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I havent got a clue what belong in blogs or what doesn't but what I do know is like maybe two or three people respond to my blog. Maybe. That might be because I don't post much anymore. Who the fuck knows. All I know is I need talked to by people.

I've been IP 3 times this year, on top of being in an Iop - PHP program at OSU in November and December of last year. Last December, while I was in that program, I almost shot and killed myself with my dad's shotgun. Last week I felt that same sense of urgency the day befory my tdoc appt, and he was able to talk me down some.

I've been sick with the flu the last 2 days. I didn't take anything for it until today after discovering I had a fever. 2 days ago I asked my dad to take me to the store so I could buy some cold medicine and he was entirely dismissive, so I was stuck with a bottle that had maybe 3 doses in it. I am only taking them if I have to.

I feel like I am the biggest inconvenience in the fucking world. He makes me feel worthless, a though I'm nothing. He makes me feel like I waste his tame all the time even though the only time I ever leave the house is for appts or when they are going somewhere. My dad's a dick.

I don't want to go on. Life is shit. There is nothing for me. What the fuck is my life meant to accomplish? I have no kids, Bo girlfriend, house, job, etc. I have godkids, yes, but my main purpose in their lives is presents. That's the only thing I look forward to in life, making them smile.

I see no value. I am nothing and never will be anything. When my parents die I won't be able to afford this house or take care of my pets.

What's the ducking point? My tdoc talked to me tonight. He told me not to call myself crazy and to calm down. I see him on Wednesday. I'm so depressed I can't see straight.

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I can't come up with the right words or advice, but I am reading. 

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed.  Being sick on top of feeling depressed probably makes everything feel 100 X worse.  I hope you get over the flu soon.

 

I am glad you posted and that it seems like you have a good tdoc.  Hang in there.

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I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling so down :( 

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I know I mostly think those things when I'm depressed. I'm guessing it might be the same for you. I don't think they can really be true if we only really believe them while we are unwell. Stay safe and I hope you feel better soon.

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Hang in there, it's cliche'd and I feel like a hall mark card, but it get's better or it at least changes.

 

RE, blog know that a lot of people read them, but sometimes don't know what to say. People care. If you blog often you get more updates because people can get a better sense of what's been happening.

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I can relate to feeling so down and to having a toxic father. Even though I moved out when i was a teenager his negative voice still pops into my head. Not as much as it used to at least (tdoc & EMDR have helped with that). Is there any chance you could move out?

I'm glad that you were able to talk to your tdoc and that you get to see him on Wednesday. I also blog when I have a lot of stuff running through my head that's negative. Sometimes I print it out and add it to my journal.

 My pets help me when I am feeling down and also give me something to live for. They have kept me here everytime I'm considering exiting life. I don't want them to be homeless and sad without me. I hope things get better soon and go well on Wednesday. Just wanted to let you know that I'm here, too!

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"don't call yourself crazy and calm down" doesn't seem all that helpful.  calm down?  like if we could do that all by ourselves we wouldn't BE crazy.  jebus.

 

i'm sorry you feel so terrible, and if you're like me the physical illness makes everything so much worse.

 

i am just now beginning to read blogs a little bit after several years away from them.  i'm sorry you feel unheard there.  i do hear you on fb though.  i know it's not the same thing, but i do notice your posts, and i appreciate your point of view and sense of humour.  i know it's not the same as feeling heard about being in pain, though.  i hope you can "feel" people responding to you now.  you do have people here who care and would like the chance to help.

 

it's morning now (where i am) and i hope you feel even the slightest bit better.

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I'm depressed still today but my nose isn't as stuffed. It's moved into my chest, though. Sorry for any previous and future typos, btw. I'm on my phone and it's touch screen.

I've been a bit better today but did just a few minutes ago feel like I didn't want to be here. Idk why NY depression won't go away and why it keeps turning quasi suicidal, as less than a week ago I was more than ready to do it. I feel like I'm headed for a 4th hospitalization.

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Sorry I forgot to answer an oft repeated question about whether or not I can move out. I can't mostly because of my moms health - she's had a heart attack and stroke in the last 2 years and is in frail health. Another reason is I only make 760 bucks month so I got no money. And the final reason is if left to my own devices, I'm sure I'd be dead within a month by suicide.

Edited by exl2398
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Thanks.

Feeling pretty fucking worthless right now. I have been texting with my friend who went off to grad school in New Mexico and is now student teaching. She told me how weird it is being called Ms -----. Then she talked about what it would be like to be called Dr or professor after completing her PhD. I was supposed to do that. Go to grad school and get my PhD in philosophy and then go on to teach at a college level. That was the plan. Then the crazy became really bad and my life effectively ended. I graduated 7 years ago. After 5 years, I don't think OSU even considers your previous degree in your grad school requirements., nevermind the fact that I'm a fucking moron with no memory to speak of and the concentration capabilities of a goldfish. I am so fucking worthless. That's sad, too, considering I graduated 6th in my class with a GPA of 3.956, but that shit don't matter anymore.

Fuck life.

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You graduated with a phd? That is an amazing accomplishment!! Do not be so dismissive about that. That's a huge deal. Have you ever thought about teaching online courses?

I didn't even get to graduate college before the crazy struck. And I lost a part time job that I loved and was good at (even if it was only waitressing). Then I lost my apartment and boyfriend of the month and was whisked away for long term hospitalization.

Things can get better for you. Do you have a good tdoc for coping skills?

Another thing that has really helped me is posting or blogging here for support. I hope you find it helpful too.

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