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I was stupid last night


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Not 100% sure if I am putting this in the right place or if I'm screwing something up (mods yank and yell at will if so) but hell. I screwed up already, a lot, last night.

 

Been struggling with other stuff, head too full, and trying to keep my head about water when it seems to be lead filled is never easy. Had a fight with my husband and rather then fight anymore, did the first of what would be many stupid things last night.

 

Left. Took the car keys, put on my glasses, and in what would be my only sensible move of the evening - grabbed my phone and at the not so intelligent time to be wandering about, told my husband I just couldn't anymore, I had to clear my head before some serious lines gone crossed and words can't be unsaid, and took off in the car.

 

In a cami sleeptop, boxer short pj bottoms and fuzzy slippers. Phone & keys, no cash. Or cards. But weirdly my driver's liscense and gym card. For the next 4 hours (I would finally head back to the house around 1am) things got... to a place they haven't in a long long time.

 

Haven't cut cut in years. And even then, at my worst, I always stuck to places like (hoping this isn't a massive sin to say ~where~ I hid it) like the bottoms of my feet. Hurt like hell for days, but I could usually pass it off as a blister from running. And since I moved out at 16 to my own place (homeschooled, graduated right before my 16th birthday, had a fulltime job and a year or two before college so a place of my own wasn't a big deal) I rarely had to worry about people seeing. Rarely did I live in places with roommates during the worst of it, so I barely had it come up.

 

As I started to... well. Not sure if it counts as getting better or not, but I stopped actually cutting and it became more of a nervous twitch. A litteral itch that if I got stressed enough I would find my then boyfriend (now spouse) grabbing my hand and either holding it, sitting on it, or grabbing all of me to pull into his lap and hold until the 'twitchies' got settled. The times I would 'itch' until I bled slowly but surely lessened. In times of extreme stress, I'll find myself scratching my shoulder blade, my knee/shin, or the one that still gets me pulled into my husband's lap is when I start to crack my knuckles. (You break your own fingers just a dozen times or so and some people get so damn testy about things....) But that's been it. Not even really a thought on the radar to consider.

 

Last night in the car... things were bad. I was lucky, I've got a friend on the other side of the country who texted me all night... mainly because I think she was scared for me. To be fair... I got scared for me.

 

I know I cut the side of my leg. I know I did that. That part was intentional. My brain was overclocking and as bad as an idea as it is and as poor of a coping choice as it is, in that moment it was.... bad. Very very very bad. And a choice in my head was for the lesser of two available evils. I chose the one that would result in me getting in trouble but not hurt anyone else. (I used to work for a company that cleaned up after accidents, suicides and murders. I wouldn't do that to my husband. Granted... I kinda wish I had a better reason at the moment then "It would hurt him" to keep getting up again, but for now I suppose it's something to keep ahold of) Cutting was the... brief mental "Please hold while we connect the corrent synapsis to handle this meltdown" call out.

 

I swear to just about everything out there (I'll just say now, my religious views are... oddball and not up for debate or conversion. On the gods front, I'm good.) I know and chose to cut on my right outer leg. But I had no clue until I put the key back in the ignition (sat in a well lit parking lot, doors locks, texting my friend. I'm stupid, but I'm not a moron. I wasn't texting freaked out AND driving. I'm crazy, not insane.) and looked down - that I had somehow managed to serious frell my right arm. From shoulder to wrist. As in bleeding. (Not going into details, for one - they are gross and ~I~ don't wanna think about them, and two I don't want to toss too many triggers out there for others. This is a shitty enough mental mindfield to try and crawl thru. I don't need to make it harder.) And while I know I did cut on my right leg.... I don't remember messing up my left.

 

And the fact I also ~wrote~ on my inner right leg is also rather..... upsetting.

 

Haven't done THAT little bit of mental fragmentting since I was 8. It's also been at least a decade since I picked up anything to cut. 99% of the time, 'cutting' for me was fingernails and persistance or the cracking... okay breaking.... knuckle thing.

 

Last night it wasn't like that. And I'm seriously freaked out. Not only freaked but hurting like hell and a bit frantic. I've never done this where it shows. And while I can wear long skirts and loose yoga pants to cover the stupidity that make up my legs - my arm, there is no hiding. And there is no hiding WHAT it is. No cat scratches like this, unless I'm an undercover tiger wrangler.

