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Why Am I My Own Worst Enemy?


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I know what I'm capable of, which is a lot. I know how badly I want to do most things I'm truly convicted to do. I know the benefits they can bring me if I try for them.

 

So what stops me from trying? Of course I fear failure. But if I do end up giving it a go, I find myself trying too hard, and ultimately failing. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I am my own worst enemy.

 

 

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I have schizophrenia and anxiety.  I see a psychiatrist and a therapist.  It's really helped me even when I was unmedicated.  I am on Vistaril and Buspar and recently started Latuda because I've had problems lately. 

 

Sometimes I feel like my own worst enemy and I suppose to a point that's true.  I hold myself back from doing what I want to do because of my anxiety.  Sometimes though, I just say fuck it and do it even if it makes me look like an idiot.  I'm crazy, I suppose that's what crazy is supposed to look like.  Then I find out that I didn't make a fool out of myself.  It's still difficult for me though.

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I know what you mean. My anxiety drives me up the wall, because I know without a doubt I should be doing these things, these obligations in my life that can't be avoided and I really shouldn't be afraid of, but I'll build them up to be monstrous challenges. Failure feels ten times worse afterwards, success makes me feel like an idiot for worrying about trying. Especially when people are telling me they don't know what I get all worked up about. It's so hard when you can't explain to them exactly how anxiety feels and the illogical thoughts it creates. It's just too bizarre of a concept for some folks.

 

I just started seeing a therapist who's thankfully very easy to talk to, even though I'm still visibly nervous around her. She reminded me that I can be proud of the small accomplishments because I'm not the only one who's been through/going through these situations (despite how alone I feel sometimes!). But procrastination is one of my weaknesses. Even if I've got the weight of the obligation bearing down on me so badly it's overwhelming, I'll still avoid it as long as possible to put off the possible rejection. Often it results in more suffering than is necessary because I'm worried about the possibility of being worried.

 

I should've posted this topic in the anxiety forum, I realized. Apologies!

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LMAO! That's right, and free beer then, too.

 

Thanks, and that's awesome. Even as we speak I'm procrastinating on leaving the house because I'm not quite ready to face 'the public' yet. Even though all I'm going to do is run simple errands. Three of the things I said I would do today I haven't done or likely won't do. This sucks.

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Hi,

 

I am not minimizing your anxiety when I say this, because I can see what an obstacle it is, but you are very hard on yourself. For me, a lot of the anxiety I experience is linked to my own harshness with myself. If I pushed a child or an animal with the kind of 'shoulds' and guilt and negativity I push myself with, that little being would suffer, being unkind to myself is not helping me a lot of the time when I am up against a challenge.

 

If something causes you anxiety, that is ok, you are allowed to feel what you feel, even if other people don't. Comparing yourself with others or trying to force something out of yourself might be creating more stress. How would it be if you were able to be kind to yourself, like you would with a kid who was struggling with their homework, or a dog being trained? 

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@ Phoenix: Thanks for moving this!

 

@ Titania: I would love to be kinder to myself overall, and I try to when I can catch myself beating myself up. But you're right, I am very hard on me. I don't know why. Sometimes I feel like it's critical for me to find a way to 'fit in' with the less emotional people of the world, or I'll never get the same opportunities they seem to get. But it's another useless worry cycle. My dad's even told me pretty much my entire life that 90% of what we worry about ends up not happening (or not going wrong, or whatever the case may be). I'm sure that's true, I just wish there was a way that realization could help me to stop worrying!

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