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I'm confused, is this me, the Seroquel or my *issues*?


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Hiya,

 

Lately I am so pissed off mainly with my parents at their inability to have a relationship with me, only child/daughter, and how emotionally inept and childish they are.  I won't go into too much detail about them here but it feels like this all came  back to haunt me once I got off the last antidepressant medication I was on, which was Sertraline - pooped out in a few months. 

 

So I was blaming the Seroquel initially, at 25mg (I know, not much drug in system to blame said drug), now I am currently at 100mg and not feeling a lot better; I seem to rage a lot and keep obsessing about how much my parents shit me off but this has been my whole life and nothing is likely to change in regard to their stupid behaviours.  So, is this just me as a person, is it not enough Seroquel or is it my BPD/MDD/AD/ possible either dysthymia or cyclothymia (forget which it was 10+ years go) possible PTSD from unsupportive, emotionally inept people? Argghhhh!!! I am crazy over it at the moment and I sometimes feel as though, once I have calmed down for awhile and feel better for a period of time, there is this sense that someone has flipped a switch in my head and I can almost literally "feel" that switch.  Eww, it is kind of creepy. 

 

I am also extremely suspicious and even a little paranoid too - don't trust many people as my parents "let me down" emotionally and I feel they play games with me, plus don't seem to care much - won't email back if I take a week or so to send them email - like it is a tit for tat thing - so childish and uncaring.  I am paranoid sometimes that people are talking about me or looking at me funny or whatever. 

Perhaps if I add some more background history about me - depression first struck before the age of 15/mood swings from @10 or so, I remember raging a bit then and perhaps even younger.  Have had more than 3 antidepressants over the years and they have all pooped out, some quicker than others.  First breakdown around 14 years old and took years to "recover" - years of major anxiety and depression, panic attacks back then; I was incredibly thin as I couldn't eat from anxiety and if I did I would vomit the food up a lot of the time- now food helps in that I tend to stuff my face if I am angry or upset or whatever. 

 

Not looking for a dx from you as I know I have to wait to see the pdoc but I just need to let it all out and feel sort of safe doing it here.  My memory is a bit dodgy and sometimes I feel as though I have no control over my mood swings, the "shifts" in how I am feeling, if my parents push certain buttons I freeze and also cave in.  Ugh, it sucks.  Having trouble concentrating, sometimes wish I could drop everything and run off to the "circus" or something that looks better (grass is greener syndrome) but I love my son and my husband. 

 

This is probably all over the place like I am!

 

Can anyone make any comments as to whether this is just me or not enough meds or whatever? I know, it is a tough ask but maybe even some of your own experiences, similar or otherwise?

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all i can say is that seroquel has certainly helped with that raging anger and suicidal ideation that i had.

all i can suggest is that yes - talk to your pdoc, and see if a higher dose might be for you.

i'd also suggest time out - if your parents are pissing you off - if there's some exercise you can do every day that gets you out of the house (running, swimming, yoga, even just going for a walk, or walking a dog if you have one) - its going to be really helpful to have healthy habits right now. exercise can also help moderate that "need to eeaaaatttt" type feeling that you get when you're really depressed (at least, i had it, and could scoff five packets of 2 minute noodles in one sitting).

 

you might like to talk to that shrink about seeking some intensive therapy such at DBT - it sounds like it could be helpful to you, regardless of your DX.

good luck.

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Hi Cipher,

 

Thanks for the advice.  I do get out and exercise, try to go for an hour's walk or thereabouts at least 5 days a week (days I don't work-I am part time) but find my brain won't shut up! Still, the exercise is good for me and I do enjoy it.  I am trying really hard not to be a piggy and eat all the time, watch what I eat, stop snacking.  I am trying really hard to retrain my brain in that regard.  I might be able to then retrain it for other uses in the future, LOL. 

 

Yes, i do need therapy, just have to find a good therapist where I live as they are few and far between.  I must get onto that though, will see my doctor (GP) next week and I can ask where to go there.

 

Well, thanks for your advice/response. 

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I suppose two things could be going on:

 

1. Irrational rage that comes from a chemical imbalance/poor ability to manage rage that ought to be medicated for you to function

 

OR

 

2. Now that you are realizing you have some mental health issues and spent your childhood/teens ill with very little family support, you are going through the anger stage of that process. 

 

Like with any big change and loss, realizing you have a mental health problem comes in stages: Shock -> Acceptance -> Adjustment. Within that people feel all sorts of emotions depending on their circumstances. But feelings of shock and bargaining, denial and fear are common. Feelings of sorrow, regret and bitterness are also common. Feelings of rage at the injustice of it are also common and normal. If you spent years of your life, your formative years, in misery with no one to step in and get you adequate help, that would make anyone angry. It's actually a healthy sign that you value yourself enough and see your life experiences clearly enough to go 'hang on, that was fucked up, I am furious.'

 

That said, venting your rage on the world (or yourself) is not always going to be constructive. Likewise, what your parents did five years ago cannot be changed, nor is it looking like they will change. Whether they are as inept as you say, or whether you feel rage at wishing they could have done more (even if they did moderately well) those feelings of rage can be honoured without having to direct it back at them. And if they cannot communicate with you right now, going back in a fury might make things worse.

 

It's probably helpful to find a therapist who can help you process some of this and find a way to express this anger healthily and make room for these feelings so they can flow through and pass.

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Thanks Titania.  You are right and I am having these sorts of conversations with my SO.  I am about to Google DBT and see if anyone where I live does it.  I doubt it but I hope so.  Also, a lady I know through my son's swimming classes (paid for due to him having Asperger's) knows a psychologist and GP who are meant to be good with these things.  I just have to get through this hiatus period where I have time on my hands and no appointment until 31st October; GP is 20th September. 

 

Thanks for the advice and yes, I have got to learn to process these emotions and somehow improve my view on life. 

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