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Can someone with BPD ever get over a devastating breakup?


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I'm a little weary of posting this topic because I don't know if others without BPD can really relate & at the same time, I don't want to make it seem like BPD makes getting over someone harder but,I hate to stir the pot here...I do think it makes it harder.

 

I sometimes wonder if some of the other people on the internet still pining over a relationship that ended years ago & still feel devastated may have undiagnosed BPD.It just seems like I'll never be able to let this go.I'm just at a loss & can't find much information about it anywhere else.I'm finding a lot of information about people with BPD dumping others & never looking back & all those other toxic articles about how people with BPD abandon other people before they can be abandoned(and yes...I'm guilty of doing that but never stayed with someone long enough to cause them devastation) But I'm not finding any information about the devastation a person with BPD feels when they have lost a relationship with their "soulmate"

(I quote that because I GUESS there MAY be more than 1 soulmate for everone in the universe but...right now I really doubt that)

 

Also-I know a high percentage of people with BPD do successfully commit suicide. I wonder if there's any info out there about the reason for doing it? Do you think a majority do it because of a broken heart? Or is it that they  just they get tired of feeling so empty & sad? I'm not saying I will commit suicide.I know I can't because it would be a selfish thing to do to my family but, I do have passing thoughts of wishing I was dead.I get so angry when someone says "I just don't understand why someone would kill themselves-it's so stupid" because I completely understand why someone would want to.

 

But my main question here is has anyone with BPD been dumped,by the love of their life, & gotten over it?

Edited by BlurredBoundaries
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I have BPD, it's not as much a negative influence in my life as it was because I have learned coping skills and changed my lifestyle to reduce stress, but it does still factor in my relationships. My romantic history was dating at 13, a long string of abusive short term relationships, in recent years, some non abusive longer term loves. I did have a big 'love of my life' thing with a childhood sweetheart, the break up was brutal, I grieved intensely for over a year and it has taken three years to really heal from that.

 

I can only speak for me, but part of the philosophy ingrained in me by trauma has been that there is a 'right' way to do things. That 'right' way means that everyone around me will be happy and love me (because I will have behaved and got it 'right', mostly by mind reading what others want and people pleasing) In this philosophy, I am unworthy, so I ignore and bury my needs and get them met by meeting other peoples. I would spend a lot of time making myself into what others want me to be, much energy spent on seduction and sexual intensity and I would respond to my intense emotional experience of 'falling in love' by pushing intimacy and commitment, because deep down, I am insecure and I need reassurance by way of speedy commitment that doesn't match the reality of how well I know someone. That creates a sense of certainty, the more I know the 'rules' the better I can imitate success, earn love and feel safe. By being beautiful, accomplished, and utterly devoted, I would get love in return.

 

The above is absolutely dysfunctional in every way. Not only was it dishonest (though not calculated, every time I would have told you I loved that man, he was my soulmate, the feelings were genuine, they were so blown up, I couldn't detach from them) but it was careless. I was neglecting my needs and using serving others to meet them, which meant that I was resentful, unhappy and unable to communicate directly and fairly. Because I couldn't take any responsibility for the relationships I created, I lost mt shit when they failed and either ended them suddenly or kept them going long after any sane person would have walked away.

 

In some cases, I tolerated physical danger and abuse, in others I broke peoples hearts. A few resulted in my being homeless or losing jobs.

 

In January of 2013, I blogged here the true history of my love life, with all the shame and mistakes. I admitted that I was on a rollercoaster of trying to blot out my fear by using other people. I'm not saying that I didn't love the men I had dated, just that I hadn't taken any time to take care of the relationship or be my own person. I was living my life on a BPD autopilot. In terms of work and family, I come leaps and bounds in therapy. In my lovelife, I just kept saying 'I am terrible at love' and making excuses.

 

I went back to the dialectical behavioural therapy I had learned and committed to taking care of my health. I set myself life goals that had no bearing on romance and did all the things I neglected when I was someones girlfriend. I dealt with some family ghosts, I focused on being friends with men and women without any sex. And I put my foot down, I would not let any disrespect, drama or deceit back into my life, be that dating someone who was abusive or my own treating someone badly. No matter how much I feel for someone, if they were bad for me, no dice.

