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I don't exist when he's not here


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I know this is a classic BPD problem, but it really freaks me out. Once my BF has gone to work, and I'm alone with the pets, I start feeling this eerie sence of unreality. Like I'm a hologram or projection...sometimes I feel invisible...mostly I just feel that somehow, i've slipped out of sync with reality and only when my bf gets home can I become real again. A lot of time this leads to a dissociative episode, or panic, which often leads to some form of SI....I canuse all the logic that I want, but I still "FEEL" like a ghost. I'm terrified that he'll leave me or die and that I'll be trapped like this forever...can anyone relate?

NOTE: I'm posting my bum off today to try and deal with this feeling of loss of connection to reality. I hate this

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;) HI panz  JUst frosty here ..

A  state of panic perhaps incurring withing yourself  or dissociative disorder in order to cope by being alone?

I have felt that way in the past and it does go away with time. dont give up .. I know time can heal .

Drugs always help , but hte passage of time and tranquility are no match.

Hugs for you. 

Frosty :)  

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Guest ~Aurelie~

I know this is a classic BPD problem, but it really freaks me out. Once my BF has gone to work, and I'm alone with the pets, I start feeling this eerie sence of unreality. Like I'm a hologram or projection...sometimes I feel invisible...mostly I just feel that somehow, i've slipped out of sync with reality and only when my bf gets home can I become real again. A lot of time this leads to a dissociative episode, or panic, which often leads to some form of SI....I canuse all the logic that I want, but I still "FEEL" like a ghost. I'm terrified that he'll leave me or die and that I'll be trapped like this forever...can anyone relate?

NOTE: I'm posting my bum off today to try and deal with this feeling of loss of connection to reality. I hate this

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

umm yup i can relate.  i think that's why i'm posting so much right now too.  i'm trying to think if anything that was said in my session yesterday was helpful so that i can reiterate it to you.  hmm.  well actually she (my t) did say that what i am experiencing is very normal for PTSD, as well as other disorders, and that i should not feel like i'm crazy or anything.  basically she was trying to normalize it for me while at the same time i felt a million miles away and the room and my t looked off to me in a very strange sort of way.  for me it is depersonalization and derealization.  have you spoken with your pdoc or t about what you're experiencing?

i spent most of my life this way.  i had no identity for a very long time.  it did feel like being a ghost to the point where i almost did start believing i was invisible.  it's only been in this last year that i've had breaks from it.  my t also said yesterday to keep hope because with the right therapy i can get better, so i hope that gives you hope, too.  plus since i have had breaks from it, that is my proof that it can get better.  seems to wax and wane with triggers and the like.

i'm sorry you're dealing with this.  i'll be thinking of you.

aurelie

ps. re the boyfriend thing...i used to come home and go straight to bed if my boyfriend wasn't around, even if it was the afternoon, and after much probing in therapy i finally came to the realization that i felt like nothing without him being present.  i remember when in partial hospitalization not wanting to go home if i knew he wasn't going to be there, because it didn't feel like MY home.  it was a very uncomfortable feeling.  sleep was my escape from the panic of it all. 

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When I was young - and HAD a girlfriend - it was pretty much my whole world. When she was gone I would just stand and stare out the window around the time she would get off work to see if she would come by. Nothing and nobody around me really "existed". But when she WAS there I couldn't communicate very well. Just wanted to hold on and not let go. Was doing a lot of drugs at the time so that didn't help. Not BP so I doubt that it's quite the same - but I think I can relate!

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  • 1 month later...

Hang in, Nightowl,

If he's still with you it's for a reason.

He probably needs to do some things in groups. Hopefully it's not everything. Does he also make time for you? Do you talk about these things with him. What does he say to you? How long have you been together?

I know I'm coming from the same position as you are (or I would be if I ever find someone!) But I would like to think that if I was in the other person's position and I loved someone like us that I would make time and share with them. More than with other friends. I hope that's happening for you.

Take care and remember that we're here for you, too. Use us whenever you need to. I almost feel like these boards and some very specific people here have saved my life.

Steve

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You could start to begin to find things that you enjoy and that make you feel good and do them more often, rather than focussing on him and whether he will leave you and what he feels, focus on you and your feelings. It sounds like you're absolving yourself from dealing with the painful reality of your life, and retreating into him. You could really do with forging more of an identity of your own. This can only make you more lovable.

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Oh hahaha I'm so amusing. In all seriousness, I agree with karuna that you need to get involved in other activities that don't involve your boyfriend, or perhaps don't involve other people. Doesn't need to be volunteer work, it could be crocheting or fishing. We tend to lose ourselves when we're engaged in something outside ourself, and decades of research show that this losing of oneself seems to be essential to happiness in all people. Borderlines, who most believe have the fundamental problem that we don't know how to regulate our own state, may never have learned how to stabilize our emotions and integrate our brain by engaging on something outside ourself, and so we rely on the stories of other people in our lives to provide things in which to lose ourselves. This makes us far too vulnerable to the ups and downs of other people's lives, and can make us fear being alone as an uncomfortable sort of no-identity state.

