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Dear Dad, I HATE you.


ashes1772
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I never remember liking my father i am in my 20's now and i thought, rather hopefully, that i would grow out of it.

I spent from age 11-18 in he foster care system. I know that alone would make me feel forgotten, unloved, and a bit angry wih my drug addict and abusive parents. It did, but the full extent of anger and disgust that i have towards my father makes me feel as if i have some sort of genetic flaw somewere in my brain that tells me that the man is unforgivable; a monster.

I forgave my mother long ago, before she passed away. I never harboured anything close to the same emotion for her as i do my dad. To me she was the innocent weak willed doe led astray by the big bad wolf.

Everything the man does infuriates me. I feel trapped, unmoving, and intellectually challenged when he is around. The words that come out of his mouth are usually spiteful or "woe as me" bullcrap.

Every time he gets close to me, i cringe away. He gets mad every time saying that since he is my dad, he is allowed to touch me. I feel an automatic disgust when he does.

I used to have so much confidence in my learning abilities and i was proud of what i could overcome i had high hopes for the future ahead of me... but now i dont feel anything like that. I cant leave the house wihout feeling like a failure before the day has started.

my father is immature, using things like my mother and past failings against me. When i aged out of the system, i came back to live wih him. Things were fine and dandy for about 2 months and then one night, over something incredibly small, we endedup getting into a verbal altercation that led to a full on fist fight.

I ran to the neighors who called the cops. The police came, searched the place, found pills i hadnt taken in a while for mood stabilizing, and assumed it was all in my head. I had a bloody nose, bruises, and broken pinky finger and it was all my fault.

That is when the hope started to fade for me.

When we sat down to discuss the whole mess later, he told me i had thrown the first hit. Which in all my history of fighting, ive never done. Ill admit i had unresolved anger as a child, but i NEVER hit first. If i really wanted to fight, id goad them into hitting me. In fact, i remember quite well it was him who smacked my head into the bathroom door as the first physical move.

We have been in a few other physical fights since, but every time he says i start it, when i know i dont. I sometimes wonder if the guilt he should have masks his thinking and makes it more "ok" that he beats up his child.

I didnt write this fo pity, more for advice on the matter has this happened to anyone else? Should i forgive him and how do i accomplish doing so?

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It really isn't a question of forgiveness at this point. It is a matter of physical safety. This is domestic abuse. You don't have to be in a romantic relationship for domestic violence to occur. Abusers often blame the victim. It doesn't matter that you 'fight back', he doesn't have the right to put his hands on you in the first place.

As in any abusive situation, things will just get worse with time. Don't waste the time you have beating yourself up over whether you are wrong to blame him for past or present mistakes. GET OUT. Stay with friends, couch surf, look into domestic abuse shelters--but get out of that house.

You don't HAVE to forgive anyone. I haven't forgiven my mother for any of the things that happened to me, and she was mentally ill and delusional much of the time.

What you do have to do is take steps to ensure that you are in a safe living environment. Then, with time you can decide whether you want to have any relationship with this man at all. At this point he is a danger to you.

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I second ald. You cannot work on anything while you are currently in an unsafe situation. 

First, you will need to work to address that. Do you know how to do that?

 

For me, I will not work on forgiveness as a goal. I see no need to forgive. You may be different, but you need to be in a safer place in order to contemplate it. Doing so right now could be unsafe for you.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Make sure you put your safety first at this point, I would advise against meeting him in person at this point. You could write or phone if you really wanted to.

 

You have every right to be hurt and pissed over your childhood and if your father isn't willing to be civil with you as an adult, you are in control and can tell

him you don't want to see him

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  • 4 months later...

I cut my dad out of my life, best thing I did for my illness and recovery. Have you considered just cutting him off, not seeing him at all indefinitely?

Yep, same here. Mine is a monster and I wouldn't even consider ever speaking to or seeing him again. And I have no guilt or remorse for doing it, either.

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Mine's been out of my life for 20 years.

He's the reason I'm DID-NOS, so I'm still having to deal with the damage he did.

 

....The original post is about 7 months old, I wonder if the OP's gotten themselves into a shelter.  I hope so.

Edited by Stickler
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He gets mad every time saying that since he is my dad, he is allowed to touch me. 

Ill admit i had unresolved anger as a child, but i NEVER hit first. If i really wanted to fight, id goad them into hitting me. In fact, i remember quite well it was him who smacked my head into the bathroom door as the first physical move.

We have been in a few other physical fights since, but every time he says i start it, when i know i dont. I sometimes wonder if the guilt he should have masks his thinking and makes it more "ok" that he beats up his child.

I didnt write this fo pity, more for advice on the matter has this happened to anyone else? Should i forgive him and how do i accomplish doing so?

 

1. that he demands to have physical access based on being your father (among other parts of your post, but that struck me most) sounds like he has is failing to respect you as a person...it almost sounds like he views you as his property..but certainly that sentiment... strikes me as controlling and exploitative. boundaries are important...so are state lines and i would seriously consider taking action to put a few between the two of you.

 

2. having anger issues...wanting to fight, even trying to goad him...the only irrelevant point in assessing culpability is that you were a chid and he is an adult. and there is no amount of anger or baiting that justifies an adult slamming a child's head into a bathroom door.  that said...it sounds like getting some help for your anger issues and figuring out why you have tried to provoke fights is something that i hope you consider doing for you, so that you can understand why that is and learn some skills to manage your anger and your desire for physical altercation/stimulation.

 

3. i can't say whether he's in a sort of denial and believes you really did hit him or if he's trying to manipulate you into believing you started it and deserved it. this is a form of abuse as i see it, though. emotional/psychological torture to be purposely and persistently poking holes in someone's credibility and sending a clear message that whether you forgive him or not... in my opinion, you cannot remove yourself from this situation quickly enough. 

 

four. no, i don't think you "should" forgive him insofar as i don't think you have an obligation to forgive him. i think, actually, that all this that's happened...you have no obligations to him whatsoever...not to forgive, not to give chances...not to give a forwarding address. *IF* you decide at some point that you *want* to forgive him...for whatever reason; e.g if it brings you solace for whatever reason...enables you to (begin to process their experiences, their challenges and hear from each other).

 

i've never been in a relationship that included abuse. but every person i know who has...the abuse was never only physical and the physical part was never the first form the abuse they endured...and they all escalated...even those where it seemed impossible that it could get worse...it did. i think he is definitely violently abusive in multiple ways and has been for decades and the question of forgiveness is something best sorted with a therapist somewhere safely outside of his literal and proverbial reach 

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I absolutely understand the heartache and anguish such a situation creates for each of us that read this topic. Yet, we are sharing our own heartache with a member who posted once and has not signed in since the original post.

 

Could our anguish be better shared/served by creating a new, and thus current, topic?

 

I can only hope that the OP is safe and that the current posters are receiving the help and support they need.

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