 

Has anyone had a massive relapse out of nowhere? Suddenly found themselves at the other side of a cutting session and not rememer the details? It's never happened like this before and it never was this bad barring once and that time was... well. More or less a freebie. But this, I know I was upset. I know there are things that are wrong that after I got home a torturous 4 more hours of talking, crying, yelling, talking, crying, talking, arguing, agreeing, admitting, and finally uncomfortable but hopeful 'we'll get there, we're in this together' collapse in bed awaited me. I can deal with that. I can manage the other stuff in my head. This... this is a ghost I have no defenses up for and I don't know how to lay it. Has anyone else just found themselves messing up like this? Does anyone know how to prevent/protect or even just for the next week of drattedly hot weather HIDE what stupidity I've done to myself?

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Welcome to CB, Magpie.   

I am also new to this site.  I think you can go to "blogs" for most writings - a moderator will likely let you know.  The members and staff are helpful and caring.    You are in a crisis that sounds like it has come at you fast and furious.   Please, I hope you don't cut anymore and take care of injuries with lots of anti-bacterial soap and healing salves.   I'm glad you called/ texted a friend.  Sounds like your husband is trying to understand and wants to help if he can.  I am glad that after 4 hrs of conflict last night w/ him you are" hopeful" and in it together.  

You obviously had a meltdown or relapse, but don't feel stupid.   I have learned that calling myself names doesn't help me and or those I love.  Mental illness is like a roller coaster ride - except we can't always see the ups and downs coming.  Hope you can reach a Pdoc tomorrow - or get to an ER if things escalate.   

Only hot days for us in the Northeast are Tuesday and Wednesday.  Sounds like you prefer it cooler too.  Heal quickly - mind and body. - "Showtime"

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  • 2 weeks later...

I find it amazing how articulate you are. Writing seems like ana amzing outlet for you.

You sound very fair and reasonable and if I may add a lovely sense of humour. You have sarcasm down to a science.

Its very scary when we leave ourselves. Its weird to hop back and feel not real or to be inside your head and wonder who the pilot is.

Im glad you found us here and I truly hope some better spoken members come here to speak to you as well. I am quite poor in that area.

For covering its a crap road. It really sucks when you need to find all new clothes again. The lies all feel so lame and just a waste. However talking about it eek. You sometimes feel like an attention seeker. Which is funny. I mean if I have a hang nail I tell the world how much my finger hurts but gashing up my arm cannot be explained. I understand social stigma and all but we all know the true reason is nobody wants anybody to know how.messed up they are.

Thats wgat works for me. Everybody has some.deep ugly nasty secrets. Dont be ashamed the cool thing about mental illness is its sometimes invisible.

What helps me its not cool I know but I pick somebody very promising and I give thwm a life. Imagine how weird and crazy they are. It makes me feel a lot better. I know its wrong but hey im doing a lot of wrong things in my life right now so why not eh?

It sounds wicked wicked lame but a therapist could be a wonderful tool right now. Of course coverage isnt fun to look for money is tight no matter who you are.

Its nice to speak to somebody that.you know spent years studying case studies and reading on some prwtty for lack ofnbetter word messed up people.

Writing seems to be a beautiful outlit for you. Im sorry I dont have tips.or lies. Deep down you already have some ideas thought out. It sucks but damn we will get through. This is a minor set back... or major but you are doing reallh well st explaining yourself.

Stay here keep writing. Your husvand sounds amazong. You are a well accomplished person you have this. This is a set back but you can and will deal.

Edited by Heathrr Springbox
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Self harm is different for everyone, some people only turn to it when their other ways of coping have been exhausted, some people use it regularly to cope with life. Many people do find that when they become very stressed and agitated, they lose the memory of deciding to self harm or what that moment felt like. This can be because they have been drinking (drinking and self harming really increases the risk of accidental fatal injury) or because they dissociate (a protective involuntary mental reflex, making someone space out or lose time) Your experience is not uncommon.

 

It sounds to me like you could use some skills on communicating with your spouse and tolerating painful emotions. It sounds like the healthy desire to leave the fight you couldn't handle continuing was a good move, but you impulsively took the car. The biggest danger with self harm is that impulsiveness leads to poor judgment and putting yourself at risk. Driving when you are upset and unable to process info is a risk, as is being semi clothed, alone in the middle of the night with no one to contact for safety. Sometimes the urge to escape and make the pain stop becomes so intense that we make poor decisions, I know I have.

 

It is worth asking a doctor if they can help you access some therapy coping skills, such as dialectical behavioural therapy, meditation and ways to cope when you are very distressed. It also sounds like you need some help deciding how to handle the issues that are affecting your marriage. It is great that you had a friend to call, if you had more day to day support, do you think you could reduce the chances of this happening again?

 

Every human being is built with a psychological safety valve and when overstressed, the mind takes over. The big question is , how can you stay safe next time?

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