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Hello.  I am reaching out thru this site for a go to place where people are interesting, real, and understand the stress of being mentally ill.    I take life too seriously - family loves to be around me when they need help, advise, a "loan", a place to stay. Ah, but when I am too mentally down to assist others, then I am judged and ignored.  My dad says I was born an old soul - that I never acted like a carefree child.    I see life thru dark colored glasses - my depression making life often appear more stressful and dreary than it is.

   I live in a beautiful part of upstate New York in a very rural community.  During some periods of my life I see the beauty and goodness in my life.  But even as a child I would have reclusive times when my bedroom with a book was my only comfort zone.   I was always a perfectionist - which I try to be kind about, but can see how annoying some find it.  It drives me crazy sometimes.     Cookies need to be same size and darkness.   Plants can't be lopsided.  Clothes need to be folded with seams matched.  If person or a pet is sick I got into high gear out of anxiety and am jokingly called "Nurse Nancy".  I have rescued many cats and kittens brought to me for I literally lose sleep over them in my attempt to save them.   Mood swings abound.

  The strictness of my religious upbringing caused me to feel like a sinner/loser - thus my attempt to be a good girl and not disappoint others.   Spiritual peace is one of many discoveries I am searching for.

   The death of my Mom in a farm accident when I was 17 increased my struggle with depression, anxiety, insomnia, and a form of PTSD.  I finally sought the help of a psych Doctor at 25 yrs old when I had postpartum psychosis.    Had great success with a tricyclic, but 5 yrs later my liver said no more.   Psych meds and I have had a constant battle every since.  I have tried ECT and TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation) without relief.    4 yrs ago I attempted suicide.

  Currently I am on Ativan and muscle relaxers to sleep.  I take natural supplements and go to talk therapy bi-weekly.  I started receiving disability in June 2013.    I am in search of a new Psychiatrist who accepts Medicare which comes with being disabled.    Living in a rural area makes finding a good doctor a bit daunting.   I have a loving, supportive son.  

  Thanks for reading my rambling saga.   I am going by the name "Showtime"




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