Am I making any sense?

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and so we rely on the stories of other people in our lives to provide things in which to lose ourselves. This makes us far too vulnerable ...

Am I making any sense?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

you have a few seams in place jem;

so accurately described my mother, i think i'm going to be nauseous.

i catch myself in this sometimes. it all seems 'out of skin' though, so i's confused meself a little, i admit - no-identity state and 'losing self' ..  is not fitting or i'm not understanding the difference:

i.e. my sense of something like crochet or other ways to create, focus, and make something, which feels to me very much like being in body and directed, controlled/channelled -- indeed present

not like no-identity lost-self state (whether self is gleaned from the feedback/meaning/? of another's presence, or otherwise constructed) of having no moorings, depersonalized or dissociated panik whirling / silence emptiness abyss of nothing

it's all falling apart in my head like jelly. <abandons post>

but i'll post it anyway.

i seem to reject the identity-based-on-others'-perception/opinion mode, at the same time having little clue how to forge a stable one that is based on me. maybe i have Identity Dysmorphic Disorder (IDD) -- my perception of my identity is way off base from what it is.

<takes tongue out of cheek>

no really. have you ever gone to your profile and clicked on 'find member's posts' and read through the chronological collection of your own posts? that's like your identity on CB (although disembodied and de-contextualized). now how would one go about doing that IRL. plus, whatever, that's just the OUTside. what about the inside? really it's our experience of the self, which is a whole collection of acts, perceptions, utterances, feedback, events, meanings, etc.

so fuck.

apologies, the steering column for my brain is fucked. it just goes where it wants.

</psemithreadjack>

peeeeeeeej

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There is a difference between self and identity. People seem to be happiest when they are subsumed in their activities, whether involving other people or anything else demanding focus outside of ourselves. Our sense of identity is largely derived from our observation of our experiences, which are actually more coherent as experiences when they are these "selfless" activities, as opposed to, say, spending lots of time ruminating on yourself, which produces a hollow "experience" and doesn't contribute as positively to identity for this reason.

Am I making more sense or less sense?

The point is, find something to lose yourself in besides specific other people, or your identity will be too dependent on such people.

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Thanks Jemini, I'm trying to do just that thing. It's a real struggle because I suffer from both borderline and dependant personality disorders and I tend to fixate on people badly. my SO the most or worst as it may be.

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Don't mistake me as saying *I* know how to do this. I do sometimes, and other times I'm lost. Frankly, it seems to me that know one is naturally good at this, but some people (healthy people) develop with very strong roles around them and are constantly balancing the needs of others from infancy onward, never falling into the trap of having too much idle time. My own intimate relationships have often drifted into the overly enmeshed, though this has improved as I've gotten older or wiser. Except for my current situation, which is about as alone as it's possible to be.

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Yes, I have this too.  I guiltily admit that I had my first child, in part, in order to to connect, to know I exist.  I was abandoned my my mom when I was 8.  The staring out the window thing, I did that a lot.

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I don't think that I have much of a sense of self, because I am so passionate about people and places and things around me, I sort of get lost in them and then if they cease to exist anymore I have to rebuild myself again. I work hard to enforce boundaries on myself for how I interact with people, I tend to obsess about them but I am very strict as to how and when I interact with them in reality so I don't push it onto them.

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If I could turn invisible I'd rob banks. Just a thought.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I would too and I'm not joking - it's all blood money in the banks anyway..

What's more on topic is when I was living with a girl I was heavily obsessed by and unmedicated and going properly crazy for the first time, I had the same thing of not feeling complete without her presence. I used to just mope around crying and chain-smoking when she'd be off seeing friends or whatever (probably to get away from me..). She stopped me smoking cannabis all the time but I became unhealthily addicted to her and it got to the point where she would say that it was good for me to roll up every now and again because then I'd get some distance from the obsession. Of course what really worked was anti-psychotic drugs - the only cure for unhealthy obsessions in my experience. Do you at the top of this thread (sorry I'm better with faces than names..) think you have your medication sorted? Do you get paranoid? Paranoia and obsessions go hand-in-hand. I can't guarantee I won't get obsessed again with someone else somewhere down the line even with medication. What's wrong with us?

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Obsessions seem to be based around fear, and you need to do a number of things to combat fear, different things work for different people. But fear, the fear that the object of the obsession will change/leave/die/love someone else is the real thing that keeps us hooked in line and in misery.

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Reading this thread again I'm not sure my reply above was that appropriate - depersonalisation, "feeling invisible" etc. is different to being obsessed. I think I've had similar feelings after abusing large quantities of psychedelics and I'm very glad to say time has healed things - not feeling all there can be terrifying. Having a relationship might have made me feel better but at least the depersonalisation is mostly gone now. I don't know what your supposed to do about feeling unreal - I used to just consult some blind faith in realness and recall when things did seem real.

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