 

In terms of exes, I wrote a long letter to the ex that haunted me (with no return address asking for acknowledgement) admitting my regret and sorrow and letting him go once and for all. I have no idea if he got it, but I did feel better. I stopped as casual contact with any other exes, a few would wander in and out for sex or emotional support, they all had to go. I stopped letting my father come in and jerk my heartstrings, he was a big reason I was hooked on bad love. I closed the door to all my exes, deleted phone numbers, stopping going to mutual hang outs, cut contact, whatever that took. For a long time I couldn;t let them go because by breaking up, I had failed (in my mind) to 'get it right' and the thought of someone not loving my anymore was intolerable to me. Even the thought of exes who I didn't love not loving me was painful. Because I was grieving the fact that I had not had my family's love as a kid. Romance had become my second shot to 'get it right' and find a parent figure who will love me. I decided to look at those feelings and find ways to feel love for myself from how I spent my time and the people I chose to be around me platonically.

 

_______________________________________

 

I am happy to report that I met someone. He is a very kind, responsible, mentally healthy adult with a character I can rely on. I feel none of the old urges to push for commitment, speed things up or be seductive. In this relationship, we communicate honestly and fairly, even when I feel difficult about it. We are both living our own lives as independent people, we both spend a lot of time with friends and family, it isn't intense or fucked up. Our sex life isn't acting out my sexual abuse, we have a strong bond outside the bedroom and there is no deceit or abuse. If we broke up, I would be devastated, but I would carry on the life I enjoy now as would he, and I would be better for having known him. I feel good about how I treat him, how he treats me and how I carry on my own life.

 

A big part of what we have built is foundational on trust. He knows about my BPD and while he understands how much I fear him leaving, he will not allow me to damage what we have with games. I can ask for genuine reassurance and he builds trust with me in ways that count, but for us, a BDSM set up with a verbal contract helps me come forward and be honest or go back to take care of me when my BPD fear kicks in. I know I can come to him for support, but also that the time he takes to gain my trust, I have to reinvest back into staying well and trusting him when I am feeling vulnerable. Not a lot of our dynamic is about sex, but more about me feeling able to relax into what we have and not constantly earn or control it. He is very patient and kind with me on that front.

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I am not BPD, but I was undiagnosed BP 1 for years, decades actually with very intense and painful emotions.  So I can relate.

 

I do recall several heartbreaking breakups, and one in particular where I cried and grieved for two years.  Far more suffering than I think a mentally well woman would experience.

 

One therapist in group therapy told me that I could survive my feelings, I was still here - and that I would always have intense feelings.

That I was thin skinned figuratively and literally.  He was right.  Somehow he taught me that I had an identity separate from my feelings.

 

Therapy, maturing, and medication helped this.  Just getting older and wiser helped.  However I fear that I would shatter into a thousand pieces if I lost my mother and/or husband. 

 

I want you to know you are not the only one, and I do believe you will get over this.  

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  • 1 year later...

I have had diagnosed BPD for over 9 years. I've had 2 previous relationships where I wasn't in love.

 

I met Paul through a mutual friend (of whom neither of us are friends with anymore). The first night we met, we hooked up and have been friends ever since (over 8 years). Apparently everyone else could see that we were in love with each other for the whole time, except either of us. I finally realized it last summer and told him I was thinking about him and he kissed me. Things moved fast as he broke up with his gf and started to separate from a previous ex (who he was also friends with). Throughout the relationship we agreed to not put a label on it, but we were always fighting and I was never sure about the relationship or what I wanted. He also has mental health issues and is an alcoholic, there were many times I cleaned him up and once I cleaned his apartment while he was at work because it was affecting his mental state. His grandfather who raised him died last March and he crashed his car in September. He wasn't doing well in life and things got really bad for me in mine. I was unemployed and broke for a long time and had problems with friends and depression for most of last year. I finally got a job and bc I was salaried, ended up working 80 hours a week and being thrown under the bus for things I had no control over. Things just kept getting worse for us individually and making it harder on our relationship, to one night when he was really bad and it triggered me. I had a bad episode and wanted to discipline myself. He didn't talk to me since then and we went on a break to get ourselves together.

 

He never really said he wanted to break up, but I confronted him after 6 weeks and he got angry and I asked why he didn't just say he wanted to break up. He said he was happier without me than with me and I haven't talked to him. He is my soulmate and it breaks my heart every day we're not together. I have commitment and intimacy issues and we tried so hard to work through them, but we were both in such terrible places in life.  I haven't been able to get over him and I don't want to. I feel like we're meant to be and I've gotten a little bit better in my BPD since then, but I still have a long way to go. I just don't know how he feels and I'm scared to even text him at all since he gets so angry when I even said hey once. IDK what to do...I actively avoid his work and try not to think about him, but its so tough. I miss our friendship and I know we weren't both 2 whole people when we were together. He doesn't even know I'm in a better place now, and my BPD keeps giving me thoughts that he never loved me and he never will again. It sucks. Sorry I couldn't give you a positive example.

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