my friends the enjoyment of that just made the obsession go away. And then you have those who just push thru it all and it goes into remission.....But you can never tell whats going to happen tho.

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You didn't really talk much about the relationship.

 

Do you have a lot in common?  Does he treat you well?  Are you attracted to each other?  Is there a reason you might not feel secure about the relationship?  Are you afraid of commitment?  

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What Koakua said...

 

Is there some reason you are questioning your relationship for example: He uses illegal substances, is verbally abusive, an alcoholic, is abusive to others, rude...you get the idea.

 

I kinda knew with my last relationship at the one year mark because of certain things, but they were things that would set off alarms.

 

What I am saying is, are these realistic worries based on thi8ngs he does that concern you, or are you kind of just waiting for the shoe to drop?

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(also, exposure response prevention is more than just exposure... there's a series of graduated steps that are best done with the companionship of a professional therapist so you don't accidentally make the rumination/obsession worse.)

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thank you all for your answers. He is a really great guy, I couldn't ask for a nicer and more understanding and more loving man. we are very attracted to each other. of course we have our differences and i would prefer if we had more in common, but these are just little things and none of them are alarming or threatening in any way that would explain my anxiety around him. he doesn't even drink as is a very decent guy. i guess i am pretty scared of commitment and i still have some things to work on from my childhood. i am pretty sure that i felt like this with my previous boyfriends as well, so the problem definitely lies within me and has very little to do with my partners. any ideas?

 

edit: typo.

Edited by beach_house
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I think this is something that says maybe your boyfrend can be involved in treatment, as in therapy.  How much of this does he know?

 

Also, relationships are not a necessary thing, maybe it would be healthy to not be in a relationship, and worry about other things besides that.

 

You say he's nice, loving, understanding, but is there something else missing?

 

But like I said, consider involving him.

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